Wednesday

This day hasn't been your typical Wednesday. I had a really nice conversation with my Aunt (mom's sister). My aunt was a merit scholar in her younger years and has lived an interesting life. She married my uncle at an early age and they traveled together in their younger years. They didn't have children until they had been married almost 10 years. She asked me how being "a mother" was going. I am far from a mother, but I am currently taking care of my 17month old nephew. My reply was simple.......I'm not going to be a mother for a very long time! It is a great responsibility and one that I certainly am not ready to get into. As she spoke about her life, she said that she and her husband have enjoyed their two children, but now that the baby is almost out of the house, they are rekindling what the use to have before they ever had children. They do more couple things, travel a little, and make time for each other. I realized at this point that I am similar to my aunt. I would like to live a little before having children, and I definately hope to have what she has with her husband down the line. However, I do want a career. I want to be successful and live up to my potential. Yet, I do want to be able to spend my time with that someone. I want to be an individual and independent. At the same time, I want to be able to share that with the people that are special in my life. Accomplishments mean absolutely nothing if you can't share them with others. Everything that I do may satisfy myself, but they don't mean a damn thing if you can't share them. When I get excited about something, the first person I usually tell is my Mom or my close friends. I guess that is the reason I am away from my home caring for my family at the moment. Your love for your family is unconditional, even when they are sick or just being a pain in the ass. I have my life, but what good would it be if I couldn't be there for the people that mean the most to me? I certainly didn't want to be here, but I know that I wouldn't be the person I am without these people. I guess I am just showing my gratitude by giving a little love, time and patience. Everything happens for a reason.

Watching someone you love become ill and change from the person you once knew is probably the most difficult thing to deal with. My Grandfather was a pretty good guy. He was laid back and always did what my grandma("Momma") said. I can still hear him chuckle while he would sneak cookies out of the kitchen, "oh it's good for you" he would say. But seeing cancer take him away from the person he was, was in fact the most difficult thing for me. He didn't recogize me when I visited him. His death was difficult too, but knowing there was no more suffering somehow eased the pain of his loss. My Mom use to run around like a chicken with her head cut off. I swear, the woman would never sit down. She was an ER nurse for many years and supervized the nursing staff for years. Now she can't take care of herself. This isn't suppose to happen now. I'm only 23 and she is 55. Fuck, even my grandma is still living a great life. I'm a fairly religious catholic and yet I cannot say one prayer...I can't even think it. I am able to ask others to pray, but I can't....I can't seem to say the words and I don't know why. I show absolutely no emotion when I visit the hospital and I kept wondering why today. I must have sat there for 3 hours, giving only simple answers and nodding. What will come?