My Mom
Words cannot describe the experience I went through today/tonight. I blogged earlier... complaining about how my mother was too much to handle. Now I'm just grateful for her. I've cried more than I know... I'm stronger than I ever thought...
Today was a strange day. For some reason I became more spiritual, or at least, more than usual. And as I said before, my mother was calling me like you cannot believe... the phone was literally ringing off the hook all day. She was upset and just wanted me to be there. Her wanting me to be there was no different from any other day. And I was determined to get the stuff I had planned done today. I told her flat out yesterday that I couldn't be there until later and that I would bring the baby by in the later part of the afternoon to see her. Well, she pestered me so much and finally I just gave in and told her I would be there shortly. I arrived with her list of items (which she always has for me), and found her in a new room. She could not catch her breath and no position was comfortable. I tried everything to make her feel comfortable. Luckily, a former student which she trained was her CNA... how great is that? He was there at her every beckon. I could tell he really cared. I told him that she just wasn't herself. My mother kept telling me over and over again that they turned her oxygen tank up way too high on the transfer over to the new room. She said that that could cause too much CO2 to enter into the system and that could cause her heart to stop. So we moved her in bed and she kept telling me that she was afraid to go to sleep. She said she needed someone there with her to watch her. She was worried that if she slept, she would not wake. I of course assured her that she was ok. Due to the later part of the day, I had to arrange to have the baby picked up, so I called around, found a babysitter and arranged for her friend Cindy to come and sit with her for the half hour I was gone.
Cindy walked in about a quarter to five. My mom is sitting in her bed taking a breathing treatment going in and out...kinda dozing. Cindy borrows my phone to tell someone else to come over and I go up to my mom telling her I would be back shortly. No sooner than I said that, she stopped breathing. I shook her and yelled for a nurse. No one came. I had to go out into the fucking hall and scream to them to get the goddamn asses in there because she wasn't breathing. Finally they realized and I just stood back. Without realizing I just started to pray out loud... really loud. I don't even remember how many times I chanted it, but I just kept praying. I prayed for her because she couldn't. Watching her take that last breath made something inside me flip... I wasn't thinking so clear and telling them what she had told me. Then out of the blue, this guy comes in... btw, we didn't have a doctor present, only nurses. This guy walks in... he's just some guy passing by and he runs in and asks if he can help. He was a doctor, but not for the convelscent home. He then asks me if he can resusitate and I had to say yes. Then the paramedics arrived and asked questions. I quickly blurted out what my mother had told me about the oxygen... she has a condition that already keeps CO2 in her body, and that excess amount would definately make her heart stop... that is exactly what it did. So I told them what went on and that she had that condition...that she knew she had been given too much and she felt faint ever since. It's like my mother knew. She wanted me to "watch" her to make sure she wouldn't stop breathing... she knew what was going to happen. She diagnosed herself. I yelled out to her telling her to be strong and that I loved her. I told her to fight because she's too stubborn to just let go like that... that was too easy for her and she knew it. The paramedics probably thought I was crazy. But I think I helped her. I believe she knew and that is why she fought so hard to have me there. As I sat in the room 6 minutes or more... I don't remember how long had passed, but I knew it was a lot of time... too much time with no oxygen. So I sat there on the bed no giving up. I kept telling my friend Cindy that she was too damn stubborn to give up that easy on me. They intubated (sp?) her. They put her in the ambulance and I was driven by our friend to the ER. We were ahead of the ambulance. THEN this fucker wouldn't pull over for the ambulance behind us. I couldn't believe it!!! The motherfucking asshole was gonna block the ambulance and go around us. Can you believe that prick? Well, God forgive me, but I cussed that motherfucker out flipped him off at least 4 times and when the ambulance passed us by and we sped after it, I think he realized he was an asshole... he didn't start driving for a while. ASSHOLE... hey, it felt good to get some emotion out.
My mom's heart stopped twice and she is now breathing with a machine. She looks horrible. But she is very aware. She was spelling things out on my hand and knew exactly what the ER doctors were saying. I told her that I said many Hail Marys for her and I'm not about to just give up. I made her laugh inside a little when I told my story about giving someone the bird and how her student was there for her at all times. Her body ended up going into shock from the infection she had going on. Also, she had too much CO2 which slowed her heart and basically stopped it. The physician then came in and I gave him hell for releasing her from the hospital KNOWING that she had a high white blood cell cound which says "INFECTION." They didn't even look at her when the released her. Malpractice? Then better get on it. Thank the heavens that I know a thirasic/cardiologist specialist. I asked my brother to check into that. Maybe we can finally do something. Obviously, she doesn't want to go yet and she is fighting hard.
As I sat there in that room when she wasn't breathing and her color turned to ash gray, I actually let her go.... if this was her time, then there is nothing I can do about it. I made peace with God and said, if it is her time, then I cannot fight it. But I think there is something unfinished for her yet... she's not ready, otherwise she wouldn't be alert and knowing what was going on. I KNOW she wants to live... I could see it in her eyes. lol, she's too stubborn to just let go that easily. I held her hand and just laughed a little to myself. God sure has a sense of humor sometimes. Her and her damn lists... lol
I had never been in CICU before. The nurse was very sharp and she was there the minute something beeped. This whole day felt like a fucking movie. AND I absolutely hate hospitals... they make me jumpy. Here I was sitting in the ER. I laughed and told my Mom that she sure knows how to cause trouble... and that she had to stick with us because she had a goodlooking male nurse. LOL
It hurts to see her like that. Tubes every where. She's not breathing on her own. I only hope and pray that she can have some rest. That she knows she is loved. That she knows that I am here for her... because I guess when it comes down to it, love is the tie that binds. It is what makes you do the things you do. Love conquers all... even the ill. I guess that is why I'm also a hopeless romantic. Love is love. There is nothing greater. So... Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy. For it is in giving that we receive.
The more I think about it, I truly value love. Being able to love.
It's been a long journey, and it's going to be even longer. But I'm here.
Today was a strange day. For some reason I became more spiritual, or at least, more than usual. And as I said before, my mother was calling me like you cannot believe... the phone was literally ringing off the hook all day. She was upset and just wanted me to be there. Her wanting me to be there was no different from any other day. And I was determined to get the stuff I had planned done today. I told her flat out yesterday that I couldn't be there until later and that I would bring the baby by in the later part of the afternoon to see her. Well, she pestered me so much and finally I just gave in and told her I would be there shortly. I arrived with her list of items (which she always has for me), and found her in a new room. She could not catch her breath and no position was comfortable. I tried everything to make her feel comfortable. Luckily, a former student which she trained was her CNA... how great is that? He was there at her every beckon. I could tell he really cared. I told him that she just wasn't herself. My mother kept telling me over and over again that they turned her oxygen tank up way too high on the transfer over to the new room. She said that that could cause too much CO2 to enter into the system and that could cause her heart to stop. So we moved her in bed and she kept telling me that she was afraid to go to sleep. She said she needed someone there with her to watch her. She was worried that if she slept, she would not wake. I of course assured her that she was ok. Due to the later part of the day, I had to arrange to have the baby picked up, so I called around, found a babysitter and arranged for her friend Cindy to come and sit with her for the half hour I was gone.
Cindy walked in about a quarter to five. My mom is sitting in her bed taking a breathing treatment going in and out...kinda dozing. Cindy borrows my phone to tell someone else to come over and I go up to my mom telling her I would be back shortly. No sooner than I said that, she stopped breathing. I shook her and yelled for a nurse. No one came. I had to go out into the fucking hall and scream to them to get the goddamn asses in there because she wasn't breathing. Finally they realized and I just stood back. Without realizing I just started to pray out loud... really loud. I don't even remember how many times I chanted it, but I just kept praying. I prayed for her because she couldn't. Watching her take that last breath made something inside me flip... I wasn't thinking so clear and telling them what she had told me. Then out of the blue, this guy comes in... btw, we didn't have a doctor present, only nurses. This guy walks in... he's just some guy passing by and he runs in and asks if he can help. He was a doctor, but not for the convelscent home. He then asks me if he can resusitate and I had to say yes. Then the paramedics arrived and asked questions. I quickly blurted out what my mother had told me about the oxygen... she has a condition that already keeps CO2 in her body, and that excess amount would definately make her heart stop... that is exactly what it did. So I told them what went on and that she had that condition...that she knew she had been given too much and she felt faint ever since. It's like my mother knew. She wanted me to "watch" her to make sure she wouldn't stop breathing... she knew what was going to happen. She diagnosed herself. I yelled out to her telling her to be strong and that I loved her. I told her to fight because she's too stubborn to just let go like that... that was too easy for her and she knew it. The paramedics probably thought I was crazy. But I think I helped her. I believe she knew and that is why she fought so hard to have me there. As I sat in the room 6 minutes or more... I don't remember how long had passed, but I knew it was a lot of time... too much time with no oxygen. So I sat there on the bed no giving up. I kept telling my friend Cindy that she was too damn stubborn to give up that easy on me. They intubated (sp?) her. They put her in the ambulance and I was driven by our friend to the ER. We were ahead of the ambulance. THEN this fucker wouldn't pull over for the ambulance behind us. I couldn't believe it!!! The motherfucking asshole was gonna block the ambulance and go around us. Can you believe that prick? Well, God forgive me, but I cussed that motherfucker out flipped him off at least 4 times and when the ambulance passed us by and we sped after it, I think he realized he was an asshole... he didn't start driving for a while. ASSHOLE... hey, it felt good to get some emotion out.
My mom's heart stopped twice and she is now breathing with a machine. She looks horrible. But she is very aware. She was spelling things out on my hand and knew exactly what the ER doctors were saying. I told her that I said many Hail Marys for her and I'm not about to just give up. I made her laugh inside a little when I told my story about giving someone the bird and how her student was there for her at all times. Her body ended up going into shock from the infection she had going on. Also, she had too much CO2 which slowed her heart and basically stopped it. The physician then came in and I gave him hell for releasing her from the hospital KNOWING that she had a high white blood cell cound which says "INFECTION." They didn't even look at her when the released her. Malpractice? Then better get on it. Thank the heavens that I know a thirasic/cardiologist specialist. I asked my brother to check into that. Maybe we can finally do something. Obviously, she doesn't want to go yet and she is fighting hard.
As I sat there in that room when she wasn't breathing and her color turned to ash gray, I actually let her go.... if this was her time, then there is nothing I can do about it. I made peace with God and said, if it is her time, then I cannot fight it. But I think there is something unfinished for her yet... she's not ready, otherwise she wouldn't be alert and knowing what was going on. I KNOW she wants to live... I could see it in her eyes. lol, she's too stubborn to just let go that easily. I held her hand and just laughed a little to myself. God sure has a sense of humor sometimes. Her and her damn lists... lol
I had never been in CICU before. The nurse was very sharp and she was there the minute something beeped. This whole day felt like a fucking movie. AND I absolutely hate hospitals... they make me jumpy. Here I was sitting in the ER. I laughed and told my Mom that she sure knows how to cause trouble... and that she had to stick with us because she had a goodlooking male nurse. LOL
It hurts to see her like that. Tubes every where. She's not breathing on her own. I only hope and pray that she can have some rest. That she knows she is loved. That she knows that I am here for her... because I guess when it comes down to it, love is the tie that binds. It is what makes you do the things you do. Love conquers all... even the ill. I guess that is why I'm also a hopeless romantic. Love is love. There is nothing greater. So... Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy. For it is in giving that we receive.
The more I think about it, I truly value love. Being able to love.
It's been a long journey, and it's going to be even longer. But I'm here.
posted by Jenn & John at 2:43 AM
1 Comments:
I'm speechless...
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