Death of a Spirit

I was driving to pick up some breakfast this morning when a thought popped into my head...

There is a reason death is for the most part, associated with negative thoughts and feelings. Sadness, hurt, pain might just be a few things one may feel. Then I began to wonder why is death associated with such negativity?

Think about it, if there is this magical, mysterious, joyous place where peace exists in this so called "heaven," wouldn't we want to push the fast forward button? Why are we stuggling on earth with such horrors if we could just go to heaven and it would be all over with?

That is why death hurts. That is why death is painful. That is why we have medical problems. That is why we have sadness, hurt and anger when thoughts of this subject occur. If we could surpass all of these thoughts and feelings to where we could just chose to BE there, then life would cease to exist. Hell, everyone would want to jump over the ledge of a 50 ft building. Why should we live this crazy life, when peace and love are promised to us in heaven?

That is why we must live the horrors on earth... if we didn't, life would cease to exist. I suppose in a sense, we must earn our way out of this life and into the next, just as we earn our status on this earth.



Death has crossed my mind quite offen this past year. Watching someone you once knew so well transform into someone completely different is very difficult to see. Especially when you can see that life might not bless this person with many more years, maybe even less.

I am angry.

Angry that everyone has always looked to me for help. However, if Jennifer is in a pickle, everyone gets upset with me or leaves.

I could really care less if people want to help me out, because I am confident in what I will be able to provide for myself. But I don't need all of the guilt and emotional abuse for the choices I make.



I'm sick of being told I'm a mental case and that I need treatment. I am sick of being told that I need to have some faith in God. I am sick of being told I am a devil. WTF?

Imagine this:

You are expected to not have any friends. All of my friends are bad and they feed me full of senseless bullshit which will never help me in life (not my opinion, i love my friends).

Make sure that there is enough jelly on the english muffin, otherwise one of two things will happen. She will complain that there is too MUCH jelly and that I am being wasteful, or there is not enough and she cannot taste it. Not to mention the countless trips made to fetch whatever beverage she wants.

I never empty the commode. Now she can walk, there is nothing wrong with the toilet, yet she continues to think that she is in a convelscent hospital where people wait on you. I empty this once every night, yet I am told I don't do it but once every three days.

I wake her up to take her medicine. SHe askes me why I wake her up b/c she NEVER sleeps. Then I don't wake her up to take her medicine and she blames me for letting her sleep all day.

Most days, every thought and phrase uttered from her lips are negative.

I never help her "clean up." When you shop at least 3 times a week for needless shit, have three rooms used for storage and no where to go, how can one clean?

Everyday, I am asked, "where did you put ----?" If it is gone, I am blamed for it. Not to mention, I am considered a thief, liar and devil.



Ok, now try hearing and doing all of this every day. Now, try hearing and doing this everyday and not getting a break for the last 8, almost 9 months.



Maybe I just need a break.


Maybe I just need my life back.

I believe that it was my faith that kept her here on this earth after her unbelievable medical issues. I believe that it is my honesty that has kept me here. And I believe that it is my love and devotion to those I love that I am here in this position.

I am not mental. I'm just not appreciated.


So, now I will take myself on a new journey, to a new place without reservation. I am taking my life back.