here we go... hold on to your seats! It's a long one.
Ok, am I a little stressed right now? Maybe. Here is just a little glimpse of what can piss me off and turn me into a cranky person. My little nephew is being cared for by my very sick mother. And it looks as though we might have to put the baby in foster care for a short term.... This all makes me want to scream! It is a wonder I can keep my head on straight, but I do... AND I still manage to smile!!! So there! Take that all you cranky people out there! :)
So here is a short(haha) email conversation between my mother and I!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:
I have a proposition. I am at my job as you know for a little more than a month. I can't be back and forth with this. So here is what I have come up with. If you continue to pay for his childcare, couldn't he be in childcare down here for a month? My boss at maries gave me sunday night off and said that he thought it would benefit me if I had the day off (I have monday off too). So here is my proposal:
I could fly up there Saturday. Spend the Sunday with you and get your groceries at get you situated. Then drive your car with Brad down here. I know you wouldn't like that idea but it is all I could come up with, without putting Brad in foster care. you need a break and need to worry about yourself and you KNOW I will take really good care of him. There is a daycare accross the street from the music dept. and it is very convenient. The only thing I would have to check on is Ang. Our apartment is small, but I could easily keep him busy with walks and going to the park...things he should be doing. i know you don't think this will work, but I do think it will. So call me and let me know your thoughts. As for dealing with his parents, we will figure something out. It is only a month. And you could use the rest without Brad around. I work at 4 today and probably until closing... so call me before or in the morning. I'm sure if you contacted Brad's lawyer and talked it over with him...tell him you are too sick and have alternative care for him for a short term, I'm sure he will follow through with this. He is looking for the best interest of the child and knowing that he is with a loving family member rather than in foster care would be still a better situation. ttyl I love ya.
Love,
Jenn
_____________________________________________________________________________________
She said:
AS FOR YOUR PROPOSITION
YOU ARE BEING SELFISH SOMETIMES AND ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS..WHAT ABOUT ME, I NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT MORE THAN ANYTHING NOW AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE... I AM VERY ILL AND NEED YOUR UNDERDTANDING NOW AND I TOLD YOU I JUST NEED YOUR MORAL SUPPORT AND CARING NOW, NOT SAYING YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND FORTH WITH THIS....DIDN'T I BRINGING YOU UP IN THE FAITH TO BE COMPATIONATE AND CARING,....AND FOR GOD'S SAKE THAT INVOLVES LOVING AND HONORING THY MOTHER...PART OF TEN COMMANDMENTS. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR BROTHER HAS NOT DONE, HE HAS TAKEN EXACTLY AFTER HIS FATHER AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ON THAT TRACK. SOMETIMES WE ARE FORCED TO FACE OBSTICALS AND TRIALS IN OUR LIVES AND FACED TO GROW UP. LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS HAVING FUN ALL THE TIME...BELIEVE ME, AS I COULD USE SOME IN MY LIFE....I AM FACING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS TOO, AT A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING OF RETIRING AND ENJOYING TAKING LITTLE TRIPS AND ENJOYING THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR OF WORKING FOR OVER 40 YEARS. LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY THAT YOU WILL HONOR ME AND ACCEPT ME AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND BE SUPPORTIVE......GOD BLESS YOU, MOM
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:
OK, FIRST OFF: you obviously took that email the wrong way.
I am ONLY trying to HONOR you. And if you cannot see that, maybe we both need to go to counseling together when I move up north. It would do us both good. And by no means is that a personal attack on you... Maybe it is me admitting that I care for you too much to ever want to have any anger or resentment toward you. This is a rough time and an outside point of view would help us both tremedously.
You called me the other night crying and upset. This upset me.... the fact that I had to hear you upset bothers me just as if the roles were reversed. So, I was trying to think of some other way of going about things... hence the saying, thinking outside the box. I was not trying to be selfish watsoever! In fact, it was completely the opposite. I was not thinking about myself nor was I even thinking about you. I was thinking about Bradford, my nephew. I was ONLY thinking about him! Not you, not Randy, Not even myself. My thoughts were these: 1.) It would have given you a break and let you rest. 2.) It would prevent Brad from going into foster care. 3.) It would have given you peace of mind knowing that he would have been well cared for. 4.) You wouldn't have to deal with a caretaker who is stealing from you.
I really wasn't trying to attack you and make you feel bad. I was just trying to figure out some alternatives. But thankfully, something came your way. No matter how bad it gets, how hard it is... eventually something good will come. Or at least SOMETHING will lessen.
And as for your personal attack on me about growing up in faith and being compassionate and caring. I believe I am. I try my hardest to live up to that. I am there when you need me. I've been there when Randy has needed me. I've tried. And I am still trying and will continue to. Why? Maybe you can figure out why.
And as for me turning into something like my father. It just isn't possible.... you know that and I know that. You need to get that thought out of your head before I can ever continue with anything... I will not take that, EVER. He was/is a selfish bastard who cares for no one... who can drop people in his life at a drop of a hat... who has hurt people so much, not just once... but over and over again. He is an alcoholic... a faithless person... a pediphile... a money hungry bastard (one of the reasons I have so little care for money)... how does this all sound? I'm sure you could come up with more... A lot more. I am not like that... and I refuse to be even considered in that same category.
I have learned so much in my life already. I am far from perfect.. I have a lot of self doubts... I'm overweight... I could apply myself much more than I do... I could educate myself much more... I could handle my money better... I could work more... I could practice more... I could go to church more... I could be more forgiving... I could be there for you more... the list goes on...
But there are a few things I know for sure...I am compassionate. I am caring. I do know how to LOVE. You have lead me in my faith so far, but it is my faith in God that keeps me here... Keeps me from running away from things and gives me the courage to deal with everything.
I do care about you and I do want you to be happy and get better and not have the pain that you do. And I am here to listen to you. I always have been and will continue to be. I am moving there in a short while so that I can ease some of the stress on you... so that I can help with that little boy... take him to the park and for walks... let him play in the dirt like all kids do... I want to see him laugh... I want to see you laugh... I can't tell you how long it has been since I've seen you happy and heard you laugh... and not be angry at me or angry at the world for having pain. Shit, if I were in your position I would say Fuck it too and not care. I really do want you to be happy. You know, I'm pretty well known for my laugh... people ALWAYS comment on that. I laugh because it relieves stress and it makes me happy... and maybe, just maybe we can get you to that point again. You just have to be able to get to a point where you can say, so what? You take much of everything to heart and there is nothing wrong with that. That is you. Just know that I am not trying to hurt you or make life difficult for you. I love you and I want to be there for you, just as you were for me. I am my own person just as you are. I have my own faults and should not be compared to anyone else, so please just love me for who I am.
Your daughter,
Jennifer
Ok... I feel much better now. My goal is to read this through again and again if I get upset... Then smile, because eventually there will be some light.
Eventually.
So here is a short(haha) email conversation between my mother and I!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:
I have a proposition. I am at my job as you know for a little more than a month. I can't be back and forth with this. So here is what I have come up with. If you continue to pay for his childcare, couldn't he be in childcare down here for a month? My boss at maries gave me sunday night off and said that he thought it would benefit me if I had the day off (I have monday off too). So here is my proposal:
I could fly up there Saturday. Spend the Sunday with you and get your groceries at get you situated. Then drive your car with Brad down here. I know you wouldn't like that idea but it is all I could come up with, without putting Brad in foster care. you need a break and need to worry about yourself and you KNOW I will take really good care of him. There is a daycare accross the street from the music dept. and it is very convenient. The only thing I would have to check on is Ang. Our apartment is small, but I could easily keep him busy with walks and going to the park...things he should be doing. i know you don't think this will work, but I do think it will. So call me and let me know your thoughts. As for dealing with his parents, we will figure something out. It is only a month. And you could use the rest without Brad around. I work at 4 today and probably until closing... so call me before or in the morning. I'm sure if you contacted Brad's lawyer and talked it over with him...tell him you are too sick and have alternative care for him for a short term, I'm sure he will follow through with this. He is looking for the best interest of the child and knowing that he is with a loving family member rather than in foster care would be still a better situation. ttyl I love ya.
Love,
Jenn
_____________________________________________________________________________________
She said:
AS FOR YOUR PROPOSITION
YOU ARE BEING SELFISH SOMETIMES AND ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS..WHAT ABOUT ME, I NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT MORE THAN ANYTHING NOW AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE... I AM VERY ILL AND NEED YOUR UNDERDTANDING NOW AND I TOLD YOU I JUST NEED YOUR MORAL SUPPORT AND CARING NOW, NOT SAYING YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND FORTH WITH THIS....DIDN'T I BRINGING YOU UP IN THE FAITH TO BE COMPATIONATE AND CARING,....AND FOR GOD'S SAKE THAT INVOLVES LOVING AND HONORING THY MOTHER...PART OF TEN COMMANDMENTS. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR BROTHER HAS NOT DONE, HE HAS TAKEN EXACTLY AFTER HIS FATHER AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ON THAT TRACK. SOMETIMES WE ARE FORCED TO FACE OBSTICALS AND TRIALS IN OUR LIVES AND FACED TO GROW UP. LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS HAVING FUN ALL THE TIME...BELIEVE ME, AS I COULD USE SOME IN MY LIFE....I AM FACING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS TOO, AT A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING OF RETIRING AND ENJOYING TAKING LITTLE TRIPS AND ENJOYING THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR OF WORKING FOR OVER 40 YEARS. LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY THAT YOU WILL HONOR ME AND ACCEPT ME AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND BE SUPPORTIVE......GOD BLESS YOU, MOM
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:
OK, FIRST OFF: you obviously took that email the wrong way.
I am ONLY trying to HONOR you. And if you cannot see that, maybe we both need to go to counseling together when I move up north. It would do us both good. And by no means is that a personal attack on you... Maybe it is me admitting that I care for you too much to ever want to have any anger or resentment toward you. This is a rough time and an outside point of view would help us both tremedously.
You called me the other night crying and upset. This upset me.... the fact that I had to hear you upset bothers me just as if the roles were reversed. So, I was trying to think of some other way of going about things... hence the saying, thinking outside the box. I was not trying to be selfish watsoever! In fact, it was completely the opposite. I was not thinking about myself nor was I even thinking about you. I was thinking about Bradford, my nephew. I was ONLY thinking about him! Not you, not Randy, Not even myself. My thoughts were these: 1.) It would have given you a break and let you rest. 2.) It would prevent Brad from going into foster care. 3.) It would have given you peace of mind knowing that he would have been well cared for. 4.) You wouldn't have to deal with a caretaker who is stealing from you.
I really wasn't trying to attack you and make you feel bad. I was just trying to figure out some alternatives. But thankfully, something came your way. No matter how bad it gets, how hard it is... eventually something good will come. Or at least SOMETHING will lessen.
And as for your personal attack on me about growing up in faith and being compassionate and caring. I believe I am. I try my hardest to live up to that. I am there when you need me. I've been there when Randy has needed me. I've tried. And I am still trying and will continue to. Why? Maybe you can figure out why.
And as for me turning into something like my father. It just isn't possible.... you know that and I know that. You need to get that thought out of your head before I can ever continue with anything... I will not take that, EVER. He was/is a selfish bastard who cares for no one... who can drop people in his life at a drop of a hat... who has hurt people so much, not just once... but over and over again. He is an alcoholic... a faithless person... a pediphile... a money hungry bastard (one of the reasons I have so little care for money)... how does this all sound? I'm sure you could come up with more... A lot more. I am not like that... and I refuse to be even considered in that same category.
I have learned so much in my life already. I am far from perfect.. I have a lot of self doubts... I'm overweight... I could apply myself much more than I do... I could educate myself much more... I could handle my money better... I could work more... I could practice more... I could go to church more... I could be more forgiving... I could be there for you more... the list goes on...
But there are a few things I know for sure...I am compassionate. I am caring. I do know how to LOVE. You have lead me in my faith so far, but it is my faith in God that keeps me here... Keeps me from running away from things and gives me the courage to deal with everything.
I do care about you and I do want you to be happy and get better and not have the pain that you do. And I am here to listen to you. I always have been and will continue to be. I am moving there in a short while so that I can ease some of the stress on you... so that I can help with that little boy... take him to the park and for walks... let him play in the dirt like all kids do... I want to see him laugh... I want to see you laugh... I can't tell you how long it has been since I've seen you happy and heard you laugh... and not be angry at me or angry at the world for having pain. Shit, if I were in your position I would say Fuck it too and not care. I really do want you to be happy. You know, I'm pretty well known for my laugh... people ALWAYS comment on that. I laugh because it relieves stress and it makes me happy... and maybe, just maybe we can get you to that point again. You just have to be able to get to a point where you can say, so what? You take much of everything to heart and there is nothing wrong with that. That is you. Just know that I am not trying to hurt you or make life difficult for you. I love you and I want to be there for you, just as you were for me. I am my own person just as you are. I have my own faults and should not be compared to anyone else, so please just love me for who I am.
Your daughter,
Jennifer
Ok... I feel much better now. My goal is to read this through again and again if I get upset... Then smile, because eventually there will be some light.
Eventually.
posted by Jenn & John at 1:39 PM
2 Comments:
Wow, that definitly made me tear up, sweetie you are such a wonderful person in every way, you are an everlasting friend of mine, and you know that I will always be there for you! Yes you do know how to love, love people and love life. You are only 24 years old and you need to make sure that you live the life you want to live. Don't ever let anyone tell you how to live your life! Be strong, be courages and LAUGH!!!! You are doing a great MITZVAH(good deed) for your family and that to me, is one of the most precious things in life. You will get through this and be able to live YOUR life, I am only a phone call away, and always will be.
love,
your other half, Lans
Jenn....
I am so sorry for your current family issues. They are eminently trying, and much more than you deserve. Try to see that your mother is only taking her frustration out on you; that though she shouldn't, it's understandable in her position. I know it doesn't ease your mind much.. but every little bit helps. A famous alien once said: "knoweledge is the first step towards wisdom." You have the knowledge that your mother doesn't mean any harm towards you.. that she is frurstrated.... try to take comfort in that.
You have my best wishes....
AS
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