Stepping Out
What am I doing with my life?
This is the question I ponder almost every day. My entire life, almost 25 years of it, I have thought of myself as a determined, selfsuficient, honest, hard working, caring individual. I have confidence in the things I do. I have confidence in who I am. This entire past year, I have questioned my existance, my career goals, and pretty much everything that I have worked very hard to get.
The past 10 months have been extremely difficult. I have been stripped of many things I consider precious: music, friends, a job, my indepedence.
So what is left in this world for me?
Many things. First, I would like to finish my life long goal which is to get a master's degree and doctorate. When I finished up with my Bachelors, I was burnt out. I worked my ass off to get to that point. I worked hard and played hard. This lifetime goal seemed so far out of my reach with my debt and many more years to go.
I had always thought that I wouldn't work when I got my master's degree. I would take out a loan, and work my ass of at my viola. Now I've awaken from my slumber. The reality of it all hit. There is no possible way I'm going to be able to pay my bills, maintain a car, support a quality of life I would enjoy and go to school with just a loan. Sure it would be easier if I had wealthy parents who wanted to help out. But that's not how the cookie crumbles in this instance. The reality is, I am going to have to hold down a full time job, be able to practice and go to school. What kind of life will I have? A very busy one.
I've given a year of my life to helping people. I have given as much as I could, without crumbling myself. However, I am at the crossroads. I could stay and continue as I have and go farther and farther into a depression or I could step out and do something.
I'm stepping out.
I've had enough! Where do I start? I have a dependent/controlling/handicapped mother who refuses to help herself get better, a pediphile father who proved himself guilty by disappearing 9 years ago, a 13 year old sister who eats to comfort her possible feelings of abandonment (by like 4 important people in her life), a 20 year old sister who uses drugs, a 26 year old brother who doesn't seem to want his son, and what seems like a paranoid schezophrenic/drug using? ex-stepmother who lives with a hells angel.
Now I didn't say that these people were horrible people. They aren't... well, with the exception of my father. They are my family. I just don't want their bullshit anymore. I cannot tell them how to live or what to do, but that doesn't mean that I can be taken advantage of because it is convenient for them. This doesn't mean that I don't love them, it just states that I want what is rightiously mine.
Truth be told, I have a plan and one that will seemingly work out fantastically well. It would give me what I want, put me where I want to be, and give me back the confidence I need to succeed. A plan that WILL make me successful...
Tell me again that someone's better than me, more successful that me, is better looking that me, has more money, and the list could go on forever. Call me stupid or tell me that I am a whore (and yes this has actually happened in the recent weeks). I don't give a rats hairy ass. It only tells me this: my insecurities are not as great. The truth in the matter is, if you must resort to saying these things or compare me to what YOU think is great, then I don't need you because you don't see me.
Now the world knows my life story.
On another note, don't you just hate that new Double-Mint Mints commercial? Two unlikely people together walking and singing a gay ass song. Do you know what I really dislike the most about this commercial? It is so damn catchy! I catch myself singing it all of the time. Damn them!
I want to take up golf. It sounds like such a relaxing sport. I've always wanted to drive that damn golf cart. ok, I'll admit it. I'd take up golf just to drive that damn cart. lol Yes, I am retarded.
I'm announcing to all that I have given up fast food for lent. Although, I haven't had too much trouble turning it down lately so it isn't really much of a stretch for me.
This is the question I ponder almost every day. My entire life, almost 25 years of it, I have thought of myself as a determined, selfsuficient, honest, hard working, caring individual. I have confidence in the things I do. I have confidence in who I am. This entire past year, I have questioned my existance, my career goals, and pretty much everything that I have worked very hard to get.
The past 10 months have been extremely difficult. I have been stripped of many things I consider precious: music, friends, a job, my indepedence.
So what is left in this world for me?
Many things. First, I would like to finish my life long goal which is to get a master's degree and doctorate. When I finished up with my Bachelors, I was burnt out. I worked my ass off to get to that point. I worked hard and played hard. This lifetime goal seemed so far out of my reach with my debt and many more years to go.
I had always thought that I wouldn't work when I got my master's degree. I would take out a loan, and work my ass of at my viola. Now I've awaken from my slumber. The reality of it all hit. There is no possible way I'm going to be able to pay my bills, maintain a car, support a quality of life I would enjoy and go to school with just a loan. Sure it would be easier if I had wealthy parents who wanted to help out. But that's not how the cookie crumbles in this instance. The reality is, I am going to have to hold down a full time job, be able to practice and go to school. What kind of life will I have? A very busy one.
I've given a year of my life to helping people. I have given as much as I could, without crumbling myself. However, I am at the crossroads. I could stay and continue as I have and go farther and farther into a depression or I could step out and do something.
I'm stepping out.
I've had enough! Where do I start? I have a dependent/controlling/handicapped mother who refuses to help herself get better, a pediphile father who proved himself guilty by disappearing 9 years ago, a 13 year old sister who eats to comfort her possible feelings of abandonment (by like 4 important people in her life), a 20 year old sister who uses drugs, a 26 year old brother who doesn't seem to want his son, and what seems like a paranoid schezophrenic/drug using? ex-stepmother who lives with a hells angel.
Now I didn't say that these people were horrible people. They aren't... well, with the exception of my father. They are my family. I just don't want their bullshit anymore. I cannot tell them how to live or what to do, but that doesn't mean that I can be taken advantage of because it is convenient for them. This doesn't mean that I don't love them, it just states that I want what is rightiously mine.
Truth be told, I have a plan and one that will seemingly work out fantastically well. It would give me what I want, put me where I want to be, and give me back the confidence I need to succeed. A plan that WILL make me successful...
Tell me again that someone's better than me, more successful that me, is better looking that me, has more money, and the list could go on forever. Call me stupid or tell me that I am a whore (and yes this has actually happened in the recent weeks). I don't give a rats hairy ass. It only tells me this: my insecurities are not as great. The truth in the matter is, if you must resort to saying these things or compare me to what YOU think is great, then I don't need you because you don't see me.
Now the world knows my life story.
On another note, don't you just hate that new Double-Mint Mints commercial? Two unlikely people together walking and singing a gay ass song. Do you know what I really dislike the most about this commercial? It is so damn catchy! I catch myself singing it all of the time. Damn them!
I want to take up golf. It sounds like such a relaxing sport. I've always wanted to drive that damn golf cart. ok, I'll admit it. I'd take up golf just to drive that damn cart. lol Yes, I am retarded.
I'm announcing to all that I have given up fast food for lent. Although, I haven't had too much trouble turning it down lately so it isn't really much of a stretch for me.
posted by Jenn & John at 8:41 PM
2 Comments:
I've always thought, that sometimes in life, you have to be thrown into the fire... and god knows how you'll come out... but that when you do.. after your huge trials are over/accomplished... that you learn things...
I'm sure the last ten months have been a 'fire' for you... a fire that has given you great perspective about yourself... and what life is really about it... I've always known you would crawl out of the fire, and better for it....... and I look forward to seeing you take your life back with authority!!
AS
BTW... two more things...
1: Yes, you might have a 'harder' life than a rich kid that has supporting parents... but, (and I can speak from experience of being on both sides of that equation throughout my college years...) the person that has to work harder, and DOES work harder to reach their goals will get WAY farther than the person who has shit handed down to them. Why is that? Because they WANT it more.. and can better visualize this goal of their's. They have a better pre-determined idea of what they want and how to go about getting it.. and that is stronger than any hand me downs from parents (and also therefore, a lack of AMBITION!!!)
2. The Wrigley's Double Mind Commercial is a GREAT fucking commercial, and does it's job amazingly. The reason it's a good commercial is because it's done a good job of getting into your mind!! Remember those dumb Mentos commercials.. they were so dumb.. but I can still quote some of the lyrics... "Nothings Fresher, full of life!" Idiotic, yes.. but good advertising and jingle writing, for DAMN SURE!!
AS
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