What a tiring week! I've accomplished so much, spent quite a bit of time with family with about 30 minutes to myself. First off, I had to go to court on Monday with my family. My Mom is fighting for custody of my adorable nephew. My brother has finally come around. Admitting that he has an alcohol problem, he now attends AA and calls me often. It is nice to be able to carry on a conversation and just hang out with my brother. Alcoholism carries a hefty weight with me. Growing up with an alcoholic father, I learned about all of the symptoms and problems with alcohol. Not to mention, I am more prone to becoming an alcoholic because my father was an alcoholic before I was born. So, finding out my brother has become an alcoholic was a surprise, yet not a surprise. I'm glad he is realizing his mistakes now, rather than when his child is grown.
Court went well. My mother has full custody of the baby....no question. Although, her health is very very bad. It is a relief to know that my brother will be able to take his son if something happens to my mom....which seems like it is only a matter of time. This past week has been physically and emotionally draining for me. I about lost it on the airplane....but I held it together pretty well until I got in the car with my bestfriend who spoke about her recent uncles death....then it just hit me like a rock.
I am not proud of the way I acted when I went home. I fought with my mother several times. I've never....never gotten so angry with anyone. I mean, I've gotten pretty angry before....but never so angry that I could have just walked away and washed my hands of the situation. I spent most of my time working on projects that needed to be done in my mothers house...things she couldn't do for herself. I painted my nephew's room....painted it white first and then part of it blue. I took my mom every place, whether it be the doctor or the store. I even went out a few times with just my nephew so I could let her rest. I rearranged furniture, cleaned and washed clothes. I didn't even have time to visit my old viola teacher which I wanted so badly to do. But it was necessary to stay at home. Then the big fight happened. It was about 2 hours before I was to leave for the airport home. I was going to finish with my nephew's room...move the furniture arond and put the border up on the wall. The glue for the border ended up being crap and so I couldn't get it put up. Then my mother got angry and said that I always wait until the last minute to do things. This not being true at ALL!! I had worked for days, cared for my nephew and tried to do only the best that I could do....and this is how she treated me! She tells me that I'm basically a lazy shit and that I never get anything done. I was like, excuse me? And that was it....I said many things I shouldn't have. But I couldn't help it....she had no right to treat me that way and I had to make her understand that I was doing my best. I don't think I will ever know if she understood me.
Now the most difficult part of all of this is I don't think I am going to have my Mom around for much longer. It has been the most difficult thing in my life to realize. She is in constant pain which even the strongest pain killers don't even touch. Her heart is enlarged and she has been having trouble with her breathing lately. Maybe I just reacted the way I did because i only care so much. It hurts to see someone you really love suffer so much and say that they wish they were dead sometimes.
When I was young I would imagine what my family would be like. I wondered what the holidays would be like.....you know, you see all of those happy movies where the three generations get together and have a good time. I couldn't help but think about when I might just have children and they could visit their grandparents. Well, my father is not around and my mother doesn't appear to be doing well. Then I think I thought about it.....my children probably won't be able to have these memories....the memories I cherished as a young child. Some of my most vivid memories are of my grandparents and my mom...and when I was really young, I could remember holidays with my entire family.
This weeks has been one of the greatest times though. I spent an great deal of time with that adorable nephew of mine. He makes me laugh so hard. You tell him "no" and he thinks it means yes. So he is always doing something bad...then he looks at you and laughs....which of course makes you want to laugh but you have to keep a straight face. I was able to spend some quality time with my brother. We talked about what bothered me about him, the goals he has and just life in general. I have a new confidence in him that he will get his life in order and create the life he has always wanted to have for himself.
I've learned that you have to give 100% of yourself and expect nothing in return. You will never be disappointed and it can only bring you joy.
Court went well. My mother has full custody of the baby....no question. Although, her health is very very bad. It is a relief to know that my brother will be able to take his son if something happens to my mom....which seems like it is only a matter of time. This past week has been physically and emotionally draining for me. I about lost it on the airplane....but I held it together pretty well until I got in the car with my bestfriend who spoke about her recent uncles death....then it just hit me like a rock.
I am not proud of the way I acted when I went home. I fought with my mother several times. I've never....never gotten so angry with anyone. I mean, I've gotten pretty angry before....but never so angry that I could have just walked away and washed my hands of the situation. I spent most of my time working on projects that needed to be done in my mothers house...things she couldn't do for herself. I painted my nephew's room....painted it white first and then part of it blue. I took my mom every place, whether it be the doctor or the store. I even went out a few times with just my nephew so I could let her rest. I rearranged furniture, cleaned and washed clothes. I didn't even have time to visit my old viola teacher which I wanted so badly to do. But it was necessary to stay at home. Then the big fight happened. It was about 2 hours before I was to leave for the airport home. I was going to finish with my nephew's room...move the furniture arond and put the border up on the wall. The glue for the border ended up being crap and so I couldn't get it put up. Then my mother got angry and said that I always wait until the last minute to do things. This not being true at ALL!! I had worked for days, cared for my nephew and tried to do only the best that I could do....and this is how she treated me! She tells me that I'm basically a lazy shit and that I never get anything done. I was like, excuse me? And that was it....I said many things I shouldn't have. But I couldn't help it....she had no right to treat me that way and I had to make her understand that I was doing my best. I don't think I will ever know if she understood me.
Now the most difficult part of all of this is I don't think I am going to have my Mom around for much longer. It has been the most difficult thing in my life to realize. She is in constant pain which even the strongest pain killers don't even touch. Her heart is enlarged and she has been having trouble with her breathing lately. Maybe I just reacted the way I did because i only care so much. It hurts to see someone you really love suffer so much and say that they wish they were dead sometimes.
When I was young I would imagine what my family would be like. I wondered what the holidays would be like.....you know, you see all of those happy movies where the three generations get together and have a good time. I couldn't help but think about when I might just have children and they could visit their grandparents. Well, my father is not around and my mother doesn't appear to be doing well. Then I think I thought about it.....my children probably won't be able to have these memories....the memories I cherished as a young child. Some of my most vivid memories are of my grandparents and my mom...and when I was really young, I could remember holidays with my entire family.
This weeks has been one of the greatest times though. I spent an great deal of time with that adorable nephew of mine. He makes me laugh so hard. You tell him "no" and he thinks it means yes. So he is always doing something bad...then he looks at you and laughs....which of course makes you want to laugh but you have to keep a straight face. I was able to spend some quality time with my brother. We talked about what bothered me about him, the goals he has and just life in general. I have a new confidence in him that he will get his life in order and create the life he has always wanted to have for himself.
I've learned that you have to give 100% of yourself and expect nothing in return. You will never be disappointed and it can only bring you joy.
posted by Jenn & John at 2:08 AM
1 Comments:
My heart goes out to you....
AS
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