Job prospects

I've been doing some research on some jobs in Northern California. There are quite a few jobs that interest me to my surprise. The only problem is I've gotta beef up the resume and gain some confidence. It just feels strange not working. I've always had a job...ever since I was 17. Now I am out of work and I feel like a bum. It drives me crazy that I cannot pay for the things that were once easily covered with the security of my job. Instead I'm facing the fact that I might have to use up what is left of my savings. It really sucks not having money. And I'm not talkig about that part time job shit. I mean real security. Something that pays for your bills and gives you that financial stability.

I guess I'm tired of answering to people. I give and I give and I give until everyone steps on me. I'm finally fed up. I've made the decision that I'm only going to be here for a few more months. I cannot deal with other people's shit anymore, even if they are family. I've got my own problems to worry about... I'm 24 and should be having fun. I should be dating. I should be worrying about MY future and how I can support myself, have a career that I love... and I should be enjoying the fruits of my labor. I shouldn't be caring for other people's children and supporting them on what little money I have. I shouldn't have every hour of my life supervised by a very ill, convelescent home patient. I shouldn't feel the need to entertain someone because they can't entertain themselves. I'm very irritated... maybe because I received 8 phone calls in 4 hours... maybe it is because all this bullshit of a mind game is catching up to me. I'm fed up. I go to church now because I know I can get away and turn off the phone. It is a place where I have peace from EVERYTHING in this world. Father asked us at Mass what we value. I've thought about it... most would say God, Family, then career. I value honesty. And the fact that I cannot be honest with people because they chose not to let me pisses me off. People are so closed minded that it hurts everyone around them. It's kinda funny to think about... my mother raised me to be a caring, honest and trustworthy person. How can I be those things if these people don't allow me to be?

My grandfather was named after St. Francis of Assisi. He was a good man. He worked hard his entire life and dealt with a lot of bullshit too. He was a spiritual man always giving. He was there for the family. He was loving. And when he died of cancer a few years ago, it brought the family a little bit closer. He finally began to speak up for himself because he never did that before. He was always the behind the scene guy... never saying peep. I think of him often. Maybe because I know how much he had to deal with and go through for this family. Maybe because I don't want to be that behind the scene girl... the one who never speaks up and gets stomped on. I want to have peace. Peace within myself. Peace for this fucked up family. However, I cannot do it all. I can only strive for peace within myself.

In memory of my grandfather, I carry around a spiritual card of St. Francis. On the back, there is a prayer for peace. I believe it helps me to be a better person. It reads:

Prayer for Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light,
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that i may not so much
seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to enternal life.


I have done these things. But now I just want peace. I value peace. Peace of mind for my family and myself. Peace of heart for my past, because I'm still trying to let go to this day. As a wise woman says, "And this too, shall pass."