Happy Anniversary to ME!!!

That's right folks, it is my anniversary today. It has been one full year of blogging fun. There are many things I've learned since I began writing, and most definitely a few lessons learned. So, I'd like to post a blog about my year in review. I will include some of my favorite blogs, some of which I have learned tremedously from, and some silly entries. Get ready, get set, go!

1.) Very first entry!!!!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Love is blind?
Love is a funny thing. It comes in all shapes and forms. Its interesting how people can write off others so easily. Especially in the dating process. I've noticed that most of us look only at the exterior, then eventually to what is on the inside. You know the deal, you go to a club or party. Get all prettied up to scope out the hottest guys (or girls) that are there. If they past that test, then maybe they can move on to the next phase. Its so idiotic....all a part of the dating game. Yes, the dating game is so much fun. I went to a party last week and had a fantastic time getting to know people...from what i remember, i was pretty darn tipsy. Ok, i was hammered beyond belief. So, this brings me back to the subject of love. Love can be blind, so I've heard. You are so wrapped up in your own little world of "happiness" you don't manage to see what is going on around you. Ok, sometimes this can be good, especially if you are both in this zone together. Can love be that blind? Or do we just fool ourselves....we know, but won't admit things about what is really going on in the world.

Lately i've been getting in touch with the dream world. It is amazing how so many of your thoughts come out in your dreams, yet most people don't pay attention to them. If you begin to really pay attention to what is goign on in your dreams, and how they can relate to your life, its really interesting how your subconscious begins to speak to you. The ideas that scared me most seemed to come out in my dreams all of the time. My subconscious wouldn't let me not deal with the situations. So, I don't think love is blind. Not entirely.

2.) funny, yet very very sick

Wednesday, November 10, 2004
A funny thought occured to me. Ever go driving and then look over at the person in the next car, only to notice that they are picking their nose. Now, this isn't a little pick, they are really just going at it. My bestfriend and I were trying to figure out what people do with it. I know I know, sounds totally disgusting and yes it is completely disgusting, but isn't it more disgusting to know that they just flick that shit in their car? The thing is, everyone has done it. So, this leads me to my next thought. Do some people do this out of habit? I remember an old teacher of mine would leave the school everyday at the same time, and just as he would turn a certain corner (I know this because I would wait for my ride) he would pick his nose. It was so gross and I remember thinking, YUCK! So, I do believe that most nose pickers do it out of habit.



3.)The things people do

Thursday, November 11, 2004
The things people do in elevators
So, recently I was standing in an elevator by myself. It was a only a short ride, but I got a sudden itch on my boob and sometimes you just have to scratch it. So later, long after I had gotten out of the elevator, I remembered a conversation between close friends and my younger sister. We were discussing whether or not they put cameras in the elevator. You know, I didn't even think about this when I went to scratch my itch....but im sure other people have done much worse! Actually I know that people have done worse. It kinda makes you wonder if the security people have fun with that stuff. I know if I were in that position, I would be laughing constantly at the bloopers they probably keep on hand.

As for my day, I found out at 10pm that I was suppose to work today...opps. I can't believe that I would completely forget about a shift. This is not like me! I usually dont work thursdays and I haven't thought all week that i had to work today. Ahhhh....I hope they don't fire me. The one day I go some where and forget to take my phone! One thing I have learned though, don't shop in heels. Especially if you are going to spend four hours in a mall! Ladies...we are going dancing this Saturday and hopefully a VIP on the guest list. We will wait and see. Good times, good times.


4.)Grrrrrrrrace

Grace: Something that I don't have, but think I do.
This has been a great day, for the most part. I woke up late, snuggled under my two blankets, comforter, and sheet. There is just something about waking up when there is absolutely nothing to do. So, I jumped in the shower after I decided to meet up with my friend Quyen at the mall to look for CFM boots, otherwise known as Come Fuck Me boots. All you men out there, be warned. Every girl has a pair of come fuck me shoes. They are the super high stiletto shoes that say, "here I am." Ok, maybe not every girl, but the ones who like to go out. Shit, even my bestfriend has a pair! After I bought my new shoes (two pair!), I also got an awesome halter satin shirt....I'll be dance'n in that one. So, I'm with my friend in the car and she decides to let me off on the side street. Ok, well there is a red zone there and I think I have discovered why it is a red zone. I'm getting really excited about getting all of my new things out of the back seat and I said my goodbyes to Quyen and swung my ass around really fast. Well, I turned so fast that I didn't see the pole that hit my face. The pole made a loud bang and began to wobble. If that wasn't bad enough, I just found out that when I went back to the car to tell my friend that I had hit my face on the pole, she immediately saw the evidence. There was a huge chalk mark across my face! She was laughing so hard and I ended up just walking away laughing, so she never told me! Ah, im not graceful whatsoever! SHit, and if that wasn't bad enough, This happened last week too! She parked in the same damn place, except I didn't hit my face, only my arm. Needless to say QUYEN you are not allowed to park there!

Another incident happened a couple of weeks ago. I was walking to school to meet up with a friend when this hispanic guy stopped at the light and proceded to make cat calls. Well, I was obviously bothered by it and when I walked in front of his car (I was in the crosswalk), I triped over my own feet. To make matters worse, he commented on my graceful act.

Have you ever noticed that when you are alone and something happens like this, you get really embarrassed. But when you are with your friends, you laugh at yourself? Imagine you are in a store and you trip and fall to the ground. You can't exactly laugh at yourself, because people will think you are crazy! However, when you are with your friends and the same thing happens, it makes more sense to laugh about it and make a joke.

On to a more sad note, so I came to the realization today that my brother can be a complete fucking asshole. He treated my mother like shit and does things on purpose to make her life miserable. My mother has worked her ass off her entire life. She raised and supported both my brother and I, all the while giving us things when she didn't have the money! My father was a complete ass too and it seems that my brother has gone to him more than the honest and decent people in his life. It is so sad. Especially since he is only hurting his own son. It just really hurts to see or hear as I did today, my Mom cry. I will never do that to my mom. It is just something you don't do. I'm just grateful I'm like my mom in that sense. If I had heard him say those things to my mother man......gosh that angers me. I probably would have decked him. And I don't get angry very often. Upset, maybe a little, but never really angry.

And a happy note to end this, I was looking through this box that my mother sent home with my bestfriend and there was all sorts of cool shit. I then opened this bag and there was this card set...I was kinda surprised. It was called Love: Truth or Dare. I opened it up, hoping that it might have some crazy fun in it, only to find out that it is a weird game that you play with a group of people....nothing crazy or kinky at all..Now, wat is the fun in that? I guess I am kinda glad my mom didn't buy me something like that. I might get a little worried.


5.)Say what? Yes, I'm obsessed with spreading holiday cheer!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004
how do i make it hard?
So my bake fest went very well. I watched my holiday movies and baked lots of goodies. I baked 15 small loaves of Zuchini and pumpkin breads, two large loaves of Zuchini and I still have a few more batches that I will whip up tomorrow night so it will be fresh when I take it home to my mom. But, there was a slight problem with my toffee. You see, I made this new recipe....well, this morning when i went to go do my taste test the shit was kinda soft....not like it should be. I am so frustrated! It has good flavor, but I don't know how to make it hard! hehe If anyone has any tips for making it hard, please feel free to let me know. I am puzzled...

I'm off to deliver the baked goods now....


6.)Bag pipes and me between a womans legs? wah?

Sunday, December 12, 2004
A WILD weekend
This weekend has been sooooo much fun! On Friday night I ended up playing for this outside Christmas gathering at some apartment building. The highlight was the bag pipes! I wish I could play the bag pipes. Either that or the organ. The two parents on the music family. I ended up having a couple of drinks there after I played. It was nice to see some of the old people I use to hang out with. I then went to a very cozy video game dinner party. I will admit it now, that I really really suck at video games. It's too much to take in for this slow brain. We had great drinks and good company. Thanks Quyen! I did have a slight hang over though when I went to work the next morning!

Last night was wild. I ended up with a bunch of girls at City Walk. We went to Howl at the Moon. By the time we got there, it was about 12:30 so I didn't have much time to accomplish what I had gone there to do....drink drink drink! Well, the bartender seemed to like us and gave us a few free drinks....strong ass drinks. I can't tell you how many I had. I was a little surprised at the way they did shots. This little hooter's girl carrying drinks comes up to us and asks if we want a shot of southern comfort. Everyone was like yeah, maybe....so my dumbass gets my money out real quick. I noticed she had a large bottle of whip cream and thought she would just put a little on top. So she tells me she has to put the tray down and then she jumps on the bar. So, at this point I look like an idiot cause I don't know whats going on. Well, I was already almost completely drunk, so I was game for pretty much anything. So this girl is sitting on the bar and she says, "come here." I was a little standoffish, but I did it anyway. She then wraps her legs around me and pulls me up against her. She tilts my head back, pores whip cream in my mouth and then the shot. Mind you, she has her bossom in my face! That my friends is the closest I will ever come to a lesbian experience! Not for me....the girls were just laughing at me and the guys seemed to look all the more because it appeared that I seemed to be the only fucking girl in the bar to get a shot from this girl....ok, now im more educated on this shit....so when that chip'n dales guy comes up to me and wants to give me a shot, I'll be ready....wow, i just realized how perverse that was. I was also very impressed with the drunken games. They had two people, a girl and a guy get up on the stage. They did the whole, head...shoulders, knees and toes thingy. EXCEPT, for the girls it was boobs and butt, boobs and butt. The guy was nuts and butt. The guy took that one a little too far by flashing, but it was all good. I also seemed to go blind when I'm drunk....Jennifer Love Hewitt passed by, right in front of me several times and I didn't catch her. So, as my night came to an end, we all ended up back at my friends apartment where we entertained the neighbors with loud Christmas carols and I think I fell of the couch a few times. My friend, we'll just call him P Fo came to the rescue when we were starving at 3:30am. Good times good times. Tune in to next weeks program.......


7.)That's right bitch. You know it! hehe

Sunday, January 30, 2005
The CONCERT
So I spent most of Saturday morning in search for a long black skirt. Most normal people can find a floor length black skirt, but me? I was looking for a week! Luckily I found one. I also found another new pair of shoes...yeah yeah, I know I need another pair of new shoes just like I need a hole in my head. Well, the shoes looked nice, but I was cursing the day I bought them because I felt like I was gonna die during the performance. I must say I did look pretty good though...very professional.

So we arrived at Disney Hall very early. I chatted with a few of the older ladies singing. We then rehearsed a few sections before going on. When I sat down in Disney I looked down at the viola section and could definately picture myself playing there. That is something I never really pictured myself doing before.....THEN I realized that I wasn't going to play the viola last night...I was singing and I got so freaked out. My heart began to race (probably not a good thing that I drank a venti coffee from starbucks right before), I began to sweat a little, and my hands started to shake. AH! I was a wreck! Then the movement started and I was fine. I sang ok. NOt the greatest, but it was a pretty good start. I was cursing at my shoes though around the third movement. With no place to sit down in the piece, I had to stand in those goddamn shoes for a fucking hour. I thought I would die. But the concert went ok. Not the greatest concert ever done, but not the worst. Overall, I SANG WITH THE LA PHIL!!!! So, it was good! I was floating on cloud nine all day yesturday!


8.)Call me a pervert and say what you will...but I'm still right on this one.

Monday, February 21, 2005
are you kidding me? 4%?
This weekend was strange!!! Today kinda sucked. I was irritated by everyone and everything for most of the day. I just wanted to go home and be by myself. I'm not usually like that. I don't want to say it is PMS either because I like to think that I am perfect and don't go through that shit. I'm sure that is far from the truth. Needless to say, I came out of my irritated mood later in the day. My evening was nice. I hung out with a lot of friends who I don't get to see that often. We also had an interesting conversation. WOW....

To start, let me just say that all of this started from a magazine article. It spoke about self love, in other words, masterbation. Basically it read, most men do this kind of love'n at least a few times a week. According to a few of my men friends who were present during this conversation, that is the understatement of the year! Most men, according to them, do this act at least 10 times a week if not more. The funniest part about the article was when it compared masterbation to trimming the hairs in your nose. You know everyone does it, and it is just another task to attend to. It's just an added bonus that it happens to be enjoyable! Ok...nose hair compared to wacking off.....just doesn't seem right to me. The article also pointed out that 4% of men don't give themselves any self love'n at all. UM, there is no way that is true. There must be some stupid people out there to actually think women are going to believe that one...and 4% too! Ok, I'm guessing that ratio is more like .05%! According to the article,man has his arms at crotch level for a reason....I think they are right! What a kick! Definately a good source of entertainment for the evening!

I was able to have a few drinks with my bestfriend this weekend. Ang has never gotten drunk with me before, ever! We had so much fun! We ended up coming home, wasted and hungry. So she baked cookies while I made tamales at 2am!! Then we made a few calls, laughed a few laughs, and went to bed. All I can say is, I had a great time!!


9.)What I want, who I am, how I came to be who I am...
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Wednesday
This day hasn't been your typical Wednesday. I had a really nice conversation with my Aunt (mom's sister). My aunt was a merit scholar in her younger years and has lived an interesting life. She married my uncle at an early age and they traveled together in their younger years. They didn't have children until they had been married almost 10 years. She asked me how being "a mother" was going. I am far from a mother, but I am currently taking care of my 17month old nephew. My reply was simple.......I'm not going to be a mother for a very long time! It is a great responsibility and one that I certainly am not ready to get into. As she spoke about her life, she said that she and her husband have enjoyed their two children, but now that the baby is almost out of the house, they are rekindling what the use to have before they ever had children. They do more couple things, travel a little, and make time for each other. I realized at this point that I am similar to my aunt. I would like to live a little before having children, and I definately hope to have what she has with her husband down the line. However, I do want a career. I want to be successful and live up to my potential. Yet, I do want to be able to spend my time with that someone. I want to be an individual and independent. At the same time, I want to be able to share that with the people that are special in my life. Accomplishments mean absolutely nothing if you can't share them with others. Everything that I do may satisfy myself, but they don't mean a damn thing if you can't share them. When I get excited about something, the first person I usually tell is my Mom or my close friends. I guess that is the reason I am away from my home caring for my family at the moment. Your love for your family is unconditional, even when they are sick or just being a pain in the ass. I have my life, but what good would it be if I couldn't be there for the people that mean the most to me? I certainly didn't want to be here, but I know that I wouldn't be the person I am without these people. I guess I am just showing my gratitude by giving a little love, time and patience. Everything happens for a reason.

Watching someone you love become ill and change from the person you once knew is probably the most difficult thing to deal with. My Grandfather was a pretty good guy. He was laid back and always did what my grandma("Momma") said. I can still hear him chuckle while he would sneak cookies out of the kitchen, "oh it's good for you" he would say. But seeing cancer take him away from the person he was, was in fact the most difficult thing for me. He didn't recogize me when I visited him. His death was difficult too, but knowing there was no more suffering somehow eased the pain of his loss. My Mom use to run around like a chicken with her head cut off. I swear, the woman would never sit down. She was an ER nurse for many years and supervized the nursing staff for years. Now she can't take care of herself. This isn't suppose to happen now. I'm only 23 and she is 55. Fuck, even my grandma is still living a great life. I'm a fairly religious catholic and yet I cannot say one prayer...I can't even think it. I am able to ask others to pray, but I can't....I can't seem to say the words and I don't know why. I show absolutely no emotion when I visit the hospital and I kept wondering why today. I must have sat there for 3 hours, giving only simple answers and nodding. What will come?


10.)"Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left."
Thursday, April 21, 2005
"When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving
you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to
you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left."

When I read this, I immediately thought about my father. He walked away....twice. You can't make someone stay that isn't there...who leaves, whether it be in mind or body. If someone cuts off communication to you...or just stops communicating with you, you can't make them come back to you.

Everything from my father, to Erick (my exboyfriend), to my brother. You can't make them communicate with you or open up to you if they aren't willing. And I've discovered that there isn't a damn thing wrong with walking away from it all. Que sera, sera. If they were meant to be in my life, they would be in it....no questions. So, with that being said, I can easily put an end to that chapter in my life. It is kinda like reading a book. I'm wondering what will happen next....what will be? As I move through more chapters, what will come? The truth is, none of us know. Only God knows. "Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left." I think I'm finally ready.


11.)Music and dance
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
if you cant dance a sarabande, you can't play it!
I know how to waltz and salsa, but do I know how to dance to the dance suites of Bach? My answer is no. SOOOOOOOO, my goal is to learn. Arthur Loesser, a pianist and scholar once asked, "Do you know how to dance the movements of this (Bach) partita?"

"It might help you to understand each movement's character if you did. Let me demonstrate." The man actually got up and danced!

We have been trying to perform Bach in the way that performers of Bach's time would play. However, Bach was head of his time. If he were given the instruments of our time, I believe, along with Pablo Casals, that Bach intended for his music to be played uncensored and from the heart. There is already a difference in your sound if you are playing on an instrument made in the 1950s. Not everyone dances the same to a waltz. There is specific foot work to the dance, but there is freedom within. Why can't I play the opening to Bach's third cello suite with passion and fire if I have the basic foot work? Blame it on Casals if I play with too much passion!

Pablo Casals once told Arnold Steinhartz a story about a gypsy. Casals sat down in a resturant and was immediately recognized by this gypsy. The gypsy then honored him by playing Bach's G minor Solo Sonata. Casals told Steinharzt that "it was the most fiery, the freest Bach [he] had ever heard. Also the best. This gypsy had none of our fears and inhibitions about what to do or not do in Bach. He played uncensored and from the heart (Indivisible by Four, Arnold Steinhartz)."


My conclusion is...I can't play Bach yet!! I've studied his works for years and I still don't get it. Chance are, it will be a life long lesson. Tom Tatton once told me a story about a violist who was studying the six cello suites. I can't remember which great violist it is...so I won't mention the name just in case I step all over it.....anyways, this violist had been studying the suites for years...I'm talking decades. Everyone thought that he was by far one of the best teachers and performers of these suites. One day he was heard practicing these suites and was asked, "how are the cello suites coming along?" The old man, of 65 or 70 replied, "I think I'm beginning to understand them." I'm only 24....Bach and I have a lifetime ahead of us! My goal is to learn how to dance a Sarabande today....cause you can't play it until you know how to dance to it! :)


12.)the beginning...
here we go... hold on to your seats! It's a long one.
Ok, am I a little stressed right now? Maybe. Here is just a little glimpse of what can piss me off and turn me into a cranky person. My little nephew is being cared for by my very sick mother. And it looks as though we might have to put the baby in foster care for a short term.... This all makes me want to scream! It is a wonder I can keep my head on straight, but I do... AND I still manage to smile!!! So there! Take that all you cranky people out there! :)

So here is a short(haha) email conversation between my mother and I!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:
I have a proposition. I am at my job as you know for a little more than a month. I can't be back and forth with this. So here is what I have come up with. If you continue to pay for his childcare, couldn't he be in childcare down here for a month? My boss at maries gave me sunday night off and said that he thought it would benefit me if I had the day off (I have monday off too). So here is my proposal:
I could fly up there Saturday. Spend the Sunday with you and get your groceries at get you situated. Then drive your car with Brad down here. I know you wouldn't like that idea but it is all I could come up with, without putting Brad in foster care. you need a break and need to worry about yourself and you KNOW I will take really good care of him. There is a daycare accross the street from the music dept. and it is very convenient. The only thing I would have to check on is Ang. Our apartment is small, but I could easily keep him busy with walks and going to the park...things he should be doing. i know you don't think this will work, but I do think it will. So call me and let me know your thoughts. As for dealing with his parents, we will figure something out. It is only a month. And you could use the rest without Brad around. I work at 4 today and probably until closing... so call me before or in the morning. I'm sure if you contacted Brad's lawyer and talked it over with him...tell him you are too sick and have alternative care for him for a short term, I'm sure he will follow through with this. He is looking for the best interest of the child and knowing that he is with a loving family member rather than in foster care would be still a better situation. ttyl I love ya.

Love,
Jenn




_____________________________________________________________________________________
She said:



AS FOR YOUR PROPOSITION



YOU ARE BEING SELFISH SOMETIMES AND ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS..WHAT ABOUT ME, I NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT MORE THAN ANYTHING NOW AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE... I AM VERY ILL AND NEED YOUR UNDERDTANDING NOW AND I TOLD YOU I JUST NEED YOUR MORAL SUPPORT AND CARING NOW, NOT SAYING YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND FORTH WITH THIS....DIDN'T I BRINGING YOU UP IN THE FAITH TO BE COMPATIONATE AND CARING,....AND FOR GOD'S SAKE THAT INVOLVES LOVING AND HONORING THY MOTHER...PART OF TEN COMMANDMENTS. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR BROTHER HAS NOT DONE, HE HAS TAKEN EXACTLY AFTER HIS FATHER AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ON THAT TRACK. SOMETIMES WE ARE FORCED TO FACE OBSTICALS AND TRIALS IN OUR LIVES AND FACED TO GROW UP. LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS HAVING FUN ALL THE TIME...BELIEVE ME, AS I COULD USE SOME IN MY LIFE....I AM FACING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS TOO, AT A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING OF RETIRING AND ENJOYING TAKING LITTLE TRIPS AND ENJOYING THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR OF WORKING FOR OVER 40 YEARS. LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY THAT YOU WILL HONOR ME AND ACCEPT ME AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND BE SUPPORTIVE......GOD BLESS YOU, MOM


_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:


OK, FIRST OFF: you obviously took that email the wrong way.

I am ONLY trying to HONOR you. And if you cannot see that, maybe we both need to go to counseling together when I move up north. It would do us both good. And by no means is that a personal attack on you... Maybe it is me admitting that I care for you too much to ever want to have any anger or resentment toward you. This is a rough time and an outside point of view would help us both tremedously.

You called me the other night crying and upset. This upset me.... the fact that I had to hear you upset bothers me just as if the roles were reversed. So, I was trying to think of some other way of going about things... hence the saying, thinking outside the box. I was not trying to be selfish watsoever! In fact, it was completely the opposite. I was not thinking about myself nor was I even thinking about you. I was thinking about Bradford, my nephew. I was ONLY thinking about him! Not you, not Randy, Not even myself. My thoughts were these: 1.) It would have given you a break and let you rest. 2.) It would prevent Brad from going into foster care. 3.) It would have given you peace of mind knowing that he would have been well cared for. 4.) You wouldn't have to deal with a caretaker who is stealing from you.

I really wasn't trying to attack you and make you feel bad. I was just trying to figure out some alternatives. But thankfully, something came your way. No matter how bad it gets, how hard it is... eventually something good will come. Or at least SOMETHING will lessen.

And as for your personal attack on me about growing up in faith and being compassionate and caring. I believe I am. I try my hardest to live up to that. I am there when you need me. I've been there when Randy has needed me. I've tried. And I am still trying and will continue to. Why? Maybe you can figure out why.

And as for me turning into something like my father. It just isn't possible.... you know that and I know that. You need to get that thought out of your head before I can ever continue with anything... I will not take that, EVER. He was/is a selfish bastard who cares for no one... who can drop people in his life at a drop of a hat... who has hurt people so much, not just once... but over and over again. He is an alcoholic... a faithless person... a pediphile... a money hungry bastard (one of the reasons I have so little care for money)... how does this all sound? I'm sure you could come up with more... A lot more. I am not like that... and I refuse to be even considered in that same category.

I have learned so much in my life already. I am far from perfect.. I have a lot of self doubts... I'm overweight... I could apply myself much more than I do... I could educate myself much more... I could handle my money better... I could work more... I could practice more... I could go to church more... I could be more forgiving... I could be there for you more... the list goes on...

But there are a few things I know for sure...I am compassionate. I am caring. I do know how to LOVE. You have lead me in my faith so far, but it is my faith in God that keeps me here... Keeps me from running away from things and gives me the courage to deal with everything.

I do care about you and I do want you to be happy and get better and not have the pain that you do. And I am here to listen to you. I always have been and will continue to be. I am moving there in a short while so that I can ease some of the stress on you... so that I can help with that little boy... take him to the park and for walks... let him play in the dirt like all kids do... I want to see him laugh... I want to see you laugh... I can't tell you how long it has been since I've seen you happy and heard you laugh... and not be angry at me or angry at the world for having pain. Shit, if I were in your position I would say Fuck it too and not care. I really do want you to be happy. You know, I'm pretty well known for my laugh... people ALWAYS comment on that. I laugh because it relieves stress and it makes me happy... and maybe, just maybe we can get you to that point again. You just have to be able to get to a point where you can say, so what? You take much of everything to heart and there is nothing wrong with that. That is you. Just know that I am not trying to hurt you or make life difficult for you. I love you and I want to be there for you, just as you were for me. I am my own person just as you are. I have my own faults and should not be compared to anyone else, so please just love me for who I am.

Your daughter,
Jennifer





Ok... I feel much better now. My goal is to read this through again and again if I get upset... Then smile, because eventually there will be some light.

Eventually.



13.)Love
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Irony of Love
The Irony of Love

The greatest irony of love;
loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right
and finding out you love someone right after
that person walks out of your life...

and sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending
to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that
they will never be yours again...

for some, they think that letting go is one way
of expressing how much they love that person...
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love
being held by someone else...

most relationships tend to fail not because
the absence of love. love is always present.
it's just that one was being loved too much and the
other was being loved too little...

as we all know that the heart is the center of the body
but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason
why the heart is not always right...

most often we fall in love with the person we think we love
but to only discover that for them
we are just for passing time. while the one who truly
loves us remains either a friend or a stranger...

so here's a piece of advice;
let go when you're hurting too much.
give up when love isn't enough.
and move on when things are not like before...

For sure there is someone out there
WHO WiLL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...



Ok, I'm gonna leave it at that. These are some of my favorites. Many of which I look at over and over again. I'm very pleased that I have been able to keep posting for so long. My journey is far from over.