ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
Today was a breaking point for me. It seems to me that everything was taken from me and all at once. I have no place to call my own anymore, I was taken away from the music scene I so enjoyed, my life consists of making everyone else happy, and I sit back and wait for everyone else to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. Where does this all lead me? It leads me to a place that feels like pergatory on earth. I want to run far away, yet I am too loyal. How many times have I thought about just leaving... taking my nephew to my brother and just say, here ya go!!!... Hey, thats what happened to me, so why not? I love him more than anything, so I guess that is why I chose not to do that. I don't want him to feel abandoned by me.... but he should not be with me. I feel like a coin being tossed around. This is a sickness... not only is my mother sick, but I am becoming part of the sickness by feeding into the situation. It is not healthy for me anymore.
I had to walk away. She is so sick, physically and mentally that she will never get better. I can't go to her because she gets upset with me for not bringing her material things. This is her way of thinking I love her.... that I chose to bring her the list of items that she requests. I cannot go and just sit with her and make her laugh, or watch tv and talk about the current affairs. There have been many times when I just want to lay next to her and watch tv. But I could never think of that... she is no longer that way. That is not love. Love are the journals and food I bring her.
My chest hurts... I always get this way after I being upset.
I'm so angry. I deserve to be respected. A parent should never make their children feel guilty for wanting to live their own lives. They should never be made to feel guilty for what was given to them in their childhood either. A parent choses to have a child, so it is their responsibility for the upbringing of this child in every shape and form. The child shouldn't go into life feeling guilty for the things their parents could or could not give to them. A parent should want what is best for their child and wish them well in whatever they decide to do. This is not the case with my family.
My father, who I have nothing to do with, heard that I am taking care of my nephew and mother. He has a guilty conscience for what he has done with his life, so he wants to give me money. He wants to feel like he helped out and maybe lessen his guilt. Many of my friends and family think I should take the money. And I've told them many a time, it is so much more than just taking that money. It is letting him into my life. He wants to be able to talk to me... so he says, if I talk to him, he will give me money. Now I screen my calls. I will not take his monitary gift. And screw all my friends and family for telling me to do so. It is the priniciple behind the matter. I have too much respect for myself to let him do that to me. I guess that is why I'm so damn stubborn.
So, rather than sitting there and taking it up the asshole today, I chose to be happy. I don't want to be told how much I am doing wrong every day of my life. I don't want to feel like I am living my life for someone else. I don't want to be taken advantage of... not anymore. Today something in me changed... and I walked away. No more. I have chosen my own sanity. I don't want to see a shrink for the rest of life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to have this constant everyday drama.
Dating... what the hell is that all about? Well lately, I have gotten into the dating situation. I met this incredibly nice guy from church. He is sweet, caring, honest, goodlooking, fun.... but its not right. Everything about him screams STOCKTON.... and I am NOT going to settle. I don't want to be here. I want to travel and play. This dating shit is for the birds. Meeting new friends? Thats awesome, but I can't handle dating. I've only "dated" a couple times before and its just NOT for me. Que sera, sera.
For now, I am making my own arrangements. It will pain me to not go visit my mom every day, but I have faith that things will work out for the better.
Que sera, sera.
I had to walk away. She is so sick, physically and mentally that she will never get better. I can't go to her because she gets upset with me for not bringing her material things. This is her way of thinking I love her.... that I chose to bring her the list of items that she requests. I cannot go and just sit with her and make her laugh, or watch tv and talk about the current affairs. There have been many times when I just want to lay next to her and watch tv. But I could never think of that... she is no longer that way. That is not love. Love are the journals and food I bring her.
My chest hurts... I always get this way after I being upset.
I'm so angry. I deserve to be respected. A parent should never make their children feel guilty for wanting to live their own lives. They should never be made to feel guilty for what was given to them in their childhood either. A parent choses to have a child, so it is their responsibility for the upbringing of this child in every shape and form. The child shouldn't go into life feeling guilty for the things their parents could or could not give to them. A parent should want what is best for their child and wish them well in whatever they decide to do. This is not the case with my family.
My father, who I have nothing to do with, heard that I am taking care of my nephew and mother. He has a guilty conscience for what he has done with his life, so he wants to give me money. He wants to feel like he helped out and maybe lessen his guilt. Many of my friends and family think I should take the money. And I've told them many a time, it is so much more than just taking that money. It is letting him into my life. He wants to be able to talk to me... so he says, if I talk to him, he will give me money. Now I screen my calls. I will not take his monitary gift. And screw all my friends and family for telling me to do so. It is the priniciple behind the matter. I have too much respect for myself to let him do that to me. I guess that is why I'm so damn stubborn.
So, rather than sitting there and taking it up the asshole today, I chose to be happy. I don't want to be told how much I am doing wrong every day of my life. I don't want to feel like I am living my life for someone else. I don't want to be taken advantage of... not anymore. Today something in me changed... and I walked away. No more. I have chosen my own sanity. I don't want to see a shrink for the rest of life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to have this constant everyday drama.
Dating... what the hell is that all about? Well lately, I have gotten into the dating situation. I met this incredibly nice guy from church. He is sweet, caring, honest, goodlooking, fun.... but its not right. Everything about him screams STOCKTON.... and I am NOT going to settle. I don't want to be here. I want to travel and play. This dating shit is for the birds. Meeting new friends? Thats awesome, but I can't handle dating. I've only "dated" a couple times before and its just NOT for me. Que sera, sera.
For now, I am making my own arrangements. It will pain me to not go visit my mom every day, but I have faith that things will work out for the better.
Que sera, sera.
posted by Jenn & John at 6:45 PM
1 Comments:
I don't know why some guys have a tendency to do the wrong things for the longest time and then hint at little bits of integrity much later on. So much later in fact that even if they come to terms it is whole heartidly too late.
I don't offer people advice simply because I don't like to receive any, but you have to start living for you now before you wind up living for everyone else. There is no doubt that destiny will pull you away from a shining path once in a while, so you don't need demons of your past or present doing so as well.
Best wishes.
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