Lately I've been reviewing my blog. Sometimes I wonder if I wrote all of these entries. It seems like years have passed, almost a lifetime. I have discovered the good and the bad. Yet, I still have yet to discover what I'm truly about.
I don't really have much to say anymore. Maybe it is bloggers block, maybe I'm just emotionless. I use to need to write things out... get the thoughts onto paper to understand exactly what I was thinking.
I've suffered much embarrassment in the recent weeks. I have never ever felt so low in my life. I am embarrassed that I do not have a job. I am embarrassed that I could not afford to buy gifts or send gifts to my family and friends. I know it is the thought that counts, but that is just me. The thought of going on welfare pisses me off. I am angry. My mother is in a position where she is handicapped and unable to work. She doesn't have much money coming in and is having to look into other ways of making ends meet. I am being dragged down into this. Why? Why should I consider welfare or government programs when I am perfectly capable of working? I am embarrassed that people even consider this. Yes I realize that there are some cases where people cannot work or they do not make enough to support family. These people then turn to the government to supplement their income. I understand in this case. I, on the other hand am perfectly capable of making a living for myself. People who work the system because they are lazy are assholes.
In recent days, I have discovered that the court appointed me legal custodian of my nephew. Surprise!!! Not that I haven't been taking care of him thus far, but talk about a wake-up call! I would have thought the judge would have told me in court, but eh... why not surprise me. I guess in my case the stork did fly in. Luckily, I know that the next court date is coming up at the end of March and my brother is working his butt off to get his son back. This is the way it should be.
I've learned that my mother speaks badly about me to her friends. Apparently she tells these people that I am the one who needs counseling. As I woke up from a nap, I overheard her saying these things. Our relationship is in the fucking toilet and I asked her to seek help so that we can work on it... together. What does she do? She tells others that she doesn't have the problem. She is perfect (in her eyes) and I am the one who is screwed up. At this point, I am only trying to prevent our relationship from ending. I'd rather not just give up and walk away but I am being pushed in that direction. Counseling seems to be the only way to salvage what is left of it. Then I overhear this. Fuck that. I don't want to fight all the time. Fighting is not a way of life, at least it certainly isn't mine. I never said that "she" needs counseling. I said "we" need counseling. I'm tired of pushing this. I gotta just drop it and move on.
People irritate me. :(
I don't really have much to say anymore. Maybe it is bloggers block, maybe I'm just emotionless. I use to need to write things out... get the thoughts onto paper to understand exactly what I was thinking.
I've suffered much embarrassment in the recent weeks. I have never ever felt so low in my life. I am embarrassed that I do not have a job. I am embarrassed that I could not afford to buy gifts or send gifts to my family and friends. I know it is the thought that counts, but that is just me. The thought of going on welfare pisses me off. I am angry. My mother is in a position where she is handicapped and unable to work. She doesn't have much money coming in and is having to look into other ways of making ends meet. I am being dragged down into this. Why? Why should I consider welfare or government programs when I am perfectly capable of working? I am embarrassed that people even consider this. Yes I realize that there are some cases where people cannot work or they do not make enough to support family. These people then turn to the government to supplement their income. I understand in this case. I, on the other hand am perfectly capable of making a living for myself. People who work the system because they are lazy are assholes.
In recent days, I have discovered that the court appointed me legal custodian of my nephew. Surprise!!! Not that I haven't been taking care of him thus far, but talk about a wake-up call! I would have thought the judge would have told me in court, but eh... why not surprise me. I guess in my case the stork did fly in. Luckily, I know that the next court date is coming up at the end of March and my brother is working his butt off to get his son back. This is the way it should be.
I've learned that my mother speaks badly about me to her friends. Apparently she tells these people that I am the one who needs counseling. As I woke up from a nap, I overheard her saying these things. Our relationship is in the fucking toilet and I asked her to seek help so that we can work on it... together. What does she do? She tells others that she doesn't have the problem. She is perfect (in her eyes) and I am the one who is screwed up. At this point, I am only trying to prevent our relationship from ending. I'd rather not just give up and walk away but I am being pushed in that direction. Counseling seems to be the only way to salvage what is left of it. Then I overhear this. Fuck that. I don't want to fight all the time. Fighting is not a way of life, at least it certainly isn't mine. I never said that "she" needs counseling. I said "we" need counseling. I'm tired of pushing this. I gotta just drop it and move on.
People irritate me. :(
posted by Jenn & John at 11:46 PM
1 Comments:
Fighting is most certainly not a way of life...
'Tis all about spreading the luv..'
Yeah, of course I'll take any excuse to be a dirty bastard.. but I really mean it.. it's all about having good vibes.. positive thinking, when it comes down to it.
AS
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