"I'm free, but it doesn't feel exquisite."

I'm still in Southern California at this moment. I don't know if it is because I just don't want to go back and want to prolong this visit as long as possible, or because I do not want to face all of the bullshit... could be both.


I spoke to my Babycakes last night on the phone... he huffed and puffed while I asked him numorous questions, all the while just listening to my voice. He was busy playing monkey monkey jumping on the bed. What a cutie. I miss him terribly. He has been the one to put a smile on my face every day. And although I know my time with him will lessen, I know that the bond will only grow stronger. It has been an interesting journey so far. I've been given the opportunity to experience motherhood at an early age.... which is something I had always debated on... whether or not I would want children early in life. Many do, but it only made me realize all the more that I would rather wait until I was in my early to mid thirties. My nephew has gotten me through some tough times as well. He made me laugh when I'd want to cry.... even made me smile through all of my tears when things were going so terribly. Children definately are a blessing... but my nephew has been a blessing in disguise for me. I know that soon he will be where he needs to be and that my time with him will lessen, however my bond with him will only grow stronger I am sure. I suppose that is why I have a difficult time getting attached to anyone anymore. I'd rather just let go and move on with my life.... I'm afraid that getting attached will hurt more. I've fought hard not to get too attached to my nephew because I know that soon he will also leave me behind... but for a better life for himself. But there is still that feeling and I know it is one of the reasons I have kept my distance. But the little shit won't let me! After we go through our evening ritual of getting ready for bed, he sits down with me to read a few books and then we listen to music before he goes to bed... and that's where he got me. He cuddles up to me... it has taken him a while, but he's decided that he doesn't mind being held and cuddled. I sing to him as he goes to sleep and he sometimes hums along. I once said before, sometimes all you need is a hug... I was looking elsewhere for it, but I guess it found me.

I treat my mother like that too... I try hard not to get attached. I even discovered that I speak differently to her. I am very cold. I think I'm afraid that if I get emotionally involved, even more than I am, it will hurt. My heart already feels too heavy and I cannot imagine it feeling worse. I guess that is why. I don't want to get emotionally attached because I'm afraid she will die on me and that will weigh the heaviest on my heart... no, I know. And I suppose I just don't think I could handle it.

I guess that is why I am still here. Leaving would mean I have to face the reality of my life. Whereas, before I still had my place to go to and the fantasy still existed... that everything and everyone would go back to the way it was and I could go back to my old life. So I am at a crossroad and I know which way to go, but I'm afraid. No... SCARED TO DEATH. I don't know if this is the right decision. I feel like a blind woman swimming in an ocean with no one around. Sink or swim right? But which way do I go? I guess I have to go with the tide.