I'M DONE

Here I am... can't even compose myself if I tried.

First I was in pergatory, but officially
Hell begins now.

I received 3 phone calls today telling me that my mother is being discharged from the hospital. Not because the doctor says she is in good enough condition to come home, but because her health insurance can no longer pay. Guess what? Guess who is going to be the nurse and care taker now? So, being depressed 2 hours a day when I went to visit her is not enough. Now I can be unhappy and depressed all day long!!!! So in addition to caring for a baby who isn't mine, I have a depressed, sick mother who cannot care for herself.

So lets get this straight... I have very little money in the bank, no car because I gave it away and moved up here, no job, a half crazed family who I can't lean on even if I had to...

This is such a sad thought...

I've been more upset today than when my mother had the cardiac arrests and I thought she was going to die.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to her. I feel guilty for feeling that, but its true. I don't fucking care. I'm angry, angry because I'm guilted for doing this, no, furious is more like it. So much so, I could leave and say fuck it all and not have anything to do with any of them anymore. What is a family who makes you feel awful about yourself, who guilts you into doing things and plays mind games with you. Why even bother with a family? I have to stick next to them because they are my family? When they are driving me to have a mental break down? God says you should stick by your loved ones. Well, fuck that. Sure, Let me just turn half crazied like them... I feel like I already am. I'm never going to be normal or even happy if I stay here. My life is going to pass me by and I'm going to turn into the fucking grinch. What is important here? I don't care about much of anyone anymore. That baby is the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. Luckily, I believe my brother is FINALLY able and willing enough to have him and love him.

I guess one good thing... My brother finally stepped up yesterday in court.

"I am willing to do anything and everything to get full custody of my son back." And for once, I believe it was very heart felt. Half the battle is won.

What do I do now? WHere do I go? Do I continue to stay here where I will never get better? Do I stay in this cloud of negativity or get out? How do I do I go about this? With what? So many questions, so few possiblities. Music barely means anything to me anymore, family means absolutely nothing, and my sense of self worth is in the toilet. Hmm, what's next?

She has sooooo many bills that are unpaid... there are stacks of them that I haven' even opened because she cannot pay them. She has enough to get her by for necessities and housing payments, but not enough to pay these bills. So she will give me shit about dealing with her finances too. When I'm just trying to stay alive here, support this baby.. bring her the damn cookies and crap she asks for every other day. And I will get shit for this. I just want to tell her to fuck off and deal with her own shit. It isn't my problem anymore. She isn't my problem.

I'm done.