Starting the Defusion Process

I've finally come up with a plan of attack. I've been sitting here living a life I don't want to live. I've taken on many responsibilities and created many of my own. I've also created a monster.

Let me begin by saying that depression is contagious. It is like a bad germ waiting to crawl in and take over. Dealing with someone you love who has severe depression can be a nightmare.

This is a battle.

I have discovered that by wanting to help my mother, I have only put her deeper into her depression. Had Bradford not been involved, the best choice for me and her would have been to stay away. However, Brad complicated things. So I felt the need to help my mother in the same way. Why is she always so negative? Why does she always purposely say things to hurt me? Why can't she just listen to me? Why doesn't she want to be helped?

So many questions, yet only one answer.

Depression is a very difficult illness to overcome. If you have someone who is very close to you who has depression, chances are, you will become even more depressed. You would think the opposite in this case... there is someone who is very loving to attend to the person and help them get out of their depression.
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
Can I stress this enough? Of course I want to help my Mother. Let's your spouse was severly depressed, you would want to do everything in your power to help them, right? Of course, for sickness and in health, am I right?

There is only one issue. The person who wants to help, will probably end up in the same boat as the depressed person they are helping. Why? One word... Fusion

The more often I help a person who seems ungrateful or unaccepting of my help, the more I will feel angry and resentful. This is human nature. I have realized this a while back. I have made many mental notes... get out before you resent her and get so angry you don't want any kind of relationship with her. Too late. Unfortunately, human nature works in my subconcious too. I am very angry with her. I do have feelings of resentment... and these feelings stem back to when I was growing up. I resent the fact that she puts limitations on me as an adult. Who is to blame? Only me. I let it happen. But I also didn't know how to not let it happen. When you are young and your parents are the major influence in your life, it is difficult to break away from that. Being able to stand your ground and say,
"look, I'm an adult. I make my own decisions now. Yes, I may take your opinion into consideration, but I will make a decision I feel is best for me." I could never say that. I had feelings of GUILT... what if she feels I am abandoning her? What if I hurt her by saying this? The truth is, no one has the right to control you and make you constantly feel bad about your decisions and your life. NO ONE!

Depression... My Mother has suffered from depression possibly her whole life. I remember happy times, but I also remember all of the low times, especially the last few years. I rarely had a nice phone conversation. This depressed me... even though I was 350 miles away, I was still depressed by her and her situation. And to find out that I only fueled the depression sets me back.

More recently (past year or so), I did everything I could to stay positive and happy. I didn't want to be unhappy who does? So I latched myself onto whatever I had associated with positive thoughts hoping it would rub off on me and tried to run away from the things I had associated with the negativity.

The Solution

This is probably going to be the most difficult part. It is called Defusion. When I am around my mother, I say unintentional hurtful things. This is my anger and resentment coming out. I don't always have control over it. Especially if the sparks begin to fly. If she says something like... "You could never understand" or "you don't know what it is like" etc... she's throwing out a spark. This makes me more angry when she says this stuff. It feels like she is accusing me. So of course I get defensive which then makes her defensive. Then the sparks are flying and soon there will be an explosion. There have been many occasions where I've blown up. I mean... BLOWN UP. I've never EVER reacted toward anyone in that way. It was bad. I cursed at my own mother... I mean REALLY CURSED.

So the solution is not easy. I must begin to apply myself in other areas, avoid this fusion, and learn to make me happy again. I have to distance myself from her, but not completely take myself out of the situation because that would also hurt the relationship. How do I do that? I have to avoid any argument. If the conversation gets heated and the sparks could fly, I must change the subject or simply say, "I do not want to talk about this right now because I am upset and angry." I have to spend less time going there. Visit her 4 times a week instead of 6 or 7. This is the most difficult for me to do. She is so controling. It almost feels like an addiction... my guilt goes away for a little while if I visit her.

It stops here.

I am determined to find my own happiness again. My OWN happiness. So it begins with the court date tomorrow. It begins with me pulling away from my Mother. It begins with me.