I cannot believe that I have gone two months without hearing your voice. I hurt so much. My heart breaks every time I think of it. I'm so angry.... angry at the family. Partly because only one of your cousins came to your funeral. How that hurt me...
My own sisters didn't show their faces to me. After the way I always treated them. I supported them, took their side.. and this is how they treat me? By disrespecting me. My mom died for goodness sake, can't pick up a fucking phone? Wait... I did get a text. Sorry I didn't call you back... were you too tired? I gave you food when you were starving your dog. I gave you money when you said you were hungry, but were obviously spending it on pot or some other drug. I sent you countless birthday cards and never forgot about you.... lets not forget about that day I was working for their mother and I went to work to find nothing in the office.. not even furniture!!! And of course that wonderful phone call right after asking me to come get her by the side of the road because she ran someone off of the road and almost killed him.... After dropping her off and seeing my two sisters... only then did they manage to say, "by the way, Happy Birthday!"
I've been there for everybody. and the one time I ask for help or support, the door is slammed in my face. It hurts. I guess I've learned my lesson.
My Mom was something special. She was honest to a fault, kind, generous, warm, loving... she taught me about integrety. The day I went to see her, my body knew. My mind knew. From the moment I got the phone call, I knew. I couldn't get on a plane the next day because I knew. I felt it. I had to grieve. I know she wasn't gone yet, but I knew she would not be with me for long. My body was completely screwed up. Walking up to the hospital, walking through the doors... my body was dealing with the news alright. I walked in to your hospital room by myself and Marilyn and Cindy were there praying at her side. I felt that usual feeling when I would see you like that Mom. It's that, here we are again feeling. Except, this time you are in that room...the room that I saw a man die in when you were intubated in a different room in RICU. I remember watching it. My heart stopping. I knew then that you were not leaving me yet. Although you had tubes every where and a machine was breathing for you, I knew. When I walked into that fateful room, seeing you with the breathing machine and then I looked at your face....God, I still can't write this with out stopping to wipe my tears.
Everyone left me alone with you Mom. And I knew I had a few moments with you. Those moments that I've been preparing for since you became sick... although never rehearsed or even thought of. I don't know what came over me, but I had to talk. I talked about everything, everyone and of course, our Bradford. And then the moment came. All of those memories over came me... I recalled the time you had a cardiac arrest and I prayed for Mary and your guardian angel. Cindy says that she's never heard anyone pray that loudly or that quickly before in her life. I called out to you then, told you that you were too damn stubborn to let go... that we needed you....8 minutes go by and you are being wheeled out on a gurnee, grabbing the handrails... You are a miracle! How quickly did those thoughts vanish... I know now that you need something different. You need someone to be strong for you, to hold your hand, to tell you not to worry and that everything would be all right. At that very moment, I did what I thought you needed and not what I wanted. God knows that I wanted you. I wanted you to be with me and to not leave me. I told you think of a wonderful place that brings you peace and to be there. I told you that I can no longer be selfish and that if God is calling you, you need to go. Don't be afraid. I believe that this life is only the journey, not the destination.
I knew you were with me on that day. I could feel you. They said you had no brain movement whatsoever, but I know differently. I know you. I know how you defide all odds and came back to life 6 times. I know that when you were on life support a few years back that you could hear.. you proved that one! I've always felt it and known it... I guess some would call it intuition. However, that day in the hospital, I know you were there. I would ask you to breathe more on your own and you did... I don't think I've ever told you that I love you that much.
The next day, you were in the same state, but I didn't feel you there. Your body was there breathing and your heart was beating, but you were not there with me. Your face looked 20 years younger and you looked absolutely at peace. I felt so relieved. John and I spent the evening with you, talking to you, filling you in on our lifetime plans. I rubbed your feet with lotion and gave you a sponge bath. You weren't there.
The next day we all gathered around you and prayed. Father didn't give you last rights because God knows you had them at least 10 other times. lol We prayed for your journey to God...
and then we left the room while they took the tubes out and we all came back in... your Bradford and all of our family. We said goodbye. I held your hand and talked to you. I must have told you I loved you a million times. I must have kissed you even more. I think I was trying to squeeze a lifetime of kisses and I love you's in. And then when you passed, I wiped my tears and began to celebrate. No more suffering! What a joyous place you are going to!
My dear Mom, I love you so much and miss you. You are only a thought a way and a dream ever so close. I pray that you will help Grandma find her way. I miss you both so much.
"Love you."
