It's Dark
I feel like a goddamn failure sometimes. Tonight especially.
I'm bummed. I feel like I'm in a funk. Usually this doesn't last that long.... at least I'm hoping. Usually I'm the one telling everyone... keep you head up!!! things will get better. Eh, Fuck it. I'm a vulgar SOB, aren't I?
I had a good day today too. It was halloween. I put my nephew in a cute cow costume, in which he mooed and mooed and mooed. I dressed up too.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like shutting everyone out. I just want to hybernate... away from everyone and everything. Is this me being a freak'n woman or is this me just shutting down for a moment? I dunno. Either way, its dark when I open my eyes, and light when I close them.
This could be the lack of sleep talking. I tend to get over emotional when I do not sleep..... things may be better after I "sleep on it."
We will see.
...this is my stuggle with feeling inadequate. I can never do anything right.... with anything, or anyone. I'm never good enough... something is always off/wrong... I've got some quality that makes me not worthy of something or other. In some ways I feel like if I lived on my own, away from everything I've ever known, I wouldn't feel this way. I never felt this way... people have made me to feel this way. And it isn't always directly told to me. Other people's insecurities are starting to rub off on me... if they aren't good enough, how can I be good enough to them? But I have to constantly remember to take my view on things and not theirs. Otherwise, I would end up a mess. What I think about my friends, family and loved ones is greatly different from what they think of themselves. So why am I stuck feeling like this? It is like, everyone's insecurities are fired off at me in a canon ball.... and I have to remind myself that their insecurities are about them... not me. I'm not saying that I don't have my own insecurities. I do have them, but I've always been a fairly confident woman, dressing the way I want, following my dreams, working hard at a shitty job so I can be proud that I can make it on my own. It's like when I go out... I never go out to meet guys. NEVER. Although, if the love of my life walked in and swept me off my feet, I wouldn't deny him. However, my point is, when I go out, it is for me. When I dress up, it is for me. When I do my hair and put on make up, it is for me. I like the way I feel... it isn't about what other people think. I dunno.. I think I'm going off in a tangent.
I think I've come up with a solution. I need some sort of release. Drinking is no good. Smoking out, no good. hmmm... What could I do? Maybe it should be some sort of physical activity. Damn... wish it were sex, but that ain't happening anytime soon... croquet? hmm, now thats a sport! I could work toward this new business of mine... swimming? Yes. That is what relaxes me! Let me go jump in my pool in the backyard... ok, no that won't work. No pool. Home projects were keeping me busy for a while, but eh... I'm on the job search, maybe that will be a bit of a release. I dunno... I need to brainstorm to figure this out.
I believe I talked myself out of that mood. I'm officially a nut case. :) Time for bed, to bed I said. :)
I'm bummed. I feel like I'm in a funk. Usually this doesn't last that long.... at least I'm hoping. Usually I'm the one telling everyone... keep you head up!!! things will get better. Eh, Fuck it. I'm a vulgar SOB, aren't I?
I had a good day today too. It was halloween. I put my nephew in a cute cow costume, in which he mooed and mooed and mooed. I dressed up too.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like shutting everyone out. I just want to hybernate... away from everyone and everything. Is this me being a freak'n woman or is this me just shutting down for a moment? I dunno. Either way, its dark when I open my eyes, and light when I close them.
This could be the lack of sleep talking. I tend to get over emotional when I do not sleep..... things may be better after I "sleep on it."
We will see.
...this is my stuggle with feeling inadequate. I can never do anything right.... with anything, or anyone. I'm never good enough... something is always off/wrong... I've got some quality that makes me not worthy of something or other. In some ways I feel like if I lived on my own, away from everything I've ever known, I wouldn't feel this way. I never felt this way... people have made me to feel this way. And it isn't always directly told to me. Other people's insecurities are starting to rub off on me... if they aren't good enough, how can I be good enough to them? But I have to constantly remember to take my view on things and not theirs. Otherwise, I would end up a mess. What I think about my friends, family and loved ones is greatly different from what they think of themselves. So why am I stuck feeling like this? It is like, everyone's insecurities are fired off at me in a canon ball.... and I have to remind myself that their insecurities are about them... not me. I'm not saying that I don't have my own insecurities. I do have them, but I've always been a fairly confident woman, dressing the way I want, following my dreams, working hard at a shitty job so I can be proud that I can make it on my own. It's like when I go out... I never go out to meet guys. NEVER. Although, if the love of my life walked in and swept me off my feet, I wouldn't deny him. However, my point is, when I go out, it is for me. When I dress up, it is for me. When I do my hair and put on make up, it is for me. I like the way I feel... it isn't about what other people think. I dunno.. I think I'm going off in a tangent.
I think I've come up with a solution. I need some sort of release. Drinking is no good. Smoking out, no good. hmmm... What could I do? Maybe it should be some sort of physical activity. Damn... wish it were sex, but that ain't happening anytime soon... croquet? hmm, now thats a sport! I could work toward this new business of mine... swimming? Yes. That is what relaxes me! Let me go jump in my pool in the backyard... ok, no that won't work. No pool. Home projects were keeping me busy for a while, but eh... I'm on the job search, maybe that will be a bit of a release. I dunno... I need to brainstorm to figure this out.
I believe I talked myself out of that mood. I'm officially a nut case. :) Time for bed, to bed I said. :)
posted by Jenn & John at 4:30 AM
3 Comments:
First of all, you are not a nutcase. I know some nutcases... and you're not one of them.
It's hard being a giver. It's hard to constantly tell people not to be negative. I know this. I'm one of the people you tell to shut the 'f' up when I'm being insecure. People that give A LOT can have the added problem of feeling inadequate because they spend NO time giving to themsevles. You give to your nephew.. you give to your family. You are worn out, and need a vacation from worries, and you need to be 24 again. Not 34, or 44. I constantly see things like this cropping up in me. I've spent the better part of my life not having much fun.. being too serious about things, and now that I've graudated I can tell that if I don't find a positive and fun way to blow off steam, I will go nuts. I've already seen the effects. You also need something that you can do to blow off steam.. something that positively funnels your energy, not something like alcohol that has a 'take you away' from the pain effect. Such actions are the root of addiction.
Work out.. do cardio.. and save time JUST FOR YOU that is relaxing.. plan it in your calendar, and remember, you can only work as hard as you can in your current situation, and strive for that goal that you see down the road.
BTW.. from personal experience.. (this is a joke too..) this is you being BOTH a WOMAN and HUMAN. Meaning, your normal!!!
Sleep is very important. I've been living off of 5 hours sleep during the week for over a year now. It's HARD.. and it takes it's toll. Find a way to 'train' yourself to sleep.. without the aid of alcohol... or drugs. We've all dabbled in these things at one time or another.. and we all know where that can lead...
'this is my struggle with feeling inadequate." all these thoughts... this is you reinforcing your fears. Too openly give to someone.. you have to be able to receive.. and because you are the giving kind, yes, you empathise more with your friends and family than most will. It is a good quality. You can empathise, however, without letting people effect you this way. It's hard, I know. To really really care about people and not be effected by their problems is hard. As any musician will tell you.. there is a balance.
BTW.. people notice when others are giving.. they go to you becuase they know you're a good person to talk to you. Some people will take advantage of this.. as I'm sure you know.
Most importantly... you need to sleep.. and to have time to yourself. You are strong willed.. and will always succeed.. why? because you're that type of person.
Talk to you lata...
AS
I always appreciate your comments Aron. Thanks a bunch! :)
Anytime
Post a Comment
<< Home