All by myself

I'm going to write about my ideal vacation. Take myself on a journey far away from my current life where I don't seem to have any control.

I don't know where to begin. I can imagine walking in the snow, bundled up like a little snow angel, my viola in a snow case on my back. I'd walk aimlessly by myself drinking a cup of hot chocolate as I window shopped during the holiday season. Faces seemed to light up at the decorations. Clouds are in the sky and moonlight is pouring through. Being able to feel complete, all by myself.

I love family. I love togetherness. I treasure my alone time. I want to be independent again? Was I ever independent? Was I ever allowed to be? I don't want to be made to feel guilty for living anymore. Living in anyway that I choose. There is a difference between living your own life, and living partially in your own and someone elses. I've never just taken off. Everything I've done is to please others. I didn't go out of state to college, hell I didn't even apply because the choke chain around my neck was too tight from my mother. I've finally figured out why my family fell apart. My brother cannot even think for himself now because my mother never allowed him to. He was never strong enough to stand his ground. Now I am beginning to go down that path. I am not responsible for anyone's happiness... temporarily for my nephew, but otherwise, I am not to be held resposible. I guess the conclusion I have come to is this... I am here for a reason. I am helping my family to build a stronger bond, become stronger beings and to live their own lives and be able to build their own happiness. I will not spend a lifetime pleasing a family that cannot be pleased.

Maybe my ideal vacation isn't just a vacation. Maybe it is a way of living.