Vla Vla Vla

2008-12-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

"Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." (Luke 6:35)

Blue Eyes

2008-10-15T19:20:00.002-04:00

Washing my hands, I looked at myself in the face. It seems so odd that things have changed so much. I feel older and I see more wrinkles near my eyes. I looked into my allergie ridden eyes and I could have sworn I was looking into my mother's eyes. It brought back memories of the last time I looked into her eyes. I recall asking Johnathan, "Did you look at her eyes?" She laid there still as can be. Her eyes were fixated already. So honest and blue. I was thinking, remember this... you will not look at those eyes again.

Here kitty kitty...

2008-10-08T11:28:00.004-04:00

Sylvester, meow once if you would like to cast your vote for the democratic candidate...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animals_as_electoral_candidates

Oh, Mom...

2008-09-28T03:35:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe that I have gone two months without hearing your voice. I hurt so much. My heart breaks every time I think of it. I'm so angry.... angry at the family. Partly because only one of your cousins came to your funeral. How that hurt me...

My own sisters didn't show their faces to me. After the way I always treated them. I supported them, took their side.. and this is how they treat me? By disrespecting me. My mom died for goodness sake, can't pick up a fucking phone? Wait... I did get a text. Sorry I didn't call you back... were you too tired? I gave you food when you were starving your dog. I gave you money when you said you were hungry, but were obviously spending it on pot or some other drug. I sent you countless birthday cards and never forgot about you.... lets not forget about that day I was working for their mother and I went to work to find nothing in the office.. not even furniture!!! And of course that wonderful phone call right after asking me to come get her by the side of the road because she ran someone off of the road and almost killed him.... After dropping her off and seeing my two sisters... only then did they manage to say, "by the way, Happy Birthday!"

I've been there for everybody. and the one time I ask for help or support, the door is slammed in my face. It hurts. I guess I've learned my lesson.

My Mom was something special. She was honest to a fault, kind, generous, warm, loving... she taught me about integrety. The day I went to see her, my body knew. My mind knew. From the moment I got the phone call, I knew. I couldn't get on a plane the next day because I knew. I felt it. I had to grieve. I know she wasn't gone yet, but I knew she would not be with me for long. My body was completely screwed up. Walking up to the hospital, walking through the doors... my body was dealing with the news alright. I walked in to your hospital room by myself and Marilyn and Cindy were there praying at her side. I felt that usual feeling when I would see you like that Mom. It's that, here we are again feeling. Except, this time you are in that room...the room that I saw a man die in when you were intubated in a different room in RICU. I remember watching it. My heart stopping. I knew then that you were not leaving me yet. Although you had tubes every where and a machine was breathing for you, I knew. When I walked into that fateful room, seeing you with the breathing machine and then I looked at your face....God, I still can't write this with out stopping to wipe my tears.

Everyone left me alone with you Mom. And I knew I had a few moments with you. Those moments that I've been preparing for since you became sick... although never rehearsed or even thought of. I don't know what came over me, but I had to talk. I talked about everything, everyone and of course, our Bradford. And then the moment came. All of those memories over came me... I recalled the time you had a cardiac arrest and I prayed for Mary and your guardian angel. Cindy says that she's never heard anyone pray that loudly or that quickly before in her life. I called out to you then, told you that you were too damn stubborn to let go... that we needed you....8 minutes go by and you are being wheeled out on a gurnee, grabbing the handrails... You are a miracle! How quickly did those thoughts vanish... I know now that you need something different. You need someone to be strong for you, to hold your hand, to tell you not to worry and that everything would be all right. At that very moment, I did what I thought you needed and not what I wanted. God knows that I wanted you. I wanted you to be with me and to not leave me. I told you think of a wonderful place that brings you peace and to be there. I told you that I can no longer be selfish and that if God is calling you, you need to go. Don't be afraid. I believe that this life is only the journey, not the destination.

I knew you were with me on that day. I could feel you. They said you had no brain movement whatsoever, but I know differently. I know you. I know how you defide all odds and came back to life 6 times. I know that when you were on life support a few years back that you could hear.. you proved that one! I've always felt it and known it... I guess some would call it intuition. However, that day in the hospital, I know you were there. I would ask you to breathe more on your own and you did... I don't think I've ever told you that I love you that much.

The next day, you were in the same state, but I didn't feel you there. Your body was there breathing and your heart was beating, but you were not there with me. Your face looked 20 years younger and you looked absolutely at peace. I felt so relieved. John and I spent the evening with you, talking to you, filling you in on our lifetime plans. I rubbed your feet with lotion and gave you a sponge bath. You weren't there.

The next day we all gathered around you and prayed. Father didn't give you last rights because God knows you had them at least 10 other times. lol We prayed for your journey to God...

and then we left the room while they took the tubes out and we all came back in... your Bradford and all of our family. We said goodbye. I held your hand and talked to you. I must have told you I loved you a million times. I must have kissed you even more. I think I was trying to squeeze a lifetime of kisses and I love you's in. And then when you passed, I wiped my tears and began to celebrate. No more suffering! What a joyous place you are going to!

My dear Mom, I love you so much and miss you. You are only a thought a way and a dream ever so close. I pray that you will help Grandma find her way. I miss you both so much.

"Love you."

Dearest Bradford,

2008-09-28T03:01:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe that September 27 has come and gone. You are five now. FIVE! How can this be? It seems like yesterday that I held you as an infant... At only two weeks old you raised your head to look at me. You are such a delightful, smart young man. Remember when we use to spin in circles while listening to opera music or jumping up and down while listening to "Jump in?" Remember going to Target to shop with Grammy and then eating pizza afterward? Two words... Chucky Cheese's.

I remember so much. I hope you will never forget, but I know you have a great memory. Some of my fondest moments are sitting in church with you and Grammy. You two were my life. You still are.

You spoke of Grammy today and I had to hold back tears. She loved you so so much that I can't begin to tell you.

I can't believe Grammy is gone. July 18, 2008, 5:18pm. That day will forever be engraved in my mind. You were there. Your bright, sun filled face. So innocent, so loving. It broke my heart to hear you say goodbye to Grammy. It still breaks over and over again when I think of it.

and then I talk to you. You laugh at the silliest things even at the most difficult times. And I smile through my tears. How happy you make those who surround you.

I called you tonight and sang Happy Birthday. You were most annoyed and told me you would plug your ears if I sang more. Guess I don't have much of an opera career. You were unhappy with one of my gifts and said it was too girly. lol I'm grateful John talked me out of the carebear!!

You are so intelligent. You knew that Great-Mama passed and that she was with Grammy. I can't believe it's been 3 days already since she has passed on. But I know they are watching over you and that love surrounds you.

I wish I could be there with you. I dream of you and think of you every day. I love you and miss you more than you will ever know.

Grammy would have wanted me to share this with you...

HI BRADFORD
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU BIG 4 YEAR OLD. GRAMMY WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. I HOPE YOU HAVE A FUN BIRTHDAY, AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE FUN AND CELEBRATE BEING 4. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FAST YOU HAVE GROWN UP. SOON YOU CAN COME TO GRAMMY'S NEW HOME. I AM TAKING YOUR TOYS WITH ME..........THE KITTY CATS SAY MEOW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO. COME AND SEE ME SOMETIME. GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS.....
LOVE, GRAMMY

Happy Birthday my Bradford. I love you!

Love,
Auntie

the world today

2008-03-23T00:32:00.000-04:00

Where I'm at...

It seems that my family is sort of on track. My mom is living in a new place. One that is close to our family friend, only three houses away. My brother and his family are sorta on track. He has a decent job, a wife, and a child at home. Minus the maybe party problem and neglect of his son, they could be a somewhat happy family. If only he would realize that neglect is abuse, and maybe the worst kind. Our father was similiar. He'd neglect that he had children, with the exception of two weekends out of the month. We'd go to the doughnut shop or to the seven-eleven for our candy... bribery for the poor parenting. This would make him feel better... can't say he never did anything! But it wasn't for our benefit.... it was to relieve his conscious. I do remember a few good times with my father... like the time he showed up to my viola performance at the high school, drunk and reeking of beer. It was a nice gesture that he was there, but I was so embarrassed that he was a drunk.

I realize now that my father never reached his full potential, he wasn't even close. He was a very average person, if not unhealthy person in his life. Now, I'm not speaking of health... I am talking about his personality and his being. He could have been great. He could have been something. He had high potential and a family he almost did right by. He was smart, driven person... So what went wrong?

Drug dependency.

Selfishness.

Lack of showing emotion or allowing himself to be emotional because of the drug (alcohol) addiction.

Money hungry.

So now where is he? I don't know and I probably won't ever find out. He made the choice.

Where does this leave my family? Hopefully not in the circle... that repetitive cycle in which we become like our parents for fear of never being better than them.

It is Easter. But it doesn't feel like Easter because I don't have my family around anymore. They are on the opposite coast. Easter has become something that people associate with food and beverages. It is an occasion we can over look because it doesn't have an impact on our lives today. I never thought I would become one of those... the sterotypical catholic who attends mass but twice a year and dares to call him/herself catholic. This isn't a club or joke. But it might as well be.

That's right, who needs family? All we need in life is success and to make ourselves feel good. Well shit, I should be out making tons of money, sleeping with the whole world and going to church twice a year!!!! Isn't that what society has deemed right? Isn't that what the majority of the population wants? I should also wear my hair long and flowing, become bulemic and wear slutty clothing to catch the attention of others (men and women alike!). I should drink more, eat less, party more, make more money, buy a house, have a car, go to the best hair salon to have my hair cut, colored, highlighted, blown out and styled, wax my eyebrows and my facial hair, get a "mani/pedi" once a week, make sure I take care of my stresses in my back by getting a back massage (spa week is coming up, you know!!!), dine like the wealthy at expensive restaurants eating god knows what (probably testicals from an endangered species), shop at generic clothing stores such as the gap or banana republic or macy's, buy the pointing shoes that hurt but look great, whiten my teeth with white strips but follow up with a trip to the dentist to spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars on cosmetic dentistry, spend thousands of dollars getting a boob job because my boobs are only a B cup! and they should be a DD, then i'll spend tens of thousands to have botox injected to my laugh lines to take away my smile, silicon injected into my lips to make them bigger (and more enticing to men because they believe they will enjoy a better blow job), then I will paralyze my face permanently with a nice face lift to rid myself of any individuality that I may have had, and finally I will get liposuction done to suck out the rest of the fat that the bulemia did not cure so that I can fit into the petite's section and possibly be the next candidate for America's Top Model.

But I'm cute right?

No, SEXY!!!!

Stay tuned...

America's Most Wanted is next.

Go read a fuck'n book.

I heart NY

2007-12-26T22:23:00.001-05:00

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. It is the day after Christmas and I've had the most lazy of days since I can remember. What have I accomplished today? Absolutely nothing... let's see, I got up, watched tv for a few hours, made a bagel, fed my cat, watched some more tv, cleaned up a little, watched some more tv, went online to check email, ate lunch, watched more tv... finally I practiced my viola and my calligraphy.

What is new...

Nothing too too much... oh ya, Johnathan gave me the most beautiful diamond ring... no no, not a proposal or anything, just a thoughtful gift.

I wish I could have gone back home for the holidays, but I've taken too many trips this year. The best trip had to be the one to Arizona. I had SUCH a good time sitting around the pool at the spa and catching up with Angela. Angela, my bestfriend of like 20 years married the ever so sweet Anthony. My mother moved from the home she was in to a place that is about the same size, just much more easily accessible and closer to her long time friend. My brother moved from Pennsylvania back to California with his family. My nephew and niece are growing so much!!! Both kids are going to be super tall.

New York is living up to be all that I hoped it would be. I designed the Newsletter for the school this year and I hoping to do more designing in the near future!

I'm so glad I moved here. I miss LA from time to time, but it is nothing like NY. :)

New Dream Diary

2007-01-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

I decided to post a dream diary. I have way to many nutty dreams. I want to start keeping track of them so that I may discover a little more about myself. Any who, I added a few links; Angela's Opinion is a fabulous blog about current events, written by a fabulous new blogger. "What Dreams May Come" is my dream diary. Also I added the links to my actual page for convenience. Check them out!

Misunderstanding

2006-11-19T13:55:00.000-05:00

There once lived two small children. They grew up in a beautiful home, were driven around in fancy cars had everything one could imagine. Their parents were over achievers who pushed their children into which ever direction they could. They were supportive, caring strict parents with a loving attitude. Any child would love to be in this situation.

As the children grow up, they begin to become two very different adolescents. Their personalities are complete opposites. The parents begin to treat their children slightly differently. One child is more of an over achiever excelling in almost every subject. The other is very artistic. The point being, both are very talented young women, just in very different ways.

Say for instance that the parents identify greater with the academic over achiever. They begin to talk about the other child a little more, maybe because she has participated in more events that demonstrate her abilities. Eventually, the other young lady will begins to hear how her sister did this and that. Yet this child knows that her parents are just as proud of her, but she can't help but wonder because she is constantly reminded about "Susan did that with so and so," " Susan knows the president of this company because she met his son at a debate." You can begin to see how the other child must feel. The expectations are very high. When she is constantly reminded how and what her sister does from day to day, how can she ever feel supported about the way she is? She would begin to have feelings of resentment and doubt in herself that she may not be as good. Yet, she knows that she shouldn't feel this way. However, after constant reminders she can help but begin to feel this way.

At this point, the parents do not see how they are potentially harming their other child with their behavior. One might even take offense if told they do this to their child. In their eyes, they are trying their best. It isn't that do not love and support their other child just as much, if not more so because she isn't an over achiever like themselves, it is because they do not understand. Love and understanding are the best tools to battle this sort of situation.

More about my new start

2006-09-28T22:39:00.000-04:00

For the first time in a long time, I am truly happy.

Where do I start... I suppose from the beginning.

September 5-

It was on this evening that I made my journey from California to NYC. The day was jam packed with errands and cleaning and packing. It was pure madness. Reflecting back on it, I believe that it happened that way to keep my mind busy. My mother and I haven't been getting along. Mainly because I had WAY too much on my plate. My mother is very ill. It is like she has cancer and is in the final stages. It is definitely the most difficult time I have ever faced.

When I got on that plane, I had very mixed feelings. I was upset because I didn't want to let anyone down. I didn't want my mother to die that way. But I had no choice. My life had to go on. In some ways it was almost like an excuse I wanted to use because in someways I feel like I shouldn't succeed.

The plane ride was incredibly long. It was a red-eye to JFK. I didn't sleep a wink. When I arrived my other half Lans was there to greet me with her aunt.

We had a nice time. We watched a movie, went all over Manhattan, explored the bar scene. It was something I will never forget.

End of September-

I moved to Brooklyn shortly after my stay with Ilana. I live three blocks from the ocean. I have the most beautiful view of the Verrazano Bridge. I can walk for 2 miles and have an incredibly view of the Statue Of Liberty.

I've been job hunting a bit. I received a call today about an interview with a great company. I hope to nail it... I can't even imagine ... working across the street from central park on Broadway.

And then there is John. My protector, my friend, my better half. Who could resist a 6'4'', sicilian, intelligent, honest guy with a Brooklyn accent? ... WHo loves cats, can cook like no other, plays the piano beautifully, speaks italian unto me, sings whole heartedly, who is a computer NERD and can fix anything, AND he's catholic! I'm so lucky.

Death of a Spirit

2006-08-24T23:11:00.000-04:00

I was driving to pick up some breakfast this morning when a thought popped into my head...

There is a reason death is for the most part, associated with negative thoughts and feelings. Sadness, hurt, pain might just be a few things one may feel. Then I began to wonder why is death associated with such negativity?

Think about it, if there is this magical, mysterious, joyous place where peace exists in this so called "heaven," wouldn't we want to push the fast forward button? Why are we stuggling on earth with such horrors if we could just go to heaven and it would be all over with?

That is why death hurts. That is why death is painful. That is why we have medical problems. That is why we have sadness, hurt and anger when thoughts of this subject occur. If we could surpass all of these thoughts and feelings to where we could just chose to BE there, then life would cease to exist. Hell, everyone would want to jump over the ledge of a 50 ft building. Why should we live this crazy life, when peace and love are promised to us in heaven?

That is why we must live the horrors on earth... if we didn't, life would cease to exist. I suppose in a sense, we must earn our way out of this life and into the next, just as we earn our status on this earth.

Death has crossed my mind quite offen this past year. Watching someone you once knew so well transform into someone completely different is very difficult to see. Especially when you can see that life might not bless this person with many more years, maybe even less.

I am angry.

Angry that everyone has always looked to me for help. However, if Jennifer is in a pickle, everyone gets upset with me or leaves.

I could really care less if people want to help me out, because I am confident in what I will be able to provide for myself. But I don't need all of the guilt and emotional abuse for the choices I make.

I'm sick of being told I'm a mental case and that I need treatment. I am sick of being told that I need to have some faith in God. I am sick of being told I am a devil. WTF?

Imagine this:

You are expected to not have any friends. All of my friends are bad and they feed me full of senseless bullshit which will never help me in life (not my opinion, i love my friends).

Make sure that there is enough jelly on the english muffin, otherwise one of two things will happen. She will complain that there is too MUCH jelly and that I am being wasteful, or there is not enough and she cannot taste it. Not to mention the countless trips made to fetch whatever beverage she wants.

I never empty the commode. Now she can walk, there is nothing wrong with the toilet, yet she continues to think that she is in a convelscent hospital where people wait on you. I empty this once every night, yet I am told I don't do it but once every three days.

I wake her up to take her medicine. SHe askes me why I wake her up b/c she NEVER sleeps. Then I don't wake her up to take her medicine and she blames me for letting her sleep all day.

Most days, every thought and phrase uttered from her lips are negative.

I never help her "clean up." When you shop at least 3 times a week for needless shit, have three rooms used for storage and no where to go, how can one clean?

Everyday, I am asked, "where did you put ----?" If it is gone, I am blamed for it. Not to mention, I am considered a thief, liar and devil.

Ok, now try hearing and doing all of this every day. Now, try hearing and doing this everyday and not getting a break for the last 8, almost 9 months.

Maybe I just need a break.

Maybe I just need my life back.

I believe that it was my faith that kept her here on this earth after her unbelievable medical issues. I believe that it is my honesty that has kept me here. And I believe that it is my love and devotion to those I love that I am here in this position.

I am not mental. I'm just not appreciated.

So, now I will take myself on a new journey, to a new place without reservation. I am taking my life back.

I'm hardly Prince Charming

2006-07-18T01:01:00.000-04:00

Today was a very humorous day. This morning I woke up early to shuttle my mother to the nearby indian casino. Once we arrived, mother took off to the keno slots that fill her heart with joy, while I headed to the coffee shop to fill my gut with a extra hot white chocolate mocha. I sat down to read for a few hours. After my vision blurred and my stomach began to growl, I made my way over to my mother at the keno slot machine. I sat down and mother procedes to tell me that she lost her shoe.

Wait a sec...

Back up...

"You did what? You lost your SHOE?"

"Yes, I lost my shoe."

"Where do you think you lost it?"

"I don't know."

"How do you lose your SHOE?"

...She further explains that she was on her scooter riding around and it probably fell off somewhere.

At this point, I am laughing hysterically. She is sitting there with a shoe on one foot and only a stocking on the other. I then said that they probably have a lost and found. lol Wow,I didn't think I'd still be laughing about this one... anywho, I got up and went over to the service desk and asked for the lost and found.

"Yes, we have a Lost and Found. What did you lose?"

"Ok, this may sound an odd request, but do you have a shoe?" At this point, I am still laughing hysterically.

The woman then procedes to laugh along with me. I quickly told her it was NOT mine.
"I've heard of people losing their wallets, their minds, but shoe?"

Then she further explains how they searched for the shoeless lady, but couldn't find her. Then she said something about it being a pretty large womans shoe. I laughed along with her, although secretly cursing my own big feet.

I brought the shoe back to my mother, however, make no mistake, I am not Prince Charming.

Exciting News!

2006-07-17T00:57:00.000-04:00

Today I caught a glimpse of my first herb sprouting from the soil. A few days ago, I planted some basil seeds. I thought it would take up to two weeks to be able to see the first sprout. Nope, not with this one. Yipee!

Short, but sweet.

2006-07-01T02:18:00.000-04:00

I could feel the crunch of the snow beneath my feet as they began to sink into the ground. Gloves brought warmth to my hands and a heavy knit scarf wrapped around my neck. My cheeks and nose are rosy from the ice cold breeze. It was nearing ten degrees as the evening passed on.

Blustery, cold nights like these are suppose to last longer than they seem. Tonight came too quickly.

Wandering down a somewhat busy city block, I noticed the window shoppers. Some people were standing close, hugging each other to keep warm. Others walked alone, like me. And although the weather was notably cold and stormy, people seemed not to notice or they took advantage of the circumstance.

I caught myself starring into a window of a small shop. A toy train moved slowly around its track. Two small stuff animals were placed upon a red wooden teeter-todder. I can imagine small children pressing their faces against the cold glass, hoping for a small glimpse of what could be theirs.

I continued walking down the street, taking advantage of the joyous mood that shown in the faces of the passing crowds. I stopped briefly to buy a cup of hot cocoa from a local coffee shop. Even the warmth of the quaint coffee shop couldn't keep me indoors.

I walked outside, warm cup in hand. The cold nipped at my face and body. But that didn't matter. Not even the chill of winter could take me away from the warmth I felt.

Yet another...

2006-06-20T01:15:00.000-04:00

What a week.

I discovered a few things about life this week. Nothing is ever certain unless it is on paper... and even then, things can still change. It was a difficult lesson to learn, but I suppose everything happens for a reason.

My nephew is now living with his dad. In many ways, I feel like I at least accomplished something this year. I know that if my mother had been well, there is no way she would have let my nephew go back to my brother... but its just not right. I believe everything happens for a reason. And the fact that my mother got sick is very sad, but it was also something that aided this situation. All in all, I think he will be most successful in this new environment living with his dad. I'm going to miss him terribly.

This past year, I have learned that things aren't always what they seem. For example, I use to always take my mother's side in various things that have to do with family/life... well, I've been wrong. Her expectations of everyone but herself are way to high. So nothing is ever good enough. Her children will never been good enough. Her friends will never be good enough. So we all just do what we can to live our own lives and not be affected by her criticism and negativity.

So whats next in the crazy life?

I have NO clue.

ANother thing...

I've been having these visions. I will think of an event and not long after it goes through my thoughts, it happens. This has happened NUMEROUS times. The first time I was in church and I had this vision that an EMTs and Firemen would come through a specific door of the church with a gurny (sp?). Mind you, there are about four different entrances into that church. About 20 minutes later, it happens... that exact door with the same people. I about fainted in church. Another time, I was sitting in church and I got this vision of my nephew throwing up in church. About 25 minutes after that, he started to gag and make these noises... sounds nasty I know, but I reacted immediately and prevented the situation from happening... at least in church. Then, Saturday night I had another vision that I wouldn't be able to find Bradford... that he would run off in the mall and I would be panicked. Two hours later, it happened.... maybe for only 1 minute, but my god, it was the worst fucking minute in the world.

Life is scary sometimes. But I know that everything will eventually turn out... whether or not it will turn out as I'd like it, is another question.

Blonde Humor

2006-06-05T15:48:00.000-04:00

Here is a funny joke I thought you all might enjoy...

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, 'What is Easter?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...'
'Wrong!,' replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, 'What is Easter?'
The second blonde replies, 'Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.'
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, 'What is Easter?'
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, 'I know what Easter is.'
'Oh?' says St. Peter, incredulously.
'Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.'
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, 'Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.'

Roll over in your grave.

2006-05-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

I am completely outraged. People are sending this email around with a picture of a child practically on her death bed. There is a vulture waiting in the background ready to feast on this starving child who looks like she would die at any second. Apparently the guy won a Pulitzer for it in 1994. AND The guy doesn't know what happened to the child because he left the site after the picture was taken. What is wrong with this?

This photographer apparently commited suicide 3 months after this photo was taken because he was in such a great depression. UM, DUH! Wouldn't you go into a depression if you knew you could have reached your hand out to this child instead of taking his picture on his death bed? Wouldn't you have trouble being in your own body and mind know that you didn' t do everything you could for this human being? No wonder he committed suicide.

I realize that many of these pulitzer prize award winning pictures are taken so that the world can open its eyes to our atrocious world. But I don't understand it. These people are being photographed living in inhumane conditions and these photographers are winning awards, getting recognition for them and a monitary sum for it? Why not follow murders around and photograph their acts? Maybe because you would go to prison for it? No, instead go to these third world countries, photograph these starving people and leave... Just like Kevin Carter did.

Why don't we spend more money on a war that is NOT ours? How much money was spent sending out troops into places we didn't have any business being in? How much money was spent on the fancy parties that the political jackasses go to to promote themselves or celebrate a new victory? Probably plenty of our tax dollars. and enough to feed every mouth in this world.

The vulture in the picture was there because of its basic instincts for survival. What was Kevin Carter's excuse?

Many of these photographers do what they do to help promote and educate people like me about these issues to help bring relief to them. But who am I to judge? Maybe this guy did do everything he could to help these people. I was angered because the way it was worded and the way his journal described it. They made it seem like he just snapped the picture and left. I just don't like the idea of people getting awards for this type of shit. Yes, let us recognize this situation and bring relief. Let us thank these people for bringing reality into our homes and hearts. Why don't we put the efforts that we would take to award a prize like this into bring more relief? Is it worth an award? Is it worth the recognition? Maybe. Is it worth the 10k? Sure. Give it to that little girl who layed practically crippled from hunger. I'd take it a thousand times over and summit that photo if i could give that little girl the money. But Kevin Carter? Even he didn't know what happened to that little girl.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Carter

Bigger Breasts

2006-05-02T12:25:00.000-04:00

I don't blog as much as I'd like, but here goes....

I was watching tv this morning and I saw the most hilarious commercial EVER!!! I was dying... well, actually I was a little pissed off at first, but when I saw the whole commercial... I was practically on the floor. For many of you that have not seen it, it the most recent commercial by Carls Jr. There is this guy who is telling the camera (who I thought was an actual woman) that it would benefit her to get larger breasts. At this point, I turned around (because I'm at the computer and the television is behind me) with this disgusted look on my face. I was furious... who the hell did he think he was? What a pig... this only lasted a few seconds. The commercial continues on... The guy is really trying to encourage this "woman" to enhance her breasts to make them bigger because they would benefit her in the long run. I'm still pissed...
Then they show a picture of a chicken and the latest addition to the Carls Jr. menu... "Bigger is better."

Wow.

lol, I guess the closest I will come to large breasts is the new Carls Jr. chicken sandwich.... it better be worth the money!!!

"That is life."

2006-04-29T02:47:00.000-04:00

I watched this movie tonight. I thought it was going to be a comedy, but it fell short to that category. It really tugged at my heart. Makes you think about how you treat people in your life and why you may keep them at arms length so not to get hurt. How could you keep someone at a distance so that you cannot get hurt? And in the end, wind up getting hurt even though you tried to prevent that hurt? Only to discover that you wound up getting hurt because you could never go that distance.

Steve Martin did a fabulous job. I am so use to seeing him in a comedy that I was blown away by the seriousness of his character. I definitely give Shopgirl two thumbs up.

Jobs, sleepiness, and my viola

2006-04-25T17:50:00.000-04:00

I applied to three jobs today so far. Probably won't get an interview call from them either. Oh, well. I gotta keep on going.

I spent the better part of today trying to wake my mother up. She missed breakfast and lunch. It is nearing 3pm and I barely kept her awake enough to eat a small cup of apple sauce. Once I leave she is going put herself into a diabetic coma. Its frustrating because I can scream at her, scare her, sit her chair up, sprinkle water on her.. anything and she won't wake up! This has been happening probably the last 3 weeks off and on. Last week, out of her sleepiness, she told me to call the police three times... she was dreaming and talking to me. Besides being a very sad scenario, she still manages to entertain me with her random speeches... "I did not do it," "did you put the shrimp in the freezer?" "wait, wait, wait, wait... slow down." "Did you make it?" These are just some of the things she has said today in her sleep. Eh, what to do...

It's times like these where I wish I could play my viola. I miss it more than anything in the world.

So what will come? I've applied for crap jobs. Even then, I don't get a call for an interview. I don't know where to go, what to look for. I'm lost. Any advice? With my experience I should be able to get most anything. Oy Vey. Being unemployed sucks.

(don't mention, careerbuilder, monster, temp agencies, hotjobs, craigslist, etc... been there done that, got nada)

Earth Day

2006-04-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

Happy Earth Day

What an interesting day. Today is my mother and my sister's birthday. My mother insists that she would like to do things for "[her} birthday." Well good for you. I had to run her ass around to the doctor and do what she wanted.... fetch her drinks, food, clothing, etc. You name it, I did it. She never gets off her ass to do anything. She sleeps sitting up now because she says it is comfortable... which is wreaking havoc on her neck... she already cannot stand up straight and has her head in her chest. Its just a matter of time before she completely lets herself go and round two of the hospital visits begins again. I won't put myself through the emotional trama again... I'm just a bit pissed off... who died and made her queen?

I don't care if it's the popes birthday... I'm not giving the royal treatment. Maybe its because she was a bitch to me on my birthday.... she picked arguments, made me cry, made me drive her ass around. Today is like any other day.

I still haven't been paid for the work I did in March. My cell phone is shut off because I cannot pay the bill. My storage fee is late and my stuff will be sold if I don't pay for it... yet, I went out of my way to help that fucking woman, used my gas and my time, and I'm not even reimbursed for the gas... oh yeah, and I picked her up when she got in a wreck on my birthday, used my gas to take her to the neighboring town and the woman still can't pay me.

I should call and wish my sister a happy birthday... it would be the right thing to do.

Then there is my brother. If I were him, I work hard to get Bradford back and get the hell out.... away from all of the craziness. Only then can Bradford begin to live a normal life. One where there isn't constant yelling or crazy people. Sure we've all made mistakes. I've made many mistakes, my brother has made some pretty big ones, but then again... EVERY single person has. We all just need to get over ourselves and move the f *&$ on and make better ones in the future. I will no longer play into the games. No more mind games. No more emotional games.

It would be so much easier if people couldbe more blunt... more honest. Sure it can hurt, but why waste so much time sugar coating things... if i make a mistake, I'll admit it and move on. Why dwell on it... it only makes things stressful for yourself.

I'm rambling here.

When I move, I swear that I am going to spend a week in isolation... lol

Family Detox

I was reading an article about Meridith Viera. I recently had a dream about her too... anyway, I really admire this woman. She lives with illness everyday. She works two major jobs, has three children, a husband who has MS and still manages to keep her sense of humor. I really feel like I can identify with this woman. Definitely a role model for us. Anyway, this article was about how she had to deal with her husbands decline with MS. She knew he had this before they were married and obviously she is still married to him. She is a loyal, decent and respectable person. I've never really admired any celebrities. I figured they were working just as any of us do. I'm not one to get star stuck, so to speak. However, I definitely admire Viera.

Happy Easter!

2006-04-17T00:45:00.000-04:00

Easter Sunday

I don't understand why people go to mass only on Christmas and Easter. Why bother?

I know practically all of the hymns and I began to sing along. I must have been the only person around singing. The kids were turning to look at me and the lady in front of me turned around twice. Obviously these people were the typical seasonal church goers. It drives me crazy. You come to mass, invade my personal space and then stare at me like I'm the odd ball? I guess I shouldn't take it personal... and I don't, but stop with the looks. I couldn't have sung that great or looked that good.

I came home after, did three loads of laundry, baked a cake, made dinner, and cleaned the kitchen. Same shit different day right? Well, we did enjoy a nice Honey-baked turkey and ham. The cake was interesting. My mother was set on making a rabbit cake with coconut and Peeps.

Other than "all that jazz," nothing new is going on.

I'm on the job hunt yet again. I've decided I must hit the restaurant scene once again.. only for a few months. I can't seem to get diddly squat with the temp agencies or online sites. It's all bs anyway.

I was reading some blogs and stumbled across this post ... http://queenofsunshine.blogspot.com/2006/04/presenting.html Rock on! I only wish I had the balls to say shit like that.

Male vs. Female

2006-04-14T20:07:00.000-04:00

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have agender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. (Over time? I guess I'm damned then!)

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Old saying

2006-04-10T12:39:00.000-04:00

Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

What dreams...

2006-04-10T12:18:00.000-04:00

Interesting event:

Yesterday while at mass, I had this vision. I envisioned someone having medical problems and a need for the paramedic and firemen. It was a strange feeling, but I've had these feelings before and usually brush them off and go about my business. This time, I did exactly that. I just continued to pay attention in church. Not more than 10 minutes later, the paramedic entered into the church through the exact doors I had just envisioned. Then the firemen followed. I sorta freaked out a bit. Mind you, there are 5 different entrances into the church, but I specifically had a vision about this door. Interesting...

Dreams:

Lately I have had quite a few dreams. I've dreamt about rugs, cancer and beer. The rug in my dream was old and worn. In this dream I was broke and only had a car and this rug. This dream is easy to figure out. In another, someone I knew had cancer, but it was unknown who had it. Then I dreamt I went to the store and bought beer and diet coke. I have no idea what that dream means seeing as I don't drink much of either.

So close, yet so far

2006-04-07T12:38:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a 3hr conversation with my bestfriend. It felt like old times. Although she lives in a different state now, it still feels like she lives down the street. It's amazing. We hadn't really talked in MONTHS and we picked up right where we left off. I am very lucky in this sense.

I look back and think of all the times, all of the memories. We certainly can't go back to being kids again drinking cherry coke and making each other laugh so hard that we spit out the soda. However, I suppose I can now look forward to the new chapter in our lives. She will be 26, I am 25. There might not be any more fun filled nights playing the New Kids on the Block game, Friday night pizza with the family, or bike riding around the old neighborhood but I certainly look forward to what may come.

I'm so lucky. :)

Birthday Blues

2006-04-04T23:23:00.000-04:00

What can I say?

I'm now in my "mid-twenties." Things didn't pan out quite as I expected for my big 25. I thought I'd take the time to write everything down just for shits and giggles.

Sunday evening(my last day being 24), I went to mass as usual with my mother and she decided she wanted to hit the mall with her scooter. Here I am, dressed fairly nice with nice 4 inch heels walking around the mall. My only down fall was choosing to wear heels. But as many of you know, I only own about 2, maybe 3 pairs of flat shoes. The rest of them, (don't ask how many) are high heels. So I'm following my mother around from store to store. My feet felt like they were going to fall off. So I decided to sit down with rest of the men in the lounge area of the mall. Then we meet my brother and my nephew at this pizza place. This place was like Vegas for kids! It was great, had my feet not been killing me, I probably would have had a fantastic time. Then I drove back with my brother to get his old car which he was giving to me. After that who fiasco, I ended up getting home around 11:30pm completely exausted.

Then yesterday rolled around. I woke up early to go to work, got the kiddo ready and managed to get into a fight with my mother before I left the house. This woman is ridiculous!!! She asks me for a diet coke (7:30am), a glass of juice and some breakfast. She manages to spill her glass of apple juice because she fell asleep with it in her hand and as I'm almost ready to walk out of the door asks me for a water bottle. Ok, I took the last water bottle so I put new ones in. Mind you, they are NOT cold. This is common sense right? She sees me with the water bottle, throws a fit telling me I should have put more in (which I just did) and keeps it up. So, I asked her if she wanted mine after I drank out of it. She took it, no problem.

Now I'm all pissed off on my way to work. This might not sound like much to anyone else, but this kind of shit happens everyday, maybe 10-15 times a day. See, now I'm getting side tracked. Ok... I'm driving to work. I get there ( dressed f airly nice because it was my birthday) and I'm let into the office and there is NOTHING there! I just stood there with this blank stare. Um, What happened? The security guy then informs me that my ex-stepmother is no longer doing business with these companies. I wasted my time, energy and gas to get there on time to find out that what is suppose to be my own family, fucked me over yet again. I was SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed. How could she not call me? I mean seriously!!!! I suspect it must have been a pride issue. That account was her big account. Making a six digit figure from them, I'm sure it was difficult to tell me that she didn't really need me anymore. But to leave me hanging? On my fucking birthday?

I'm not even done yet...

I decide to call her. She explains and apologizes. Then she tells me she has to call me back. She calls me back and I decided not to answer right away because I was still a little pissed. She calls three times. I answer. She is in hysterics, crying and telling me she hit a man. Needless to say, she got into an accident on the freeway, hit an old man who cut in front of her and sent him off the imbankment. The fire truck came, highway patrol, ambulance. She was untouched. I pick her up, the front of her truck is smashed in and it is pouring rain. I ended up taking her home because my sister (who was also called and showed up at the site) was in hysterics also. I had a talk with them all at the house and had to head back home.

I arrived home only to jump right back in the car to take my mother to a doctors appointment. I'm so tired by this time that all I want to do is go to bed. I hadn't slept much the night before either. The woman then decides she wants me to take her to a craft store. I go in, buy her the goods, and take her home. Then I pick up the kid and we decided to go to dinner.

I'm starved at this point. Dinner was fantastic. I had a spicy shrimp pasta and a big piece of chocolate cake. After dinner, my mother decides she wants to go to a few stores. We go to Homegoods... a new store. Then Shoe Pavilion in which Bradford picked out the highest, pointiest heels for me. At this point, I just want to go home, put them ALL to bed and have some me time.

Way too much craziness for one day! Although, I must say, I have never been on the side of the freeway before.

Horoscope

2006-04-03T15:52:00.000-04:00

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) - The only way to get out of unwanted situations is to discharge your duties. Don't fight or resist but fully enter into what you have to do and get it over with. Evasion only prolongs the problem.

My horoscope for today couldn't be more true!

Say wha?

2006-04-03T15:43:00.000-04:00

I went to work today with my banana in hand and a cup of chai tea only to discover that my office was gone. WTF?

Raising The Bar

2006-03-26T13:40:00.000-05:00

What makes a good viola teacher?

In past years, I didn't put too much thought into teaching private students. I just sorta went with it. Mind you, I didn't just show up and teach the lesson. I would prepare and work specifically with each students needs. However, that is just not enough. I then began to wonder what makes a good teacher. Why did I disregard much of what my most recent teacher said and did? Why did I praise the one who taught me most of my life?

I think the answers are very complicated. I suppose each style of teaching will be different. I suppose each student will be different. Mr. Greene, my last teacher was a good violist. He does fantastic studio work and had some dedicated students in his time. His expectations were my expectations... maybe even less. None the less, when he did show up to the lessons, he gave in to all of the secrets of the trade. He gave to you what you gave to him. He was soft spoken and very relaxed when he taught. Hell, he would come in after running and eat a burrito while I played through my etudes. Not really my cup of tea. Dr. T, my first teacher was a ball of energy. He would jump up and raise his voice when he became excited by what he heard. He demanded only the best and when you didn't measure up, he let you know. Thus being the reason I had tears well up many times. He always said, playing the viola is about having fun. The more we laughed, the better the lesson. He was a very interactive teacher and made sure that I knew he was paying attention to everything I did. I remember when I was a beginning violinist in the third grade. He taught us to hold up our violins with our neck and not our hands. How did he do this? He made 20 little violinists march around the school multi-purpose room with their violins under-neck... no hands whatsoever. I'll never forget that.

I've tried to become that interactive teacher. When my 6 year old student could figure out rhythms, I made her march to a metronome while playing. LOL, I even made my adult students do this. If that didn't work, I used words to describe rhythms. Ex: four sixteenth notes and two eigth notes would be Pep-per-o-ni pi-zza. I encouraged them to create their own sayings for these rhythms and had quite a few laughs. However, I don't feel I did my duty. In order to teach a studio of any kind, I need to focus and put much more effort into my teaching.

When I move back to LA, I am going to create more of a business. I want to create much of my own material to work with and have SET standards. It is like having standards in your home. If a child knows what is expected of him, he knows that his parents have these standards and respects them. If a child knows there are standards in playing and learning music, then he or she will have to conform to these standards and basically raise the bar.

Stepping Out

2006-03-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

What am I doing with my life?

This is the question I ponder almost every day. My entire life, almost 25 years of it, I have thought of myself as a determined, selfsuficient, honest, hard working, caring individual. I have confidence in the things I do. I have confidence in who I am. This entire past year, I have questioned my existance, my career goals, and pretty much everything that I have worked very hard to get.

The past 10 months have been extremely difficult. I have been stripped of many things I consider precious: music, friends, a job, my indepedence.

So what is left in this world for me?

Many things. First, I would like to finish my life long goal which is to get a master's degree and doctorate. When I finished up with my Bachelors, I was burnt out. I worked my ass off to get to that point. I worked hard and played hard. This lifetime goal seemed so far out of my reach with my debt and many more years to go.

I had always thought that I wouldn't work when I got my master's degree. I would take out a loan, and work my ass of at my viola. Now I've awaken from my slumber. The reality of it all hit. There is no possible way I'm going to be able to pay my bills, maintain a car, support a quality of life I would enjoy and go to school with just a loan. Sure it would be easier if I had wealthy parents who wanted to help out. But that's not how the cookie crumbles in this instance. The reality is, I am going to have to hold down a full time job, be able to practice and go to school. What kind of life will I have? A very busy one.

I've given a year of my life to helping people. I have given as much as I could, without crumbling myself. However, I am at the crossroads. I could stay and continue as I have and go farther and farther into a depression or I could step out and do something.

I'm stepping out.

I've had enough! Where do I start? I have a dependent/controlling/handicapped mother who refuses to help herself get better, a pediphile father who proved himself guilty by disappearing 9 years ago, a 13 year old sister who eats to comfort her possible feelings of abandonment (by like 4 important people in her life), a 20 year old sister who uses drugs, a 26 year old brother who doesn't seem to want his son, and what seems like a paranoid schezophrenic/drug using? ex-stepmother who lives with a hells angel.

Now I didn't say that these people were horrible people. They aren't... well, with the exception of my father. They are my family. I just don't want their bullshit anymore. I cannot tell them how to live or what to do, but that doesn't mean that I can be taken advantage of because it is convenient for them. This doesn't mean that I don't love them, it just states that I want what is rightiously mine.

Truth be told, I have a plan and one that will seemingly work out fantastically well. It would give me what I want, put me where I want to be, and give me back the confidence I need to succeed. A plan that WILL make me successful...

Tell me again that someone's better than me, more successful that me, is better looking that me, has more money, and the list could go on forever. Call me stupid or tell me that I am a whore (and yes this has actually happened in the recent weeks). I don't give a rats hairy ass. It only tells me this: my insecurities are not as great. The truth in the matter is, if you must resort to saying these things or compare me to what YOU think is great, then I don't need you because you don't see me.

Now the world knows my life story.

On another note, don't you just hate that new Double-Mint Mints commercial? Two unlikely people together walking and singing a gay ass song. Do you know what I really dislike the most about this commercial? It is so damn catchy! I catch myself singing it all of the time. Damn them!

I want to take up golf. It sounds like such a relaxing sport. I've always wanted to drive that damn golf cart. ok, I'll admit it. I'd take up golf just to drive that damn cart. lol Yes, I am retarded.

I'm announcing to all that I have given up fast food for lent. Although, I haven't had too much trouble turning it down lately so it isn't really much of a stretch for me.

Bloggers block, a job and a family update

2006-03-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

Can you believe I forgot what my user name for this blog? I couldn't believe it! Now I know it has been a long while since I've last posted!

Let's see, what is new?

I've been sending my resume to about a billion jobs online and nothing... nada... zilch! It just leads me to believe all of that online shit is a bunch of bullpucky. Today was different.

I may sound like an overly religious person, but I was thinking about why I don't have a job. Is it because I haven't prayed about getting a job? Is it my bad luck? Is it because I haven't actually physically gone to places and filled out applications? Is it because I don't actually want a job? The answer to the last question is no. I DO want a job. Are you kidding me? Would I purposely sit in this hell hole where there is no way out but to work my way out? I think not!

So I then began to think about how my other jobs just came to me. I didn't really have to work for them at all. This morning, I actually prayed about getting a job. And I kid you not, two hours later, I got a call.

Now I have a part-time job.

It isn't the full-time job that I want. Nor is the pay what I would like. However, it is the office job I have been looking for. My stepmother is finally getting her business into an office. She has worked for years out of her home and built up quite a business. Apparently it is in the same building that my bestfriends mom works in.

I know a part-time job isn't exactly what I wanted, but at least I can put money in the bank. And hopefully I be able to move out by summer. I am bouncing off the walls! Please, please let this work!

As for everything else?

Bradford is getting bigger and bigger by the day. He is 38" tall and only two and a half. His feet are enormous! My mother and I went to buy socks for him today and I was looking at what 5-6year old kids are wearing! He was terribly sick last week and now has to take chewable antibiotics. He thinks he is a real hot shot now that he takes medicine. I was doing so well with potty training this kid. Now it is like he forgot what to do! I had to tell him NOT to poop in the bathtub. Oy vey...

I'm just sick and tired of being here. I'd rather be living my own life.... far far away. I just want to start over. I don't know what to do about the kiddo though. Obviously if his father doesn't get him I can't move. I'm just sick and tired of putting life on hold. I can't handle it here. I swear the stress of living with my mother has take about 20 years off my life. Now I know why my brother doesn't talk to her. Before I never understood. My mother would call me crying and I'd get so pissed off at my brother for doing that to her. She doesn't even cry for me! I'm just told the devil lives in me. lol "The devil made me do it!" Oy, maybe she should listen in church more instead of falling asleep.

It is now that I finally feel like I have stepped in the right direction. I think there is a song about what I'm thinking...

"I'm going back to LA..."

For the Love of God!

2006-03-04T01:10:00.000-05:00

First off, I don't smoke.

Secondly, I in no way shape or form look like Monica Lewinsky!!!!

I just wanted to clear that up... in case you were thinking this.

nuff said.

Simpleton

2006-02-22T00:55:00.000-05:00

I no longer post as I once did. I use to write quite often... I have nearly 250 posts on this blog alone. I feel like I am drained of all my creativity. I live in Simpleton.

I've come to the conclusion that I am surrounded by crazy people. I mean... CRAZY people. There are those few exceptions that keep me from walking down the path into LA la land.

So what is the deal with me? I've cut myself off from many people. I have no idea why...

I'm sick and tired of being a servant in this place I once called home. "Get this, do that... help me wipe my ass." ok, that last one isn't completely true. ah, I'm just tired...

The kiddo is really sick. Poor guy is coughing up a storm, has a 102 temperature. Last night I woke him up to take his medicine. He decided it was a good idea to sleep in Auntie's bed. He grabbed his blanket, walked himself into my room, crawled in bed, covered himself up and stole my pillow. Layed right in the middle of the bed too! But how could I tell him no? Poor baby. Needless to say, I got about 1/2 hour of sleep last night. I just couldn't get comfortable. He was sooo cute. He does this little thing when he sleeps... he moves his feet back in forth on the bed, like he is feeling the sheets with this feet. Then he started snoring slightly. Aww, little stuffy nose. :( This reminded me of the time my brother brought him down to Northridge a few years back. My brother ended up coming down on Thanksgiving and the following night he left him with me. At the time he was barely two months old. I had NO IDEA what to do with a baby that young. But of course the instincts helped out a little. I had a small bed at the time and I didn't want him to sleep on it because I was afraid he would fall off. So I made a bed on the futton and layed him next to me. I was thinking about this when I layed there last night. They grow so quickly...

Time sure does go by faster and faster as we get older. It is easy to forget the place called Simpleton.

Eh, What will come?

Violist...do I dare call myself this?

2006-02-16T23:17:00.000-05:00

What is the deal? I move away from Los Angeles and now I'm getting gigs again?

First I get a response from an old contact with the American Youth Symphony. Now I'm getting calls for other gigs. Luckily, I haven't listened to everyone telling me to change my phone number. At least I can still get gigs if/when I go back.

This is very frustrating for me. I haven't worked in so long. Taking care of kids and sick people pretty much take up all of my time. I want nothing more than to go back to work. Hold down a full-time job as I take gigs on the side... try to establish myself all over again. Maybe get out there to create a name for myself.

I would love to sit down and sight read through some string quartets. Now that is my idea of entertainment. Forget the television, computer, books, travel... leave me with two fine violinists, a great cellist and pages of various string quartets. Life would be grand.

Adventures of CLARK and Lewis

2006-02-14T14:46:00.000-05:00

"The Secret Diary of William Clark," by Bob Balmer
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/issues/2005/december/last.php

I thouroughly enjoyed this article. Take note of April 1, 1806 and June 20, 1806.

Words Women Use

2006-02-14T14:40:00.000-05:00

FINE:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD:

(With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD:

(Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH:

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH:

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY:

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done . . . "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!:

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS:

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT:

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Check out my new look. :)

2006-02-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd update my look a little. I am wanting to set the back ground to this fantastic image that I found. It is a black background with a red wine glass. Very fancy schmancy. This is what I want my background to be:

I've fiddled around for many hours but I still cannot manage to do it. I suppose this will come with time as I learn more.

Links

2006-02-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

I posted all new links. Check them out.

I wouldn't say cute...

2006-02-08T01:14:00.000-05:00

First off, can I say DAMN CAT?!!!!

Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I will tell you that my damn cat just deleted my blog. Stepped on the damn keyboard... voila! No blog.

Apparently I am known as being "cute"... Just in case you were not aware of it. ;) Actually, I was reading to my nephew last night and I told him he was cute. Typical two year old response, "NO! YOU are cute!" Of course I laughed and said thank you. Although, I'm sure he didn't mean it as a compliment. Either way, I'm sure he will be quite the ladies man when he grows up. He also mentioned that "Jesus is cute." I certainly hope he doesn't go announcing that at mass. Oy vey...

I suppose I've been complaining a bit, especially in the last few blogs. Life has taken some unexpected turns and I certainly didn't expect to end up as a caretaker/acting mother of my nephew. I just want to escape this mess, but it seems I have an even greater mess on my hands. The brother reported to me that he doesn't want to follow the court order. Chances are he won't get his son back as soon as I thought(just a guess). I suppose I expected more. So here I am, picking up the pieces of everyone else's lives. I don't even have my music anymore because my bow needs work done on it. My friend Aron thinks my playing will come back after a month or two of practicing. Of course this is only if I have any muscle memory left. I suppose that is why I've been so depressed. I'm so busy taking care of everyone else, I feel like I don't have much left and I'm losing it as the days go by.

I'm ready to move back home. Back to the smoggy LA where my allergies don't act up. Definitely something you wouldn't expect.

Life is definitely changing lately. Recently, I reconnected with a great old friend from my early college years. She had me laughing so hard that my stomach hurt... good times. Oh my conservative days... even then did I have a wild streak in me. ;) Yes, this coming from a girl who didn't have her first drink until she was 21.

2006-02-05T22:10:00.000-05:00

The Superbowl...

First off, we KNEW the Steelers were gonna win.
Secondly, the half time show was by far the worst ever!!!

I have pictures coming (crossing my fingers if my bro sends them). My nephew had this adorable Steelers outfit which his east coast grandma bought him and his Dad bought him a Seahawks outfit... a little mixed up? Awww, it should be adorable.

...and to think, I rushed home from shopping with my Mom to watch that F*&$ waste of a time half-time show.

ME Me me

2006-02-01T17:22:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here right now eatting my strawberry banana yogart with granola. What do I hear you ask? NOTHING!!!!

I don't hear an oxygen machine buzzing in the back ground.
I don't hear my nephew saying "Auntie, Auntie, Auntie."
I don't hear my mother asking me to fetch her pills (which are 5ft from her... I know, I measured).

What do I hear?

NOTHING!

Ah, peace and quiet for 1 hour. Yay, for once I don't have anyone else's ass to wipe, no one else's mouth to feed, no one elses socks to put on... hell, I'm not even gonna put mine on. :)

This is the first time since November 19! Me time.

I draw the line

2006-02-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had to run a few errands for my mother. I stopped off at one of the many craft stores where she usually sends me to buy yarn for her latest project.

I'm standing in the isle looking at stationary when I am approached by this 65 year old man. The first thing out of his mouth is, "are you married?" You can guess where he was going with that. He then asks me if I like country line dancing to which I answered, no I don't like dancing. Then he procedes to talk about how he is a member of this lodge (probably for seniors) and how he enjoys an occassional night out on the town. My reply was simple, oh I'm sure you will find someone there who will go out with you. He still didn't get it. Umm, ok. What's not to get? You are older than dirt, could be my grandpa, and smell like a funky old man. By this time, I'm just annoyed that he has taken time away from my shopping.

What is with older men going after women who are 20 years younger (or more in this guys case)? I could kinda see the attraction I suppose... Some women want someone who is finacially secure as well as secure in themselves and this tends to come only with age. Men want a woman who is young and fresh. A woman who will rely on him. He offers security, she offers beauty and youth.

Typically women do go for men who are older, but 20 years? That is a bit much. Even 10 years is a bit much.

Here is yet another reason NOT to date way older. Men typically go through their sexual prime early in life. Women go through this in their mid-thrities. So if older men are dating younger women, there is NO way they would be able to keep up, right? Not every man is Hugh Hefner. Or maybe they are, I don't know. I suppose this world would really be screwed if men began to go after cougars...

All in all, 6 years older is just right. Not too old, not too young.

Perfect.

John's blog to me

2006-01-31T00:19:00.000-05:00

It was here I found my destiny. Along the walkways of sadness and under the watch of a wailing banshee I managed to find an angel who I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Her spirit is a vast waterfall of beauty and she paints an image of true love on my soul. She is the angel whom I have longed for, she is the kindness I never knew.

She is the resilience of my existence and the mother of all I trust.

Her flowing black hair is as pure onyx and her eyes are as painted teardrops on a rose. She fills me with joys such as I've never experienced and with her I feel complete.

Her talent and artistic ways complete this rich tapestry of angelic beauty. Her dazzling figure is as a musicbox ballerina who is forever locked in a fanciful dance of the heavens. She never ceases to amaze me and just knowing her has been the highlight of my life.

She is truly the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I thank the lord that I have found her.

I hope you are well my angel and remember that I love you more than words can say. My heart is with you wherever you are and my arms still ache to hold you.

I pray that you are happy and I hope it remains unrelenting til time passes.

Bitching and moaning

2006-01-28T15:19:00.000-05:00

I cannot wait until I move. Then my problems will only be a phone call away, rather than in person.

A few things I've learned:

-Most people are selfish and only looking out for their own good (applies to many of my family members)

-Trust your instinct and go with it.

-Never let your guard down, because the minute you do, expect to be accused, blamed, and mislead.

-Stupidity... Land of the free? lmao

-Good deeds... yeah, they don't really matter (only to those who are doing the good deed b/c others will ALWAYS take advantage of your good will and not care about what you feel or think)

...and in case you were wondering, yeah I'm kinda cranky. :)

How sad is this?

2006-01-27T20:57:00.000-05:00

Pictures of the Abbey

2006-01-26T23:48:00.000-05:00

I promised that I would post pictures of my absolute favorite church, The Melk Abbey Church.

Here you see a picture of the alter. The colors are rich with the gold accents. However, you will notice that the mood changes depending on the amount of light or time of day.

This photo is showing part of the painted ceiling. Notice the difference from the first picture. There is more depth.

This is one of my favorite photos. As I sat in this church, I could have sat for hours on end just gazing at the ceiling. Absolutely gorgeous!

This photo is very dark. The picture must have been taken later in the day. You can see the detail in the alter.

I didn't include any pictures of the outside. It isn't that impressive. Austria... a beautiful country. Very scenic and the origin of "Mozart Balls." What's not to love?

Holy Smackers!!!!!!

2006-01-21T00:28:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it. I found it!!!!!

The last time I felt this, I was singing in Disney Hall. This is the church I have longed to see for almost 9 years. While on a tour of Italy and Austria, I came upon a church. A church so rich and beautiful. I sat down in this church and felt like I was home. That moment in time was engraved on my soul. Only one word can describe that feeling... Peace. I didn't remember where it was, what it was called or if I'd ever see it again. OMG. Yes, that is right. Oh My God. I found it. I am ecstatic. Now, it isn't much to look at from the outside. However, the inside is just breath taking! Pictures will be up soon, but they do not do it any justice.

All I can say is... Melk Abbey.

The Bachelor?

2006-01-17T00:08:00.000-05:00

The Bachelor, this reality television show which has caught the eye of many Americans, drives me nuts. Seriously, what is wrong with these people? "I am so beautiful," says one of the not so pretty girls (in my opinion). This program is so ridiculous that it is recoculous. All of these women are "falling" for this one guy. What happens if the girl doesn't really like the guy? Does she play the game still? Would the girl feel the same way about another Joe if he was presented to her?

Women are idiots! I will admit it. "This is the city of LOOOOOVE." Ok, get real lady. You are on a reality show. Whose heart will NOT be broken seems to be the theme they run with. I can hear the jeopardy theme playing in the back of my head.

There are many things that piss me off about these shows. Women have come so far in the last 50 years or so. We are more than just homemakers. We have brains and are treated as equals, at least moreso now than before.

"I'm that girl that like... ya know, like has the most to offer!"

Sure you do sweetheart, sure you do. Just keep jumping up and down with that low cut dress. He is definitely impressed with YOUR brain(s).

Of course I saved the best quote for last...

"My eggs are rotting!"

My eggs are rotting? What the hell is wrong with you? This woman needs to be smacked... let me get my frying pan.

Say What?

2006-01-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

How do people come up with some of these alcoholic drink names? Do the drinks really remind them of the name? Maybe the effects of the alcohol make them think of these things? I could sit here and play 20 questions all day long.

I had a conversation with two different people in one hour about various alcoholic drinks. What is interesting to note is that I did not begin any of these conversations. With that being said, I am left sitting here to ponder my drinking possibilities.

Here are some drinks and their recipes (many of which were NOT recently discussed):

"Buttery Nipple"
1 oz DeKuyper® Buttershots liqueur
1/2 oz Irish cream

"Blow Job"
1/4 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
Pour into shot glass, top with whip cream.

"Creamy Sex on the Beach"
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz Malibu® coconut rum
1/2 oz peach schnapps
1 1/2 oz pineapple juice
1 splash grenadine syrup
1 oz whipped cream
Shake vigorously until frothy.

"Sex on the Beach"
1 oz vodka
3/4 oz peach schnapps
cranberry juice
grapefruit juice

"Oral Sex on the Beach"
1 oz vodka
1 oz peach schnapps
1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
3 1/2 oz pineapple juice

"A Piece of Ass"
1 shot amaretto almond liqueur
1 shot Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
fill with sweet and sour mix

"Butt Plug (say what?!)"
6 oz Red Bull® energy drink
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur

"Dirty Sanchez (um, no way jose)"
1/3 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/3 oz Jose Cuervo® Especial gold tequila
1/3 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur

"Pink Poontang"
3/4 oz vodka
3/4 oz creme de bananes
3/4 oz creme de almond
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz sweet and sour mix

"Virgin Whore"
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz tequila
juice of 1/2 limes
1/2 oz apple juice
1/2 oz cranberry juice
2 drops red food coloring
2 drops blue food coloring
1 oz Kool-Aid® Lime mix

"White Cotton Panties"
1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
1/2 oz vanilla vodka

These are just a few drinks that I have heard of in my time. I didn't want to scare too many by putting the "XXX-rated" drinks in here. As I researched some of these drinks and recipes, my mouth dropped open and my eyes almost popped out of my head at some of these names. By the end of my alcohol research, I had to remind myself of what I was researching!

Even if I decided to order a specific drink on my list, how would I go about ordering them? For example, if I were to order "White Cotton Panties," do I say can I please have A "white cotton panties" or can I please have SOME "white cotton panties?" In doing this, will the bartender then make me only one drink if I ask for SOME? It seems like a confusing prossess. What happens if I ask for "Sex on the Beach" and I'm not in a bar, however, in a resturant with a full bar? How would I order? Can I please have "Sex on the Beach?" I also have to be careful in what tone I order this in... I once went out with my girlfriends and the waiter thought we were hitting on him! Um, NO! We just want "sex on the beach!"

Personally, I wouldn't order many of these drinks. I'd probably turn beet red! There is a time and a place for these things.... um, drinks. Yeah, that's what I mean... drinks. However, many of these will NOT be a part of my vocabulary...ie, "butt plug," "pink poontang," "dirty sanchez," and many more. How do they come up with these?

ps. "Virgin Whore?" WTF?

2006-01-10T23:46:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been reviewing my blog. Sometimes I wonder if I wrote all of these entries. It seems like years have passed, almost a lifetime. I have discovered the good and the bad. Yet, I still have yet to discover what I'm truly about.

I don't really have much to say anymore. Maybe it is bloggers block, maybe I'm just emotionless. I use to need to write things out... get the thoughts onto paper to understand exactly what I was thinking.

I've suffered much embarrassment in the recent weeks. I have never ever felt so low in my life. I am embarrassed that I do not have a job. I am embarrassed that I could not afford to buy gifts or send gifts to my family and friends. I know it is the thought that counts, but that is just me. The thought of going on welfare pisses me off. I am angry. My mother is in a position where she is handicapped and unable to work. She doesn't have much money coming in and is having to look into other ways of making ends meet. I am being dragged down into this. Why? Why should I consider welfare or government programs when I am perfectly capable of working? I am embarrassed that people even consider this. Yes I realize that there are some cases where people cannot work or they do not make enough to support family. These people then turn to the government to supplement their income. I understand in this case. I, on the other hand am perfectly capable of making a living for myself. People who work the system because they are lazy are assholes.

In recent days, I have discovered that the court appointed me legal custodian of my nephew. Surprise!!! Not that I haven't been taking care of him thus far, but talk about a wake-up call! I would have thought the judge would have told me in court, but eh... why not surprise me. I guess in my case the stork did fly in. Luckily, I know that the next court date is coming up at the end of March and my brother is working his butt off to get his son back. This is the way it should be.

I've learned that my mother speaks badly about me to her friends. Apparently she tells these people that I am the one who needs counseling. As I woke up from a nap, I overheard her saying these things. Our relationship is in the fucking toilet and I asked her to seek help so that we can work on it... together. What does she do? She tells others that she doesn't have the problem. She is perfect (in her eyes) and I am the one who is screwed up. At this point, I am only trying to prevent our relationship from ending. I'd rather not just give up and walk away but I am being pushed in that direction. Counseling seems to be the only way to salvage what is left of it. Then I overhear this. Fuck that. I don't want to fight all the time. Fighting is not a way of life, at least it certainly isn't mine. I never said that "she" needs counseling. I said "we" need counseling. I'm tired of pushing this. I gotta just drop it and move on.

People irritate me. :(

This too shall pass.

2006-01-02T00:01:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year 2006!

It certainly was a tough year. I'm certainly glad it is behind me. My future seems bright. My hopes are high. What will come?

I finally took a break. Yes... I stole alway for a day and a half. I certainly needed it, that is for damn sure. I spent New Years with my other half laughing and talking about various girly things. Sometimes I would be startled by my own laugh because it feels like I had buried it so deep inside for so long. Emotions have run very high in this house I no longer really call home. I finally took a step in the right direction.... music will be next.

I guess I'm generalizing what has been going on. Things have hit bottom around here. I'm starting to vocalize what I want now. And I'm no longer taking no for an answer. I should be doing twentysomething things in my twenties. I don't want to be fourty before I'm 25!!!!

I've been crying on the inside for so long, that it finally came out. I'm facing it... all of it. I need to move on.

Everyone who knows me knows that I don't care about New Year's resolutions. It really isn't my cup of tea. The majority of the time it is something you feel obligated to do because your bestfriend swore she would go to the gym everyday or lose 50lbs. So, When people ask you what your resolution is, typically you answer with something you really haven't though about or care to deeply about. At least that is my prior experience.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I want to be proud of who I am. I'm tired of waiting for things to fall into my lap. I want to make things happen. I'm sick and tired of complaining. Sick of IT! Who the hell wants to listen to my negativity? Why should I complain when I should be grateful for the things that have happened. I never would have known...

We wonder about things. I wonder, what if? All of my what ifs have been answered. What would happen if I gave more? What would happen if my mother died? What would happen if I had to take care of a sick person 24/7? What if I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders? What would happen if... So many things have happened. SO many questions have been answered.

I feel like I've had to grow up suddenly.... I went from being 24 to being 60.

I am more lost than ever before, but at least I know I can begin again.

The possibilities...

2005-12-17T01:50:00.000-05:00

I got so damn emotional over the stupidest thing tonight. WTF?

Women vs Hormones

I absolutely hate that I can watch an adorable comercial with cute animals or people hugging... something ridiculous like that... and I feel like tears are welling up in my eyes. Mind you this doesn't happen all of the time, but when it does, it hits you like a sack of bricks. I hate that I get pissed off at the most idiotic things and not realize what I am doing. My bestfriend Lans use to call me on it when I went through a mood. "You're in a bitchy mood, huh?" And I'd hate to admit it,but I was and for what reason? There is no reason other than the damn freak'n hormones. However, can I blame the hormones without taking responsibility? Hardly.

When I was growing up, I had this picturesque life planned out. I would have my doctorate by the time I was 28, I'd enjoy sleeping in on Saturdays and not have to worry about anyone else's life but my own. I would live life carefree and have the support of my family, but not have to answer to them. I would dream of going to a job I'd enjoy, all the while putting some money in the bank to buy my first house. I'd have a dependable car, my cats and quite possibly a caring significant other. But the one idea and feeling that sticks out the most is that of peace. Waking up without worry. Having happiness, for myself as well as those around me. I guess it could still happen, it just seems so far out of my reach.

I got a job offer in the music field starting in 2007. I just don't want to settle here. So I doubt I will take it or even look into it more. Am I just ungrateful? Am I chasing a dream that might never happen? I guess I'll find out.

a note

2005-12-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

It is December 15. Only ten days until Christmas. How exciting is this? I've gone out driving around looking at Christmas lights with my family. We've got the "ooooos" and the "ahhhhhs" echoing throughout the car. The best one comes from the back seat though..."nice," states bradford matter of factly. Oy, what have I done to this child? :)

My shopping is very limited this year. Seeing as I have no bank account and I spent the majority of my savings to move up here. In fact, my sister is getting a nice hug and a visit from me on her Birthday. I've given her money over the past few months when she didn't have anything, so I'm pretty sure she will understand. I'll have to take her out when I start looking for a job again. I'm kicking myself for not taking that part-time job a while back.

My Mom is definitely driving me bananas. It is about enough to drive anyone to the mental institution. Seriously, I'm going to change much of the way I would parent my children... that is if I have them. We've gotten in fights where I am literally screaming in her face at the top of my lungs and she still does not listen to ANYTHING I say. There is really no point. So I made her promise that she would go to counseling. Took almost an hour to get her to say she would go. Can you believe that? Oy...gimme a break

I think I'm just going to move to Salzburg where I can put my hair in braids and wear suspenders with my shorts. Maybe I'll take up the art of yodeling.... pick up some german...

Ah, what am I talking about? lol, Austrians don't do any of that.... well maybe the yodeling part and the german. I have to believe that they wander up the mountain and yodel from the top of their lungs, all the while spinning in circles and singing songs from the sound of music... yes, that is a wonderful thought.

On to a different note, I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt about my past. It wasn't a bad dream, only very strange. Obviously a few people in this dream made "asses" of themselves, but it wasn't a huge deal anymore. Eh, I'm no longer angry about anything from my past. Maybe that is why it wasn't a big deal in my dream. I wonder why I thought about it...

Recovered Memories

2005-12-14T01:03:00.000-05:00

Friday night spaghetti dinners were a weekly gathering for my "Family" when I was young. My mom, along with our family friends would relax after a long week for TGIF. I grew up amoung other single parents. It was always the moms and kids. The moms would talk and laugh over a glass of wine, while the kids played hide and seek or soaked in the hot tub for hours on end. It's no wonder we didn't cook ourselves to death! It was always a good time.

Our Friday night events soon turned into fun filled camping trips. We'd sit around a campfire and sing songs while one of the Moms played the guitar. We roasted marshmallows, got filthy dirty and hiked all over the place. I remember it almost like yesterday, even though I had blocked it out for a while.

My mind is wandering... I remember throwing my Mom a big 50th Birthday party. I bought a HUGE cake, served wine, picked a specific menu and invited 25 of my Mom's closest friends. It was a reunion. The "Moms" had taken a break from each other for some unknown reason. Almost two years had gone by before we actually got together again. After that party, they began to speak more often and by Christmas time, we were sharing laughs and gifts again. I remember it being a sad time though. One of the Cindys had cancer. But we were all very hopefully. She still seemed very vibrant and her voice was still as loud as before. She always had a loud voice.

I had a dream the other night. It sparked much of these thoughts, mainly because I had trouble remembering them and had to really fight with myself to recall them. My Mom helped fill me in on the details I seemed to have blocked out.

My Mom became a very dedicated friend. She took her friend to the doctor and spent the time with the family. My Mom was the one who was with her when she found out that the cancer was surrounding her heart and lungs and she didn't have but days to live. It was my Mom who sat in the room while she told her two children of the news. And it was the Moms who gathered in the emergency room days before her passing.

The Moms have gone through some tough times together. They battled sickness, death, lost love, children, the battle to raise and provide for their children alone. It was in these times that a bond was formed. Not a friendship bond, but one of love, respect, and admiration... a bond so strong, it became family.

I remember the funeral. I recall seeing the "children" support this "Mom" one last time as they carried her out of the catholic church. I don't know what smell was stronger, that of insense or pot.... but I suppose we deal with it as best we can.

As I sat there tonight amoungst all of these women, minus my Mom (she was not feeling well), I found myself laughing and enjoying myself. However, I am not that kid anymore. I am, what I suppose you might call, a "mom." We have all suffered together, we all have stuggled. They have been supportive of me 100% and I know that if I didn't have anything, they would hold their hand out to me. That is family. It gives me hope.

I'M DONE

2005-11-18T13:56:00.000-05:00

Here I am... can't even compose myself if I tried.

First I was in pergatory, but officially
Hell begins now.

I received 3 phone calls today telling me that my mother is being discharged from the hospital. Not because the doctor says she is in good enough condition to come home, but because her health insurance can no longer pay. Guess what? Guess who is going to be the nurse and care taker now? So, being depressed 2 hours a day when I went to visit her is not enough. Now I can be unhappy and depressed all day long!!!! So in addition to caring for a baby who isn't mine, I have a depressed, sick mother who cannot care for herself.

So lets get this straight... I have very little money in the bank, no car because I gave it away and moved up here, no job, a half crazed family who I can't lean on even if I had to...

This is such a sad thought...

I've been more upset today than when my mother had the cardiac arrests and I thought she was going to die.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to her. I feel guilty for feeling that, but its true. I don't fucking care. I'm angry, angry because I'm guilted for doing this, no, furious is more like it. So much so, I could leave and say fuck it all and not have anything to do with any of them anymore. What is a family who makes you feel awful about yourself, who guilts you into doing things and plays mind games with you. Why even bother with a family? I have to stick next to them because they are my family? When they are driving me to have a mental break down? God says you should stick by your loved ones. Well, fuck that. Sure, Let me just turn half crazied like them... I feel like I already am. I'm never going to be normal or even happy if I stay here. My life is going to pass me by and I'm going to turn into the fucking grinch. What is important here? I don't care about much of anyone anymore. That baby is the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. Luckily, I believe my brother is FINALLY able and willing enough to have him and love him.

I guess one good thing... My brother finally stepped up yesterday in court.

"I am willing to do anything and everything to get full custody of my son back." And for once, I believe it was very heart felt. Half the battle is won.

What do I do now? WHere do I go? Do I continue to stay here where I will never get better? Do I stay in this cloud of negativity or get out? How do I do I go about this? With what? So many questions, so few possiblities. Music barely means anything to me anymore, family means absolutely nothing, and my sense of self worth is in the toilet. Hmm, what's next?

She has sooooo many bills that are unpaid... there are stacks of them that I haven' even opened because she cannot pay them. She has enough to get her by for necessities and housing payments, but not enough to pay these bills. So she will give me shit about dealing with her finances too. When I'm just trying to stay alive here, support this baby.. bring her the damn cookies and crap she asks for every other day. And I will get shit for this. I just want to tell her to fuck off and deal with her own shit. It isn't my problem anymore. She isn't my problem.

I'm done.

Starting the Defusion Process

2005-11-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

I've finally come up with a plan of attack. I've been sitting here living a life I don't want to live. I've taken on many responsibilities and created many of my own. I've also created a monster.

Let me begin by saying that depression is contagious. It is like a bad germ waiting to crawl in and take over. Dealing with someone you love who has severe depression can be a nightmare.

This is a battle.

I have discovered that by wanting to help my mother, I have only put her deeper into her depression. Had Bradford not been involved, the best choice for me and her would have been to stay away. However, Brad complicated things. So I felt the need to help my mother in the same way. Why is she always so negative? Why does she always purposely say things to hurt me? Why can't she just listen to me? Why doesn't she want to be helped?

So many questions, yet only one answer.

Depression is a very difficult illness to overcome. If you have someone who is very close to you who has depression, chances are, you will become even more depressed. You would think the opposite in this case... there is someone who is very loving to attend to the person and help them get out of their depression.
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
Can I stress this enough? Of course I want to help my Mother. Let's your spouse was severly depressed, you would want to do everything in your power to help them, right? Of course, for sickness and in health, am I right?

There is only one issue. The person who wants to help, will probably end up in the same boat as the depressed person they are helping. Why? One word... Fusion

The more often I help a person who seems ungrateful or unaccepting of my help, the more I will feel angry and resentful. This is human nature. I have realized this a while back. I have made many mental notes... get out before you resent her and get so angry you don't want any kind of relationship with her. Too late. Unfortunately, human nature works in my subconcious too. I am very angry with her. I do have feelings of resentment... and these feelings stem back to when I was growing up. I resent the fact that she puts limitations on me as an adult. Who is to blame? Only me. I let it happen. But I also didn't know how to not let it happen. When you are young and your parents are the major influence in your life, it is difficult to break away from that. Being able to stand your ground and say,
"look, I'm an adult. I make my own decisions now. Yes, I may take your opinion into consideration, but I will make a decision I feel is best for me." I could never say that. I had feelings of GUILT... what if she feels I am abandoning her? What if I hurt her by saying this? The truth is, no one has the right to control you and make you constantly feel bad about your decisions and your life. NO ONE!

Depression... My Mother has suffered from depression possibly her whole life. I remember happy times, but I also remember all of the low times, especially the last few years. I rarely had a nice phone conversation. This depressed me... even though I was 350 miles away, I was still depressed by her and her situation. And to find out that I only fueled the depression sets me back.

More recently (past year or so), I did everything I could to stay positive and happy. I didn't want to be unhappy who does? So I latched myself onto whatever I had associated with positive thoughts hoping it would rub off on me and tried to run away from the things I had associated with the negativity.

The Solution

This is probably going to be the most difficult part. It is called Defusion. When I am around my mother, I say unintentional hurtful things. This is my anger and resentment coming out. I don't always have control over it. Especially if the sparks begin to fly. If she says something like... "You could never understand" or "you don't know what it is like" etc... she's throwing out a spark. This makes me more angry when she says this stuff. It feels like she is accusing me. So of course I get defensive which then makes her defensive. Then the sparks are flying and soon there will be an explosion. There have been many occasions where I've blown up. I mean... BLOWN UP. I've never EVER reacted toward anyone in that way. It was bad. I cursed at my own mother... I mean REALLY CURSED.

So the solution is not easy. I must begin to apply myself in other areas, avoid this fusion, and learn to make me happy again. I have to distance myself from her, but not completely take myself out of the situation because that would also hurt the relationship. How do I do that? I have to avoid any argument. If the conversation gets heated and the sparks could fly, I must change the subject or simply say, "I do not want to talk about this right now because I am upset and angry." I have to spend less time going there. Visit her 4 times a week instead of 6 or 7. This is the most difficult for me to do. She is so controling. It almost feels like an addiction... my guilt goes away for a little while if I visit her.

It stops here.

I am determined to find my own happiness again. My OWN happiness. So it begins with the court date tomorrow. It begins with me pulling away from my Mother. It begins with me.

Whatcha think'n about?

2005-11-14T01:26:00.000-05:00

I'm in an odd state right now. I feel completely at ease... I would almost describe it as a peaceful state. These are some of the thoughts running through my head:

People who love the most are afraid to show it because they've been hurt so badly.

Mental illness is the most difficult illness to deal with.

Cats with six toes are strange.

"Baby hose" is NOT an appropriate name for a private part.... where do they learn these things?

I give great advice. Too bad I don't follow it!

Purple slipper socks keep my feet nice and toasty. :)

Glazunov is an interesting composer.

Every man needs to watch Don Juan DeMarco.

Hitch is a funny ass movie(saw it for the 4th time)and let me just say that Will Smith can rock my world any day/night.

yeah...

Sometimes all you want is...

2005-11-13T01:30:00.000-05:00

a beverage of choice....

mmmmmmm, milkshake!

Turned Around

2005-11-10T14:14:00.000-05:00

After dealing with hundreds of thousands of dollars in insurance claims today, I must go hold the hand of a person who is too scared to do anything by herself anymore. A simple dentist appointment, 2 blocks from where she lives... a ride already provided, yet I have to go and sit in the waiting room so I can hold her hand? F*&^$$*&^*JNNDCLKJNCDLKSDF(*SD^F*^$&WA$^WEGBRNBFGI*&@#$HJB$ETz v883489 0b

That's how I feel. :) Sit on the keyboard and let your ass spell it out... yep.. thats how I feel.

On another note, I'm beginning to think my cat Tabitha is bulemic (sp?).

Don Juan DeMarco... Good movie. I'm gonna watch it again.

Prince of Tides theme is my all time favorite movie theme.... the joys of dancing with my babycakes.

Yesterday I asked myself, what's the point of all this friggin bullshit in my life? Seriously... what is the point?

... and then I realized what the reason was... all the anguish, all the negativity... I take it for one reason... only one reason

Everything I am going through is because I put myself here. I have no room to complain because it was my decision. Even though I bitch and complain and blame circumstance for this life I am living, I have to remember that it was my decision that brought me here. And only me.... well, maybe God

I chose to stay here too. If I wanted out, I could easily get out. I could leave and never look back.

Dispite what everyone of my friends tell me, family and anyone else who cares to give me a load of advice... it comes down to me.

I guess the thought that has been on my mind for oh what, 11 months now, is will this little one be mine? Will his parents not stand up and take responsibility? And will I be given the rights to this baby? I'll I want to know is ... now or never? I am happy with my decision. I will continue to care for this little one, but I need to know now... am I gonna have him or not? I want to start making plans and I need to know if those plans will include a plus one.

Never will Auntie rest. I was sitting on the couch the other night watching my program and he comes over to me, grabs my hand and tries to pull me up. "Dance Momma,dance" he yells at me. How could I refuse a dance proposal? Do you see what I've started? Oy vey...

All by myself

2005-11-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

I'm going to write about my ideal vacation. Take myself on a journey far away from my current life where I don't seem to have any control.

I don't know where to begin. I can imagine walking in the snow, bundled up like a little snow angel, my viola in a snow case on my back. I'd walk aimlessly by myself drinking a cup of hot chocolate as I window shopped during the holiday season. Faces seemed to light up at the decorations. Clouds are in the sky and moonlight is pouring through. Being able to feel complete, all by myself.

I love family. I love togetherness. I treasure my alone time. I want to be independent again? Was I ever independent? Was I ever allowed to be? I don't want to be made to feel guilty for living anymore. Living in anyway that I choose. There is a difference between living your own life, and living partially in your own and someone elses. I've never just taken off. Everything I've done is to please others. I didn't go out of state to college, hell I didn't even apply because the choke chain around my neck was too tight from my mother. I've finally figured out why my family fell apart. My brother cannot even think for himself now because my mother never allowed him to. He was never strong enough to stand his ground. Now I am beginning to go down that path. I am not responsible for anyone's happiness... temporarily for my nephew, but otherwise, I am not to be held resposible. I guess the conclusion I have come to is this... I am here for a reason. I am helping my family to build a stronger bond, become stronger beings and to live their own lives and be able to build their own happiness. I will not spend a lifetime pleasing a family that cannot be pleased.

Maybe my ideal vacation isn't just a vacation. Maybe it is a way of living.

Happy Anniversary to ME!!!

2005-11-05T01:40:00.000-05:00

That's right folks, it is my anniversary today. It has been one full year of blogging fun. There are many things I've learned since I began writing, and most definitely a few lessons learned. So, I'd like to post a blog about my year in review. I will include some of my favorite blogs, some of which I have learned tremedously from, and some silly entries. Get ready, get set, go!

1.) Very first entry!!!!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Love is blind?
Love is a funny thing. It comes in all shapes and forms. Its interesting how people can write off others so easily. Especially in the dating process. I've noticed that most of us look only at the exterior, then eventually to what is on the inside. You know the deal, you go to a club or party. Get all prettied up to scope out the hottest guys (or girls) that are there. If they past that test, then maybe they can move on to the next phase. Its so idiotic....all a part of the dating game. Yes, the dating game is so much fun. I went to a party last week and had a fantastic time getting to know people...from what i remember, i was pretty darn tipsy. Ok, i was hammered beyond belief. So, this brings me back to the subject of love. Love can be blind, so I've heard. You are so wrapped up in your own little world of "happiness" you don't manage to see what is going on around you. Ok, sometimes this can be good, especially if you are both in this zone together. Can love be that blind? Or do we just fool ourselves....we know, but won't admit things about what is really going on in the world.

Lately i've been getting in touch with the dream world. It is amazing how so many of your thoughts come out in your dreams, yet most people don't pay attention to them. If you begin to really pay attention to what is goign on in your dreams, and how they can relate to your life, its really interesting how your subconscious begins to speak to you. The ideas that scared me most seemed to come out in my dreams all of the time. My subconscious wouldn't let me not deal with the situations. So, I don't think love is blind. Not entirely.

2.) funny, yet very very sick

Wednesday, November 10, 2004
A funny thought occured to me. Ever go driving and then look over at the person in the next car, only to notice that they are picking their nose. Now, this isn't a little pick, they are really just going at it. My bestfriend and I were trying to figure out what people do with it. I know I know, sounds totally disgusting and yes it is completely disgusting, but isn't it more disgusting to know that they just flick that shit in their car? The thing is, everyone has done it. So, this leads me to my next thought. Do some people do this out of habit? I remember an old teacher of mine would leave the school everyday at the same time, and just as he would turn a certain corner (I know this because I would wait for my ride) he would pick his nose. It was so gross and I remember thinking, YUCK! So, I do believe that most nose pickers do it out of habit.

3.)The things people do

Thursday, November 11, 2004
The things people do in elevators
So, recently I was standing in an elevator by myself. It was a only a short ride, but I got a sudden itch on my boob and sometimes you just have to scratch it. So later, long after I had gotten out of the elevator, I remembered a conversation between close friends and my younger sister. We were discussing whether or not they put cameras in the elevator. You know, I didn't even think about this when I went to scratch my itch....but im sure other people have done much worse! Actually I know that people have done worse. It kinda makes you wonder if the security people have fun with that stuff. I know if I were in that position, I would be laughing constantly at the bloopers they probably keep on hand.

As for my day, I found out at 10pm that I was suppose to work today...opps. I can't believe that I would completely forget about a shift. This is not like me! I usually dont work thursdays and I haven't thought all week that i had to work today. Ahhhh....I hope they don't fire me. The one day I go some where and forget to take my phone! One thing I have learned though, don't shop in heels. Especially if you are going to spend four hours in a mall! Ladies...we are going dancing this Saturday and hopefully a VIP on the guest list. We will wait and see. Good times, good times.

4.)Grrrrrrrrace

Grace: Something that I don't have, but think I do.
This has been a great day, for the most part. I woke up late, snuggled under my two blankets, comforter, and sheet. There is just something about waking up when there is absolutely nothing to do. So, I jumped in the shower after I decided to meet up with my friend Quyen at the mall to look for CFM boots, otherwise known as Come Fuck Me boots. All you men out there, be warned. Every girl has a pair of come fuck me shoes. They are the super high stiletto shoes that say, "here I am." Ok, maybe not every girl, but the ones who like to go out. Shit, even my bestfriend has a pair! After I bought my new shoes (two pair!), I also got an awesome halter satin shirt....I'll be dance'n in that one. So, I'm with my friend in the car and she decides to let me off on the side street. Ok, well there is a red zone there and I think I have discovered why it is a red zone. I'm getting really excited about getting all of my new things out of the back seat and I said my goodbyes to Quyen and swung my ass around really fast. Well, I turned so fast that I didn't see the pole that hit my face. The pole made a loud bang and began to wobble. If that wasn't bad enough, I just found out that when I went back to the car to tell my friend that I had hit my face on the pole, she immediately saw the evidence. There was a huge chalk mark across my face! She was laughing so hard and I ended up just walking away laughing, so she never told me! Ah, im not graceful whatsoever! SHit, and if that wasn't bad enough, This happened last week too! She parked in the same damn place, except I didn't hit my face, only my arm. Needless to say QUYEN you are not allowed to park there!

Another incident happened a couple of weeks ago. I was walking to school to meet up with a friend when this hispanic guy stopped at the light and proceded to make cat calls. Well, I was obviously bothered by it and when I walked in front of his car (I was in the crosswalk), I triped over my own feet. To make matters worse, he commented on my graceful act.

Have you ever noticed that when you are alone and something happens like this, you get really embarrassed. But when you are with your friends, you laugh at yourself? Imagine you are in a store and you trip and fall to the ground. You can't exactly laugh at yourself, because people will think you are crazy! However, when you are with your friends and the same thing happens, it makes more sense to laugh about it and make a joke.

On to a more sad note, so I came to the realization today that my brother can be a complete fucking asshole. He treated my mother like shit and does things on purpose to make her life miserable. My mother has worked her ass off her entire life. She raised and supported both my brother and I, all the while giving us things when she didn't have the money! My father was a complete ass too and it seems that my brother has gone to him more than the honest and decent people in his life. It is so sad. Especially since he is only hurting his own son. It just really hurts to see or hear as I did today, my Mom cry. I will never do that to my mom. It is just something you don't do. I'm just grateful I'm like my mom in that sense. If I had heard him say those things to my mother man......gosh that angers me. I probably would have decked him. And I don't get angry very often. Upset, maybe a little, but never really angry.

And a happy note to end this, I was looking through this box that my mother sent home with my bestfriend and there was all sorts of cool shit. I then opened this bag and there was this card set...I was kinda surprised. It was called Love: Truth or Dare. I opened it up, hoping that it might have some crazy fun in it, only to find out that it is a weird game that you play with a group of people....nothing crazy or kinky at all..Now, wat is the fun in that? I guess I am kinda glad my mom didn't buy me something like that. I might get a little worried.

5.)Say what? Yes, I'm obsessed with spreading holiday cheer!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004
how do i make it hard?
So my bake fest went very well. I watched my holiday movies and baked lots of goodies. I baked 15 small loaves of Zuchini and pumpkin breads, two large loaves of Zuchini and I still have a few more batches that I will whip up tomorrow night so it will be fresh when I take it home to my mom. But, there was a slight problem with my toffee. You see, I made this new recipe....well, this morning when i went to go do my taste test the shit was kinda soft....not like it should be. I am so frustrated! It has good flavor, but I don't know how to make it hard! hehe If anyone has any tips for making it hard, please feel free to let me know. I am puzzled...

I'm off to deliver the baked goods now....

6.)Bag pipes and me between a womans legs? wah?

Sunday, December 12, 2004
A WILD weekend
This weekend has been sooooo much fun! On Friday night I ended up playing for this outside Christmas gathering at some apartment building. The highlight was the bag pipes! I wish I could play the bag pipes. Either that or the organ. The two parents on the music family. I ended up having a couple of drinks there after I played. It was nice to see some of the old people I use to hang out with. I then went to a very cozy video game dinner party. I will admit it now, that I really really suck at video games. It's too much to take in for this slow brain. We had great drinks and good company. Thanks Quyen! I did have a slight hang over though when I went to work the next morning!

Last night was wild. I ended up with a bunch of girls at City Walk. We went to Howl at the Moon. By the time we got there, it was about 12:30 so I didn't have much time to accomplish what I had gone there to do....drink drink drink! Well, the bartender seemed to like us and gave us a few free drinks....strong ass drinks. I can't tell you how many I had. I was a little surprised at the way they did shots. This little hooter's girl carrying drinks comes up to us and asks if we want a shot of southern comfort. Everyone was like yeah, maybe....so my dumbass gets my money out real quick. I noticed she had a large bottle of whip cream and thought she would just put a little on top. So she tells me she has to put the tray down and then she jumps on the bar. So, at this point I look like an idiot cause I don't know whats going on. Well, I was already almost completely drunk, so I was game for pretty much anything. So this girl is sitting on the bar and she says, "come here." I was a little standoffish, but I did it anyway. She then wraps her legs around me and pulls me up against her. She tilts my head back, pores whip cream in my mouth and then the shot. Mind you, she has her bossom in my face! That my friends is the closest I will ever come to a lesbian experience! Not for me....the girls were just laughing at me and the guys seemed to look all the more because it appeared that I seemed to be the only fucking girl in the bar to get a shot from this girl....ok, now im more educated on this shit....so when that chip'n dales guy comes up to me and wants to give me a shot, I'll be ready....wow, i just realized how perverse that was. I was also very impressed with the drunken games. They had two people, a girl and a guy get up on the stage. They did the whole, head...shoulders, knees and toes thingy. EXCEPT, for the girls it was boobs and butt, boobs and butt. The guy was nuts and butt. The guy took that one a little too far by flashing, but it was all good. I also seemed to go blind when I'm drunk....Jennifer Love Hewitt passed by, right in front of me several times and I didn't catch her. So, as my night came to an end, we all ended up back at my friends apartment where we entertained the neighbors with loud Christmas carols and I think I fell of the couch a few times. My friend, we'll just call him P Fo came to the rescue when we were starving at 3:30am. Good times good times. Tune in to next weeks program.......

7.)That's right bitch. You know it! hehe

Sunday, January 30, 2005
The CONCERT
So I spent most of Saturday morning in search for a long black skirt. Most normal people can find a floor length black skirt, but me? I was looking for a week! Luckily I found one. I also found another new pair of shoes...yeah yeah, I know I need another pair of new shoes just like I need a hole in my head. Well, the shoes looked nice, but I was cursing the day I bought them because I felt like I was gonna die during the performance. I must say I did look pretty good though...very professional.

So we arrived at Disney Hall very early. I chatted with a few of the older ladies singing. We then rehearsed a few sections before going on. When I sat down in Disney I looked down at the viola section and could definately picture myself playing there. That is something I never really pictured myself doing before.....THEN I realized that I wasn't going to play the viola last night...I was singing and I got so freaked out. My heart began to race (probably not a good thing that I drank a venti coffee from starbucks right before), I began to sweat a little, and my hands started to shake. AH! I was a wreck! Then the movement started and I was fine. I sang ok. NOt the greatest, but it was a pretty good start. I was cursing at my shoes though around the third movement. With no place to sit down in the piece, I had to stand in those goddamn shoes for a fucking hour. I thought I would die. But the concert went ok. Not the greatest concert ever done, but not the worst. Overall, I SANG WITH THE LA PHIL!!!! So, it was good! I was floating on cloud nine all day yesturday!

8.)Call me a pervert and say what you will...but I'm still right on this one.

Monday, February 21, 2005
are you kidding me? 4%?
This weekend was strange!!! Today kinda sucked. I was irritated by everyone and everything for most of the day. I just wanted to go home and be by myself. I'm not usually like that. I don't want to say it is PMS either because I like to think that I am perfect and don't go through that shit. I'm sure that is far from the truth. Needless to say, I came out of my irritated mood later in the day. My evening was nice. I hung out with a lot of friends who I don't get to see that often. We also had an interesting conversation. WOW....

To start, let me just say that all of this started from a magazine article. It spoke about self love, in other words, masterbation. Basically it read, most men do this kind of love'n at least a few times a week. According to a few of my men friends who were present during this conversation, that is the understatement of the year! Most men, according to them, do this act at least 10 times a week if not more. The funniest part about the article was when it compared masterbation to trimming the hairs in your nose. You know everyone does it, and it is just another task to attend to. It's just an added bonus that it happens to be enjoyable! Ok...nose hair compared to wacking off.....just doesn't seem right to me. The article also pointed out that 4% of men don't give themselves any self love'n at all. UM, there is no way that is true. There must be some stupid people out there to actually think women are going to believe that one...and 4% too! Ok, I'm guessing that ratio is more like .05%! According to the article,man has his arms at crotch level for a reason....I think they are right! What a kick! Definately a good source of entertainment for the evening!

I was able to have a few drinks with my bestfriend this weekend. Ang has never gotten drunk with me before, ever! We had so much fun! We ended up coming home, wasted and hungry. So she baked cookies while I made tamales at 2am!! Then we made a few calls, laughed a few laughs, and went to bed. All I can say is, I had a great time!!

9.)What I want, who I am, how I came to be who I am...
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Wednesday
This day hasn't been your typical Wednesday. I had a really nice conversation with my Aunt (mom's sister). My aunt was a merit scholar in her younger years and has lived an interesting life. She married my uncle at an early age and they traveled together in their younger years. They didn't have children until they had been married almost 10 years. She asked me how being "a mother" was going. I am far from a mother, but I am currently taking care of my 17month old nephew. My reply was simple.......I'm not going to be a mother for a very long time! It is a great responsibility and one that I certainly am not ready to get into. As she spoke about her life, she said that she and her husband have enjoyed their two children, but now that the baby is almost out of the house, they are rekindling what the use to have before they ever had children. They do more couple things, travel a little, and make time for each other. I realized at this point that I am similar to my aunt. I would like to live a little before having children, and I definately hope to have what she has with her husband down the line. However, I do want a career. I want to be successful and live up to my potential. Yet, I do want to be able to spend my time with that someone. I want to be an individual and independent. At the same time, I want to be able to share that with the people that are special in my life. Accomplishments mean absolutely nothing if you can't share them with others. Everything that I do may satisfy myself, but they don't mean a damn thing if you can't share them. When I get excited about something, the first person I usually tell is my Mom or my close friends. I guess that is the reason I am away from my home caring for my family at the moment. Your love for your family is unconditional, even when they are sick or just being a pain in the ass. I have my life, but what good would it be if I couldn't be there for the people that mean the most to me? I certainly didn't want to be here, but I know that I wouldn't be the person I am without these people. I guess I am just showing my gratitude by giving a little love, time and patience. Everything happens for a reason.

Watching someone you love become ill and change from the person you once knew is probably the most difficult thing to deal with. My Grandfather was a pretty good guy. He was laid back and always did what my grandma("Momma") said. I can still hear him chuckle while he would sneak cookies out of the kitchen, "oh it's good for you" he would say. But seeing cancer take him away from the person he was, was in fact the most difficult thing for me. He didn't recogize me when I visited him. His death was difficult too, but knowing there was no more suffering somehow eased the pain of his loss. My Mom use to run around like a chicken with her head cut off. I swear, the woman would never sit down. She was an ER nurse for many years and supervized the nursing staff for years. Now she can't take care of herself. This isn't suppose to happen now. I'm only 23 and she is 55. Fuck, even my grandma is still living a great life. I'm a fairly religious catholic and yet I cannot say one prayer...I can't even think it. I am able to ask others to pray, but I can't....I can't seem to say the words and I don't know why. I show absolutely no emotion when I visit the hospital and I kept wondering why today. I must have sat there for 3 hours, giving only simple answers and nodding. What will come?

10.)"Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left."
Thursday, April 21, 2005
"When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving
you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to
you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left."

When I read this, I immediately thought about my father. He walked away....twice. You can't make someone stay that isn't there...who leaves, whether it be in mind or body. If someone cuts off communication to you...or just stops communicating with you, you can't make them come back to you.

Everything from my father, to Erick (my exboyfriend), to my brother. You can't make them communicate with you or open up to you if they aren't willing. And I've discovered that there isn't a damn thing wrong with walking away from it all. Que sera, sera. If they were meant to be in my life, they would be in it....no questions. So, with that being said, I can easily put an end to that chapter in my life. It is kinda like reading a book. I'm wondering what will happen next....what will be? As I move through more chapters, what will come? The truth is, none of us know. Only God knows. "Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left." I think I'm finally ready.

11.)Music and dance
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
if you cant dance a sarabande, you can't play it!
I know how to waltz and salsa, but do I know how to dance to the dance suites of Bach? My answer is no. SOOOOOOOO, my goal is to learn. Arthur Loesser, a pianist and scholar once asked, "Do you know how to dance the movements of this (Bach) partita?"

"It might help you to understand each movement's character if you did. Let me demonstrate." The man actually got up and danced!

We have been trying to perform Bach in the way that performers of Bach's time would play. However, Bach was head of his time. If he were given the instruments of our time, I believe, along with Pablo Casals, that Bach intended for his music to be played uncensored and from the heart. There is already a difference in your sound if you are playing on an instrument made in the 1950s. Not everyone dances the same to a waltz. There is specific foot work to the dance, but there is freedom within. Why can't I play the opening to Bach's third cello suite with passion and fire if I have the basic foot work? Blame it on Casals if I play with too much passion!

Pablo Casals once told Arnold Steinhartz a story about a gypsy. Casals sat down in a resturant and was immediately recognized by this gypsy. The gypsy then honored him by playing Bach's G minor Solo Sonata. Casals told Steinharzt that "it was the most fiery, the freest Bach [he] had ever heard. Also the best. This gypsy had none of our fears and inhibitions about what to do or not do in Bach. He played uncensored and from the heart (Indivisible by Four, Arnold Steinhartz)."

My conclusion is...I can't play Bach yet!! I've studied his works for years and I still don't get it. Chance are, it will be a life long lesson. Tom Tatton once told me a story about a violist who was studying the six cello suites. I can't remember which great violist it is...so I won't mention the name just in case I step all over it.....anyways, this violist had been studying the suites for years...I'm talking decades. Everyone thought that he was by far one of the best teachers and performers of these suites. One day he was heard practicing these suites and was asked, "how are the cello suites coming along?" The old man, of 65 or 70 replied, "I think I'm beginning to understand them." I'm only 24....Bach and I have a lifetime ahead of us! My goal is to learn how to dance a Sarabande today....cause you can't play it until you know how to dance to it! :)

12.)the beginning...
here we go... hold on to your seats! It's a long one.
Ok, am I a little stressed right now? Maybe. Here is just a little glimpse of what can piss me off and turn me into a cranky person. My little nephew is being cared for by my very sick mother. And it looks as though we might have to put the baby in foster care for a short term.... This all makes me want to scream! It is a wonder I can keep my head on straight, but I do... AND I still manage to smile!!! So there! Take that all you cranky people out there! :)

So here is a short(haha) email conversation between my mother and I!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:
I have a proposition. I am at my job as you know for a little more than a month. I can't be back and forth with this. So here is what I have come up with. If you continue to pay for his childcare, couldn't he be in childcare down here for a month? My boss at maries gave me sunday night off and said that he thought it would benefit me if I had the day off (I have monday off too). So here is my proposal:
I could fly up there Saturday. Spend the Sunday with you and get your groceries at get you situated. Then drive your car with Brad down here. I know you wouldn't like that idea but it is all I could come up with, without putting Brad in foster care. you need a break and need to worry about yourself and you KNOW I will take really good care of him. There is a daycare accross the street from the music dept. and it is very convenient. The only thing I would have to check on is Ang. Our apartment is small, but I could easily keep him busy with walks and going to the park...things he should be doing. i know you don't think this will work, but I do think it will. So call me and let me know your thoughts. As for dealing with his parents, we will figure something out. It is only a month. And you could use the rest without Brad around. I work at 4 today and probably until closing... so call me before or in the morning. I'm sure if you contacted Brad's lawyer and talked it over with him...tell him you are too sick and have alternative care for him for a short term, I'm sure he will follow through with this. He is looking for the best interest of the child and knowing that he is with a loving family member rather than in foster care would be still a better situation. ttyl I love ya.

Love,
Jenn

_____________________________________________________________________________________
She said:

AS FOR YOUR PROPOSITION

YOU ARE BEING SELFISH SOMETIMES AND ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS..WHAT ABOUT ME, I NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT MORE THAN ANYTHING NOW AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE... I AM VERY ILL AND NEED YOUR UNDERDTANDING NOW AND I TOLD YOU I JUST NEED YOUR MORAL SUPPORT AND CARING NOW, NOT SAYING YOU CAN'T GO BACK AND FORTH WITH THIS....DIDN'T I BRINGING YOU UP IN THE FAITH TO BE COMPATIONATE AND CARING,....AND FOR GOD'S SAKE THAT INVOLVES LOVING AND HONORING THY MOTHER...PART OF TEN COMMANDMENTS. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR BROTHER HAS NOT DONE, HE HAS TAKEN EXACTLY AFTER HIS FATHER AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ON THAT TRACK. SOMETIMES WE ARE FORCED TO FACE OBSTICALS AND TRIALS IN OUR LIVES AND FACED TO GROW UP. LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS HAVING FUN ALL THE TIME...BELIEVE ME, AS I COULD USE SOME IN MY LIFE....I AM FACING FINANCIAL PROBLEMS TOO, AT A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THINKING OF RETIRING AND ENJOYING TAKING LITTLE TRIPS AND ENJOYING THE FRUITS OF MY LABOR OF WORKING FOR OVER 40 YEARS. LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY THAT YOU WILL HONOR ME AND ACCEPT ME AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND BE SUPPORTIVE......GOD BLESS YOU, MOM

_____________________________________________________________________________________
I said:

OK, FIRST OFF: you obviously took that email the wrong way.

I am ONLY trying to HONOR you. And if you cannot see that, maybe we both need to go to counseling together when I move up north. It would do us both good. And by no means is that a personal attack on you... Maybe it is me admitting that I care for you too much to ever want to have any anger or resentment toward you. This is a rough time and an outside point of view would help us both tremedously.

You called me the other night crying and upset. This upset me.... the fact that I had to hear you upset bothers me just as if the roles were reversed. So, I was trying to think of some other way of going about things... hence the saying, thinking outside the box. I was not trying to be selfish watsoever! In fact, it was completely the opposite. I was not thinking about myself nor was I even thinking about you. I was thinking about Bradford, my nephew. I was ONLY thinking about him! Not you, not Randy, Not even myself. My thoughts were these: 1.) It would have given you a break and let you rest. 2.) It would prevent Brad from going into foster care. 3.) It would have given you peace of mind knowing that he would have been well cared for. 4.) You wouldn't have to deal with a caretaker who is stealing from you.

I really wasn't trying to attack you and make you feel bad. I was just trying to figure out some alternatives. But thankfully, something came your way. No matter how bad it gets, how hard it is... eventually something good will come. Or at least SOMETHING will lessen.

And as for your personal attack on me about growing up in faith and being compassionate and caring. I believe I am. I try my hardest to live up to that. I am there when you need me. I've been there when Randy has needed me. I've tried. And I am still trying and will continue to. Why? Maybe you can figure out why.

And as for me turning into something like my father. It just isn't possible.... you know that and I know that. You need to get that thought out of your head before I can ever continue with anything... I will not take that, EVER. He was/is a selfish bastard who cares for no one... who can drop people in his life at a drop of a hat... who has hurt people so much, not just once... but over and over again. He is an alcoholic... a faithless person... a pediphile... a money hungry bastard (one of the reasons I have so little care for money)... how does this all sound? I'm sure you could come up with more... A lot more. I am not like that... and I refuse to be even considered in that same category.

I have learned so much in my life already. I am far from perfect.. I have a lot of self doubts... I'm overweight... I could apply myself much more than I do... I could educate myself much more... I could handle my money better... I could work more... I could practice more... I could go to church more... I could be more forgiving... I could be there for you more... the list goes on...

But there are a few things I know for sure...I am compassionate. I am caring. I do know how to LOVE. You have lead me in my faith so far, but it is my faith in God that keeps me here... Keeps me from running away from things and gives me the courage to deal with everything.

I do care about you and I do want you to be happy and get better and not have the pain that you do. And I am here to listen to you. I always have been and will continue to be. I am moving there in a short while so that I can ease some of the stress on you... so that I can help with that little boy... take him to the park and for walks... let him play in the dirt like all kids do... I want to see him laugh... I want to see you laugh... I can't tell you how long it has been since I've seen you happy and heard you laugh... and not be angry at me or angry at the world for having pain. Shit, if I were in your position I would say Fuck it too and not care. I really do want you to be happy. You know, I'm pretty well known for my laugh... people ALWAYS comment on that. I laugh because it relieves stress and it makes me happy... and maybe, just maybe we can get you to that point again. You just have to be able to get to a point where you can say, so what? You take much of everything to heart and there is nothing wrong with that. That is you. Just know that I am not trying to hurt you or make life difficult for you. I love you and I want to be there for you, just as you were for me. I am my own person just as you are. I have my own faults and should not be compared to anyone else, so please just love me for who I am.

Your daughter,
Jennifer

Ok... I feel much better now. My goal is to read this through again and again if I get upset... Then smile, because eventually there will be some light.

Eventually.

13.)Love
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Irony of Love
The Irony of Love

The greatest irony of love;
loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right
and finding out you love someone right after
that person walks out of your life...

and sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending
to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that
they will never be yours again...

for some, they think that letting go is one way
of expressing how much they love that person...
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love
being held by someone else...

most relationships tend to fail not because
the absence of love. love is always present.
it's just that one was being loved too much and the
other was being loved too little...

as we all know that the heart is the center of the body
but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason
why the heart is not always right...

most often we fall in love with the person we think we love
but to only discover that for them
we are just for passing time. while the one who truly
loves us remains either a friend or a stranger...

so here's a piece of advice;
let go when you're hurting too much.
give up when love isn't enough.
and move on when things are not like before...

For sure there is someone out there
WHO WiLL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...

Ok, I'm gonna leave it at that. These are some of my favorites. Many of which I look at over and over again. I'm very pleased that I have been able to keep posting for so long. My journey is far from over.

It's Dark

2005-11-01T04:30:00.000-05:00

I feel like a goddamn failure sometimes. Tonight especially.

I'm bummed. I feel like I'm in a funk. Usually this doesn't last that long.... at least I'm hoping. Usually I'm the one telling everyone... keep you head up!!! things will get better. Eh, Fuck it. I'm a vulgar SOB, aren't I?

I had a good day today too. It was halloween. I put my nephew in a cute cow costume, in which he mooed and mooed and mooed. I dressed up too.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like shutting everyone out. I just want to hybernate... away from everyone and everything. Is this me being a freak'n woman or is this me just shutting down for a moment? I dunno. Either way, its dark when I open my eyes, and light when I close them.

This could be the lack of sleep talking. I tend to get over emotional when I do not sleep..... things may be better after I "sleep on it."

We will see.

...this is my stuggle with feeling inadequate. I can never do anything right.... with anything, or anyone. I'm never good enough... something is always off/wrong... I've got some quality that makes me not worthy of something or other. In some ways I feel like if I lived on my own, away from everything I've ever known, I wouldn't feel this way. I never felt this way... people have made me to feel this way. And it isn't always directly told to me. Other people's insecurities are starting to rub off on me... if they aren't good enough, how can I be good enough to them? But I have to constantly remember to take my view on things and not theirs. Otherwise, I would end up a mess. What I think about my friends, family and loved ones is greatly different from what they think of themselves. So why am I stuck feeling like this? It is like, everyone's insecurities are fired off at me in a canon ball.... and I have to remind myself that their insecurities are about them... not me. I'm not saying that I don't have my own insecurities. I do have them, but I've always been a fairly confident woman, dressing the way I want, following my dreams, working hard at a shitty job so I can be proud that I can make it on my own. It's like when I go out... I never go out to meet guys. NEVER. Although, if the love of my life walked in and swept me off my feet, I wouldn't deny him. However, my point is, when I go out, it is for me. When I dress up, it is for me. When I do my hair and put on make up, it is for me. I like the way I feel... it isn't about what other people think. I dunno.. I think I'm going off in a tangent.

I think I've come up with a solution. I need some sort of release. Drinking is no good. Smoking out, no good. hmmm... What could I do? Maybe it should be some sort of physical activity. Damn... wish it were sex, but that ain't happening anytime soon... croquet? hmm, now thats a sport! I could work toward this new business of mine... swimming? Yes. That is what relaxes me! Let me go jump in my pool in the backyard... ok, no that won't work. No pool. Home projects were keeping me busy for a while, but eh... I'm on the job search, maybe that will be a bit of a release. I dunno... I need to brainstorm to figure this out.

I believe I talked myself out of that mood. I'm officially a nut case. :) Time for bed, to bed I said. :)

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T15:28:00.000-05:00

I was going to do a nice photo story about my halloween past, but my goddamn scanner isn't working properly. Oh well, I hope to get it up and running today sometime.

The first halloween that I can remember, I dressed as a clown. I had a big, pink, fluffy wig on and a homemade costume, made especially by my mother. My brother and I were twins, he was a green clown, I of course a pink clown. Damn I was cute then.. wat happened? One year, my mother dressed herself up as a cat and I was the kitten. I must have been about 7 years old. Other costumes I can remember wearing include, a princess, teacher, doctor, french maid, witch, bear, gypsy, flapper, peasant girl, and dominatrix. Of course, I was much older when I wore the dominatrix getup...gotta love Hollywood. That must be my favorite costume. Too bad I ruined it with my big ass... split a hole in the seat...damn

Future costumes I could see myself in: nurse, cat woman, lawyer, lollipop, angel, go go dancer, 19th century woman, and the list goes on. Halloween is just as much an adult holiday as a kid's. :)

I remember one year at my school's "Halloween Family Fun Night," my mother dressed up as a clown. She had props too. She carried this bucket and on the out side it read, "my friend." She would make the other kids look into her bucket to see her friend. Well she had a mirror pasted to the bottom of this thing. I was always embarrassed by that damn bucket. She's such a goof ball.

Last year I went to a Halloween party with my bestfriends Ang and Aron. We arrived to find our exes there, so we drank ourselves silly. Ang, luckily was my designated driver so I didn't have to worry about getting a ride. Needless to say, after getting my heart broken, nearly one month earlier, that didn't stop me from having a good time. I'm sure that was partially the boozes fault. Hey, I cannot help it if I'm giddy when I'm drunk. The party ended pretty well. I could still walk fairly well, I just couldn't see two feet in front of me. I ended up calling the 7ft mofo that I was flirting with and telling him I thought he was "sooooooo sexy." Not one of my proudest moments.

I couldn't sleep last night. I layed in bed for a long time just thinking. Thinking about things I should have done, things I wish I would have said, things I need to get done, missed opportunities, future possibilities, and so on. Now I'm sleepy because I didn't get enough sleep.

For some reason the movie, What Dreams May Come has been on my mind. It is a dark movie, but from time to time, I think about it.... mainly because I love the scene where Robin Williams is in heaven and it appears to be a painting. I love that scene, its so unreal. The colors are so vibrant.

What is with that term "hook up?" It really bothers me. I hook up with my girlfriends in the mall. I hook up with my family for dinner. I don't "hook up" with someone to fool around. It sounds ridiculous. I guess its part of the lingo now. Sorta like, "that's hella cool (term used for most northern cali people)." I could always spot a northerner when that specific word came from their lips. So call it like it is please... getting busy, making out, fooling around, having sex... but please don't say hook up.

I'm actually embarrassed

2005-10-29T13:31:00.000-04:00

I've never been so shocked by a blog. A few minutes ago I decided to browse through some blogs just to see what is out there. Maybe I should stay in my little box from now on. Holy crap, I'm actually embarrassed. For me to get embarrassed, well you know it must have been bad. Lets just say, you cannot go to Barnes and Noble and buy an Idiots Guide on that subject.

I think my face is turning back to its normal color now. woah...

Anniversary

2005-10-28T12:54:00.000-04:00

My 1 year blogging anniversary is coming up. I may have to throw myself a party. :)

I'm One Smart Cookie!!!!!

2005-10-27T14:45:00.000-04:00

I'm really intelligent!!!! I've been without my lovely glasses for quite some time now. It is difficult for me to see at night and I'm a horrible night driver because of it. Well, today I decided to print something out on the computer here at home. I tried to stick the damn paper in the printer and it just wouldn't go. WTF? So, as you can imagine, I'm jamming this load of paper into the printer, all the while getting frustrated. What a piece of shit. I never thought to look into the printer to see if something was obstructing the passage. You must understand, my mind is simple. However, I do realize that my eye glasses do NOT belong in the printer. Hmmmmm, I'm probably not the brightest star in the galaxy. Good news, I accomplished three things today... I updated my resume, I found my glasses and I got the printer to work!!!!! :)

(bows her head in shame)

The Ultimate Dress Rehearsal

2005-10-26T03:56:00.000-04:00

I received an email recently from one of my good friends. It contained this interview. I was very moved and I found that everything this man said is true. I also took the time to read the scripture, and I couldn't agree more. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't necessarily feel like I lived the happiest life. However, I would feel that I have lived a full life. Happiness doesn't always bring contentment. Am I content though? Far from. But I would be content that I have tried my hardest and I've given it my everything. For now, I will fall asleep next to my rosary, as I search for what to do next.

In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The
Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:

"People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond as follows -
in a nutshell, Life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last on earth forever, because eventually, God wants us to
be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend "forever" in eternity.
This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth
what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until
you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems. Either you are in one now, you have just come out
of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is
that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more
interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can
be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is
to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the
toughest,with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and
valleys -you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountain top, back and forth.
I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe
that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have
something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in
your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no
matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can
thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus
on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my
issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your
focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of
people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very
difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a
ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him
and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad in life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past
year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of fame that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or fame for you to own an ego or for you
to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, fame and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me - Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

"Be kind. Everyone you meet is having a hard time.""

Do you hear it?

2005-10-25T12:20:00.000-04:00

"You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable. Life's like an hour glass glued to the table."
-Anna Nalick, Breathe

This song explains much about me and why I blog. I love it.

VLA Vla vla

2005-10-20T12:17:00.000-04:00

I listen to this classical radio station in the morning. It seems the ALWAYS play baroque music in the morning. What is the deal with that? More blue-haired money bags open their conservative ears and wallets?

Brandenburg 3 was on the station this morning. That piece is soooo much fun to play. So we all know the saying, violists are slow. Or at least we get the rap for being a little mentally slow. Tell me this, why would Bach create such a piece in canon style, at a fast tempo, an eighth not apart for VIOLA? Doesn't he know that a piece like that is a train wreck waiting to happen? ;)

Here's a new viola joke... how do you get two violists to the same notes at the same time, together? Give them Brandenburg six. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I kill myself sometimes!!!!

Relief

2005-10-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

There is this woman who runs the daycare that I take my nephew to. She is a lovely woman with a kind heart. She is also very spiritual. She knows of the whole ordeal with my family and constantly says, she will pray for us.

Yesterday, I wanted to speak with her briefly, but she seemed preoccupied. Finally I was able to get a hold of her and she apologized and said that her husband had just arrived home from his trip to India. By the expression on her face, I could tell that she was relieved to have him home safely. I told her I was glad to hear that her husband made it home safely.... and then I found out why she was so relieved.

For the majority of us, we sigh in relief when we know our family has made a trip successfully. Parents constantly worry about their children and their where abouts. It is a natural concern. However, for this woman, it is a greater concern. Years ago, her husband took a trip to India to visit his family (their whole family is from India). She had children, so she did not go. Then she learned that her husband was aboard that notorious Pan Am Flight that was hijacked. With more than 400 passangers aboard, many of which were Americans (her husband included), the passengers were shot to death. In the brief 5 minute conversation that I had with this spiritual woman, she managed to stay in my thoughts all day and night... she and her family. She went on to tell me more. Of the 400+ passengers, only 20 some odd passengers survived, her husband being one of them. Apparently the terrorists were after the American passports, so many of the passengers tried to hide them. I believe she said that those people were executed right away. Her husband was shot at numerous times, and has the scars to prove it, however he survived.

I am blown away by all of this. Not necessarily from the hijacking, but moreso because this man survived when he should have been dead. It makes me peel away those blinders I love to hide under. Ignorance is bliss, right? If I don't know, it won't hurt me. This is hardly the case. Life is full of terrifying events, hurt, and evil. If we live under this blanket that shelters us and makes us feel comfortable, all the while, we avoid seeing the bad things in life, are we really doing ourselves a favor? If the bad things in life did not exist, would we know to appreciate the good things?

In any case, the joy and relief in this womans face yesterday will be forever engraved in my mind. And although I would never want to experience the heartache and torment that this woman has gone through, I can imagine that the love and happiness that this woman experiences is far greater than that of the average person. Maybe because she is thankful for EVERYTHING... the good and the bad. She has experieced it, accepted it, and is grateful for the little things in every way, shape , or form.

I can imagine that when he arrived home, she put her arms around him and never wanted to let him go.

My thoughts are these...

We are blessed with the life experiences that lend us a helping hand in our path in life. People who experience more of the bad in life are blessed even more than the people who experience much of the good that life has to offer. Why? Even though "life is a bitch, and then we die," our life trials are what make us stronger and more appreciative in the long run. Because when it is good, it is damn good.
At least, I am hoping. :)

Florence mmmmmm

2005-10-12T18:49:00.000-04:00

Ah... I'll be dreaming about this one tonight! If only I could get away!

http://vacations.travelzoo.com/european-vacations/210228

Copy and paste. yes I know, a little tedious, but I couldn't create a link.

2005-10-12T14:33:00.000-04:00

"Der Mensch liegt in größter Not!
Der Mensch liegt in größter Pein!
Je lieber möcht' ich im Himmel sein."

ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

2005-10-11T18:45:00.000-04:00

Today was a breaking point for me. It seems to me that everything was taken from me and all at once. I have no place to call my own anymore, I was taken away from the music scene I so enjoyed, my life consists of making everyone else happy, and I sit back and wait for everyone else to take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. Where does this all lead me? It leads me to a place that feels like pergatory on earth. I want to run far away, yet I am too loyal. How many times have I thought about just leaving... taking my nephew to my brother and just say, here ya go!!!... Hey, thats what happened to me, so why not? I love him more than anything, so I guess that is why I chose not to do that. I don't want him to feel abandoned by me.... but he should not be with me. I feel like a coin being tossed around. This is a sickness... not only is my mother sick, but I am becoming part of the sickness by feeding into the situation. It is not healthy for me anymore.

I had to walk away. She is so sick, physically and mentally that she will never get better. I can't go to her because she gets upset with me for not bringing her material things. This is her way of thinking I love her.... that I chose to bring her the list of items that she requests. I cannot go and just sit with her and make her laugh, or watch tv and talk about the current affairs. There have been many times when I just want to lay next to her and watch tv. But I could never think of that... she is no longer that way. That is not love. Love are the journals and food I bring her.

My chest hurts... I always get this way after I being upset.

I'm so angry. I deserve to be respected. A parent should never make their children feel guilty for wanting to live their own lives. They should never be made to feel guilty for what was given to them in their childhood either. A parent choses to have a child, so it is their responsibility for the upbringing of this child in every shape and form. The child shouldn't go into life feeling guilty for the things their parents could or could not give to them. A parent should want what is best for their child and wish them well in whatever they decide to do. This is not the case with my family.

My father, who I have nothing to do with, heard that I am taking care of my nephew and mother. He has a guilty conscience for what he has done with his life, so he wants to give me money. He wants to feel like he helped out and maybe lessen his guilt. Many of my friends and family think I should take the money. And I've told them many a time, it is so much more than just taking that money. It is letting him into my life. He wants to be able to talk to me... so he says, if I talk to him, he will give me money. Now I screen my calls. I will not take his monitary gift. And screw all my friends and family for telling me to do so. It is the priniciple behind the matter. I have too much respect for myself to let him do that to me. I guess that is why I'm so damn stubborn.

So, rather than sitting there and taking it up the asshole today, I chose to be happy. I don't want to be told how much I am doing wrong every day of my life. I don't want to feel like I am living my life for someone else. I don't want to be taken advantage of... not anymore. Today something in me changed... and I walked away. No more. I have chosen my own sanity. I don't want to see a shrink for the rest of life. I want to be healthy and happy. I don't want to have this constant everyday drama.

Dating... what the hell is that all about? Well lately, I have gotten into the dating situation. I met this incredibly nice guy from church. He is sweet, caring, honest, goodlooking, fun.... but its not right. Everything about him screams STOCKTON.... and I am NOT going to settle. I don't want to be here. I want to travel and play. This dating shit is for the birds. Meeting new friends? Thats awesome, but I can't handle dating. I've only "dated" a couple times before and its just NOT for me. Que sera, sera.

For now, I am making my own arrangements. It will pain me to not go visit my mom every day, but I have faith that things will work out for the better.

Que sera, sera.

Whistle while you work....

2005-10-10T14:46:00.000-04:00

Today I am highly motivated. I don't know what lit a fire under my ass, but I woke up at 7am ready to go. I'm currently taking a break from my home projects. I ripped out the carpet in the hallway... its really old shag carpeting, it is no wonder that I have terrible allergies. Come to find out, there is tile underneath the carpet. Nice, except it is chipped. So? What do I do? I have to dig all that crap out too. Once I get that cleaned up, I'm going to lay some tile. Hopefully I'll be able to get that done today. I want to also take up the tile in the bathroom too. Its old and green and just icky. I am bound and determined to get the bathroom and hallway done this week, come hell or high water!

I need someone to step on my back... just crack the hell out of it. I must be carrying all of the stress in my shoulders because I feel like I have knots the size of canon balls. Pretty soon I'll be draging my knuckles on the ground like an ogre.

Ok, enough rambling.... I'm off to home depot to get some goods for the project!

Wearing Goggles

2005-10-07T12:46:00.000-04:00

As I drove my nephew to his place of daycare, I immediately recoginized the piece on the radio. Yesterday I had heard an announcement on this same station that they would be playing Dvorak's piano quartet in the nine o'clock hour. Although I did not so much recognize the actual piece, I remembered that the radio station would play this piece. Then I began to listen to this piece with Dvorak ears... you know who the composer is, so you try to see if the piece fits into his largle puzzle, with this piece being only one part of the whole picture. Then I got to thinking about it and I felt like my mind had been tainted. I didn't have the chance to listen with my own ears, to figure out who might be the composer of this piece. I didn't get the opportunity to listen open-mindedly to this before judging it.... it was simple... this was Dvoraks piano quartet. It just pisses me off. So is it better or worse to know who the composer is? Not that I probably wouldn't have figured it out, but still... the answer was already engraved in my mind... the punch line was given away already. My question is this, if we are told who the composer is, do we automatically put on our "Beethoven goggles" or "Brahms goggles" which guide us in our listening? Or is it possible to be as open-minded about a piece knowing the information we do? As I listened to this piece, I immediately started to think, does this piece have the characteristics of Dvorak... does it sound folk like, are there certain dotted rhythms he always uses, and the list goes on. Maybe I'm just the fool who had my own goggles on, impairing me from actually seeing the big picture. hmmm... too much to think about.

Struggling, in this place we call home.

2005-10-07T04:10:00.000-04:00

This evening was unusual. I met several different people from different backgrounds. I spent hours learning about these people, unknown to me before this evening. One guy taught me that men are men... and of course sex was one of the main topics. Ok, first off, a girl/woman doesn't want to talk about sex in that way. We are emotional beings. We think with our hearts, men think with their heads (literally). And although I am a sexual being, and probably far more frisky than most women my age, I still do not want to talk about it. Get the point?

Then I spoke to another person. As the conversation deepened, my thoughts started to run away... is he crazy? Have I brought even more crazy people into my life? But then I thought, how is he different from me? The idea that kept looping through my head is that no one... not even the homeless man who begs for food is any less of a person than I am. He may not have anything... friends, family, money, clothes... but is he really different from me? NO, he's not. The longer I listened, the more I realized we just need to be heard. We need to feel understood, as to understand. We all need to know that we are not alone in this world. Life is a gift, and love is an even greater gift. I think the unknown is the most freighting thought we have... what will come? Why is it that when we step out of our own shoes, we can imagine the life and successes of another? Are we blinded by our own being? We've all heard of being blinded by love, but can we blind ourselves from our own future? I guess what I learned tonight is that you can't judge a book by its cover... we're all just trying to find our way home... where ever that may be.

It's FALL!!! Ten-Four... hahaha

2005-10-04T18:14:00.000-04:00

I'm having one grrrreat day! Driving along this morning, I couldn't help but notice how the trees are changing color and the leaves are falling on the ground. It is official, Fall has arrived! I love this time of year. The holiday season is drawing near and the weather is changing (cooling down, windy). Tank tops and sandals are getting their last wear in, while scarves and hats are being pulled out of the boxes.

I am already starting to plan for the holidays... who I will invite, what I will cook up, how I will decorate. This is a very exciting time!

Things are starting to kinda sorta work out. My brother is going to take his son every other weekend, while his grandpa takes him every other weekend. What this means for me? I have weekends free. If my plans succeed, I will be moved into the Walnut Creek area by next July or August... The baby will be living with his Dad.... Although I will still get to see him (because I'm already very attached)... and I will be going to school again and possibly rooming with one of my bestest friends again!

Other news, I'm planning on attending a wedding in November. I haven't been to many weddings, probably 3 in my whole life. So what are the odds that two of my very close family friends are getting married on the same day (not to each other, hehe)?!!! Only problem is they occur in two different What the heck? How could the pick the same year, same date? I can't wait for that weekend... those are the weekends you read about... you know, you are in your twenties attending a wedding... you have a few wild times, etc... I can't wait!

um, yeah

2005-10-04T01:51:00.000-04:00

I was feel'n good today. Spent some time with a good family friend. Then we grabbed some lunch and visited my Mom. Afterwards I went to the store and I just felt spiffy. You know how you're walk'n around and when you look good you feel good? Well that wasn't really me today. I didn't really look all that great today, but I felt cheerful and bouncy. It appeared that others seemed to take notice too.

I'm tired though... Long day. the kiddo is in his terrible twos and even a few hours with him is difficult. He does so many bad things! I got so pissed off at him today and told him he had to say sorry to me. So what does he do? Blows me a kiss.... AH... how do parents do it? You want to scream at them one moment and laugh then next. Kids... maybe in a about 10 years...

Minty Bliss!

2005-10-03T02:38:00.000-04:00

Tell me I'm not crazy?!

Yesterday I ran out of shampoo. So instead of going to Walgreens like everyone else and buying the typical Herbal Essence, I went a salon I use to get my hair done at. I remembered that they had this fabulous conditioner that made my hair smell of mint... now those of you that know me, know that I have some weird habits... one of which is smelling things... I absolutely love the smell of that conditioner... I mean, just think, years have passed and I've remembered its minty fragrance. As I walked out of the salon with my minty conditioner, henna shampoo and big grin on my face I realized that that particular visit cost me nearly $50. Who spends THAT kind of money on hair stuff? ME ME ME... and yes, it was good. My hair smells fabulous,looks great and feels fantastic. I'm a happy camper tonight!

ssdd

2005-09-30T00:18:00.000-04:00

Interesting day...

Today I did the usual stuff. My visit to the hospital was very humorous. My Mom was in good spirits. We talked about my great grandfather Rudolphus. He was an entertaining guy. My great grandmother would be talking to him about something serious and he would turn to her and smile and nod... she would yell at him to "turn the damn hearing aids on!" It made me smile and nod also. lol

Apparently my Mom had a terrible fight with one of the nurses last night. The nurse left her sitting in her chair after she had asked her if she would help her back to bed. That was 9pm. About 12am, she asked again and the nurse said she had a few more things to do and left the room. My mother complained saying she had been sitting there for 3 hours waiting for to help her. The nurse gave her a smart ass comment and attitude. Then she stormed out of the room and slammed the door and didn't answer my mother's call light. Wasting no time, the next time the nurse came in, my mother asked to speak to her supervisor. The nurse then commented that she was the supervisor. My mom then said, then she wanted to speak to the house supervisor. She created quite a stir in the ICU. The hospital supervisor then came in to talk to my mother this morning and of course my mother wasted no time in telling her story... then added that she had once been a hospital supervisor. Every patient deserves respect and to be treated as a person. Needless to say, the nurse is going to be "disciplined accordingly." Can you believe that was in ICU? I can.

I almost got in an accident today. This car was backing out and didn't even look. He was about 1/2 ft from my car and I layed on the horn. My heart jumped out of my chest. Thankfully I didn't get hit. THEN, I get home to two fire trucks in front of my house. I start to panic a little, only to find out that they were across the street. Nothing serious.

I went to Toys R Us tonight with Brad. Oh man, I had a great time. So many toys, so little time. I must have spent over an hour in there. :) I ended up buying my nephew a pretty fancy piano. He enjoyed playing with it for a few minutes when we got home, but I think I played with it the longest. I was tempted to buy one of those remote control cars too... fun times, fun times.

huh?

2005-09-24T06:17:00.000-04:00

Fourteen hours later...

It is 3:20am. I'm exuasted. I'm mentally and physically drained. Time for that awesome power nap (one hour) and then I'm off and running back down to LA so I can make my appointment at 11:30. How wonderful is that?

I'm in a pickle. My Mom is back in ICU and I have no time in my life to run to LA. I feel absolutely sick about leaving and I can't even mention anything to her because I CANNOT upset her...she's in freak'n ICU. I thought, well I can set up an appointment for later in the week... that would be fine. NOPE... Lucky me, I have JURY DUTY this week which means, Jenn no can do. Not to mention, Bradford has his second birthday. WTF? Life is complicated, and then it gets worse.

My feet fucking hurt.

Oh, and the best part? Yeah, I'm in ICU about an hour ago with my mom and I look over at the monitor in the Nurse's station and they have this guy on the screen. Then five minutes later I see all of the staff running in the room... my mom's nurse on the bed pumping the guys chest... and I see it all on the screen... they're going at it for at least five minutes... and the whole time I'm trying not to vomit all over myself because my mind went back two months ago when that was my mother. I felt sooooooooo incredibly sick and I had to fight everything to not crawl on the floor and bawl like a baby. 7th times a charm? I can't take much more of this... it's draining the life out of me and I'm learning all how to not let out emotion. I fight it... every time it creeps up... I feel like fucking Xena fighting for everyone... this warrior who has to battle these obstacles that come their way... no one ever sees those warriors cry or be in pain... I feel like I have to be strong for everyone or they too will give up.... SHIT... EVERY FAMILY MEMBER I HAVE. I've probably taken ten years off my life... and now i have a 50minute nap... damnit...
ok...

"Suffering is the resistance of what is."

2005-09-23T00:47:00.000-04:00

I was watching Dateline tonight on the special with Barbara Streisand. She quoted, "suffering is the resistance of what is."

My mind is doing a 360... thinking about my past. Why I suffered, how long I suffered and it all comes down to this statement..."suffering is the resistance of what is." You suffer so much, but only because you resist the situation.... you don't believe that it has happened, you believe the situation will turn around, or you cannot admit that the situation has happened... you resist the situation. And the more I think about it, the more I suffer, the more I realize that I am resisting the situation for some reason or another. I guess what it comes down to is admiting what IS in order to move past the suffering.

I have suffered quite a bit in the last year. Some of it because I would never admit what I was feeling and completely shut everything out. Looking back, I think I could have dealt with situations better, but I guess that is how I learn. I denied much of what I was feeling.. even to myself. I've done that over the last few years too... I'm really good at blocking it out... people and situations. I just walk away from the matter and don't look back. The problem with this is you still have some of those feelings bottled up. Luckily, I've had a great journal that has taken a beating over the last year. I am learning... slowly.

The good things in life

2005-09-19T02:24:00.000-04:00

Sometimes after a long and difficult day you can easily forget about the good things in life... Here they are in no particular order:

*driving around aimlessly, just listening to music.
*chicken wings (I'm eating them right now...proly not a good thing)
*love songs!!! (I could sing along for hours)
*my viola
*making up after a big fight
*purple toes
*laughing
*sitting in a string quartet and knowing them so well you can predict their phrasing and note length
*yellow roses
*heartache... cause you know you are capable of loving
*dreams
*a damn good body massage
*a good book and blanket on a rainy day
*freezing my ass off in search for the perfect christmas tree
*and I couldn't be without CHRISTMAS SONGS! (you probably don't want to know me, cause I will bump that stuff in the car like it's Snoop)
*mario cart
*rollar coasters
*a hug
*Florence in the spring time
*get'n decked out in a beautiful dress
*Family (although, sometimes I seriously wonder about that one)
*red velvet cake
*laying under the stars
*dancing
*feeling like a sweaty pig after a five mile run
*Church and God
*water slides!
*my wonderful friends
*staying in on a friday night and eating pizza and watching a movie
*Brahms
*sleeping
*going to a concert that makes me want to practice all night
*dirty jokes
*Mr. Pibb.. such a bad habit that I should break myself of
*love
*knowing someone so well that you can feel when something is wrong
*weekend trips/traveling in general
*Bb below C on my viola (hey, its a good sound)
*A carmel apple martini

I think thats all for the evening...

A day in review

2005-09-18T02:23:00.000-04:00

I'm totally bushed tonight. I woke up fairly early (7am) and layed in bed. Isn't that just the greatest feeling? Just laying there with nothing to do, no one to bother me for the next few hours. It was awesome! I then managed to get dressed, get my nephew dressed and head off to get a bagel and coffee to start the morning. I was thouroughly enjoying my morning and decided to take the lil one to a park to play and where we could eat our bagels. So we get to the park and sit down to eat. He decides, it's time to take off on auntie. If you can imagine me in my semi-platform sandals running after this kid who just keeps on running. He is PURPOSELY running from me. I can't say anything or do anything to get this kid to stop. Now I'm pissed. Finally I catch up to him and set him down to make him eat and the little shit pushes it away. The terrible twos are here! The little shit! I was so ticked off that he wouldn't listen to anything I said that I eventually just put him in the car and took off.... not even letting him set foot on the playground. Here comes the funny part... smart little shit knew I was pissed off at him and really tried to kiss up then.

Talk about the good old days... I went to an engagement party for someone I've known for YEARS. We grew up together and this guy and my bro would always come home from school and eat "weiners (the on going joke)." His mother pulled out a picture of all of us kids at halloween time. I must have been 11.... if I could only get a copy of that picture... definately something to laugh at. Good times, good times. I can't believe he is getting married, but at least he has good taste. She's a beautiful girl who seems very caring.

So as you may have guessed it, I had to pass on my SF symphony concert. I completely forgot about this party. Damnit... and there isn't going to be another one like it for some time... Dvorak 8... I'll have to serenade myself to sleep tonight with it.

This guy ims me today.. it is obvious what he is interested in... one thing, you can name it. Well, that's fine and dandy. I, myself have been a little deprived lately too... so I kinda go with it. But the more I began to talk to this fool, the more I grew aware of the fact that women can't just put it out there. We have to be mentally and emotionally connected for anything remotely physical to happen. This brings me to another point, are women capable of just a "fuck buddy?" I'm fairly certain that the answer is a firm no. For myself, I have to be mentally stimulated by a guy to even think about anything else... my experience demonstrates that (especially in the last 6 months). And although some may be "capable" of it, it probably won't be good (my experience). Going back to the story of this guy... this guy just assumes that he can say something and bam.... I'll be at his door. Um, I think not... Shit, I'd probably have a better time with a vibrator. My point being? Singledom is still better than that bullshit.

Adult Sex Quiz

2005-09-15T14:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, I got this in a bulletin and thought it was freak'n hilarious.. a little gross, but none the less, hilarious!

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, and
Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you
can't beat ablowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

(Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
( A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

( Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
(A.) "Is it in?"

( Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury DoughBoy?
( A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

(Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
( A.) One of his fingers is clean.

(Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
(A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

( Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
( A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks,
you're screwed.

It was entertaining. I hope it was as good for ya'll too.

Dreams and other useless thoughts

2005-09-15T14:03:00.000-04:00

I had at least 4 dreams last night. All of which had to do with men, sex and love. Interesting huh? In one dream, I was having the best sex of my life! Who knew it could be THAT good! That was the big WOW!...and guess what? No, I didn't wake up... worse... I was interupted by someone!!!! And the most aweful part of it was that it was my mother! Damn her! I rarely have great dreams like this. Not only does she interupt my life, but now my dreams? F*&$# Don't get me wrong, I love my mother... its just sometimes it gets to be a little too much... even my dreams are telling me that.

I'm very spontaneous. Yesterday I decided that it was time to strip the bathroom walls of the crappy wall paper, take out the tile that I HATE and rip up the hallway carpet. I haven't started on this project yet. Although I did manage to get my ass out of the house yesterday to go to Home Depot where I purchased a beautiful color sandstone flooring for the hallway and a few tools to help me take down the wall paper and dig up the flooring. Maybe I should start taking my nephew to the hardware stores instead of shoe stores... he really enjoyed it. Sadly to say, I looked pretty manly in my sweats and baseball hat. The baseball hat has become my favorite accessory... it's great, I don't have to do anything to my hair... just throw it in a ponytail and go. Who knew looking like a boy could be so good. I've even been so lazy as to not put my face on in the morning anymore. What's happening to me? I guess I'm becoming a little more comfortable in my own skin. But I still like to doll it up every now and then.

Last night I started crocheting my scarf. I'm making it longer than usual. I decide that I would entertain myself with the computer and crocheting at the same time, all the while listening to music. I felt like Mary Poppens. After I finished an entire row on my scarf, I discovered a mistake and had to take the whole damn thing out. What I discovered? Multi-tasking is NOT for me.

My little stinker bug is going to be two in a week and a half. I've already decided on a few bday presents for him. I remembered this one book that I loved as a child... I think it was entited, Brown Bear. I know he would love it. He has almost every toy imaginable, so I don't want to get him other useless crap that he won't play with. I was thinking of gettting him a tricycle. I'm also throwing a bday party for him at a local pizza joint. I'm sure all of our family friends will be there, along with about ten of his "Aunties."

My nephew striking a pose in my stilettos... too bad the camera didn't catch them!

As I finish my morning coffee, I'm thinking all the crap I have to get done... shower, fix my gorgeous hair(I really should take off that hat every now and then), go to the bank, go to the store to buy the things on the 4 lists (yes, you read that right, 4!!!) that my mother wrote out for me, pay a few bills, pick up the kiddo, take dinner and the kiddo over to see mom, come home, water plants out front and back, then possibly start on my home projects. I want to at least get the carpet riped out and the wallpaper off. Ready, set, go...

I'm so proud

2005-09-15T00:22:00.000-04:00

Not only is the beautiful viola I use to play on mentioned in the American Viola Society Journal, it is also online! I had no idea my old teacher studied with Manuel Compinsky... brings more meaning to that scholarship I received. Ch-ch-check it out: http://www.americanviolasociety.org/JAVS%20Online/Summer%202005/Tatton/Tatton.htm

Maybe now you will know why I love Beethoven Op.74 so much... if you had such an inspiring teacher who taught with so much passion, in addition to it being his favorite piece in the whole world, you'd fall in love with it too. :)

que sera, sera

2005-09-14T13:35:00.000-04:00

I'm very excited. I went to Michael's and bought some materials to crochet a scarf. I haven't done any crochet work in ages. When I was 11, I crocheted a baby sister a blanket (although I failed to give it to her). Hey, I still made it! My Mom was asking me to get her some materials and I thought, what the hay, Why not?

I've been debating on doing this craft fair in Octorber with my family friend. I have a TON of stuff that I've created and I've got quite an eye for gift baskets...hmmm could be fun!

I've become more motivated lately. I've gone to hear a few public speakers on starting my own business. Not too sure I want to go down that route, but one aspect that I like is the internet. I live on this damn thing and I could possibly make some money on it.... its a thought. I guess I'm just tired of the same shit, different day routine. Shoot, I was even pressured into going into substitute teaching... Now who in their right mind (who isn't the type to be a teacher) would put themselves into a job they would hate? My Mother keeps telling I wouldnt' have to do much and I would get paid well. Ok, maybe this is just me, but I'd rather work for McDonalds or a supermarket or something... however, I should be able to get something better than that with my background and education. That is just NOT my scene. One thing I know I need to do is PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE, cause it is the only way I will get out of this place.

I've had more discussions than I'd care to admit about life, goals and significant others. I've spoken to both genders and the outlook is COMPLETELY different... for the most part. Many of my female friends are looking for that significant other, and I'll admit, of course I would like that companionship also. It is said that we feel incomplete without a significant other. I'll agree that we are constantly looking for someone to fill our void... someone who will take us out of this emotional rollarcoaster we call life. That's what I've been doing.

I've been thinking about what made me happy and unhappy in a relationship. I was unhappy when I didn't trust them... when I felt like there was something being left out or not being told to me. With honesty comes trust. The worst part(or the best, depending on how you look at it) is finding out that those feelings you had were right. It's really quite funny, because everything in my life so far has been so predictable if I just open my eyes.

My friends keep telling me, oh you'll find someone nice. Maybe I don't want to settle... if I were to date someone now, it would be because I am looking to settle. I am not looking to settle. I want to do my graduate work and possibly doctorate. I want to travel and live in different places. Chances are (oh do I love that movie), if I dated someone here who is already settled, I would feel even more boxed in than I already am. Now, if I were to find someone who wanted to join me in my future adventures, then maybe. But even then, there would be a lid on the box because you are thinking not only about you, but them too. So, if I'm going to be busy for the next however many years it will take, when will I be capable of companionship? Will I ever? Is this an excuse? I don't know any of these answers. All I know is, if it is meant to be, it will be.

"The Asshole Club"

2005-09-12T13:01:00.000-04:00

People do strange things out of guilt. So many thoughts are flowing out of me, yet I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes staring at the screen. I swear... when it rains it pours.

It's funny, my girlfriends and I have this club we've named "The Asshole Club." It takes a huge effort to get yourself into that club. Many have paid quite a few membership dues and others have already bumped themselves up to "Lifetime Member" status. And the best part is, like a health club, this "Asshole Club" seems to be the latest trend. This club does not discriminate either. Although, I fail to see the membership perks. Men and women alike have been known to join. Now the only difficulty with this club is this... once initiated into this club, it is difficult to terminate your contract and you (Asshole club member) have possibly more membership dues to pay in order to get out of it. If you can't get out of any other contract easily, what makes these people think that they can apologize and think that life goes on the same as it did before? And although some contracts allow you to pay money to get out of a contract, this club is different. Once a member of the "Asshole Club," you can try to give something of monitary value to get out of your contract. However, your status will not only remain "Asshole club member," but it will now read, "Asshole Club Member who is poor."

This leads me to describe a few members of my particular club. This one person is the star of the club. Apparently this fool has been trying to contact me because he wants to somehow redeem himself. He has already signed up for the "Asshole Club Member who is poor," but now he wants to become an "Asshole Club Member who is poorER." Apparently he found out that I've encountered a few issues with my life and wants to somehow help out. I certainly do NOT want a "pity party." And screw the "Asshole Club Members" for wanting to join this pity party that seems to be thrown in my honor... I don't want it, I don't need it! Obviously, if I have not gone out of my way to talk to you or be there for you, I really don't care. No, that is a lie. I do care, I just don't care to revisit that. Here is the deal.... a burned bridge cannot be crossed. If the bridge was burned down, there is a reason for it and chances are (oh do I love that movie), it won't be rebuilt. Who the hell wants to revisit that point in their life that caused so much heartache... certainly not I... but it was a lesson well learned.

With that being said, "Asshole Club Members" will forever be thought of as lifetime members unless proven otherwise...

Adventures in So Cal

2005-09-11T04:05:00.000-04:00

So many thoughts and emotions are going through my head at this moment.

I am back in the town I call a hell hole. It was a long drive, but I enjoyed every second of it. I found a radio personality that I really enjoy listening to and sang or talked all the way home.

As it turns out, that damn car is still there. That means, I get to take yet another trip down to So cal. Can you believe that one? :) Actually, I was trying to donate the thing to a charity of some sort and even then, they said that it would take up to a week/week and a half to get someone out there to get it.... AND I have to be there. I managed to leave some stuff in my apartment still... how can I have acquired so much crap? SERIOUSLY! The amount of stuff I threw away is huge.

It was a nice get away from life up here. I missed the baby though. I did so much, saw many people and had a hell of a time! I even managed to sneak in a few lunches with a great mentor of mine... lets just say, with our laughs, we had EVERYONE in the resturant watching. It was great... just by laughing I startled one lady! Let's see... what else happened? After a few too many Martini's, I walked ever so elegantly to the car, only to discover a nice trail of toilet paper stuck to my stiletto heel... now THAT'S classy! I watched 40 yr old Virgin for the second time and can I say... I will not be drinking any strawberry daquiris anytime soon. I cut my hair and layered it, dyed it and my eye brows (and I'm not blind!!!), managed to load/unload the moving truck in less than two hours....Drove my first commercial truck...hit a branch and put a slight dent in the top... watched Beaches with my girlfriends ( a real tear jerker)... made my first mango martini... had great sex... watched a lot of "Sex and the City"... ok, I exaggerated a little on the great sex part... Hey, it was good in my dreams! I guess that counts haha.

I suppose I should go to bed. I always stay up too late. Gotta get the babycakes tomorrow. :)

"I'm free, but it doesn't feel exquisite."

2005-09-06T14:50:00.000-04:00

I'm still in Southern California at this moment. I don't know if it is because I just don't want to go back and want to prolong this visit as long as possible, or because I do not want to face all of the bullshit... could be both.

I spoke to my Babycakes last night on the phone... he huffed and puffed while I asked him numorous questions, all the while just listening to my voice. He was busy playing monkey monkey jumping on the bed. What a cutie. I miss him terribly. He has been the one to put a smile on my face every day. And although I know my time with him will lessen, I know that the bond will only grow stronger. It has been an interesting journey so far. I've been given the opportunity to experience motherhood at an early age.... which is something I had always debated on... whether or not I would want children early in life. Many do, but it only made me realize all the more that I would rather wait until I was in my early to mid thirties. My nephew has gotten me through some tough times as well. He made me laugh when I'd want to cry.... even made me smile through all of my tears when things were going so terribly. Children definately are a blessing... but my nephew has been a blessing in disguise for me. I know that soon he will be where he needs to be and that my time with him will lessen, however my bond with him will only grow stronger I am sure. I suppose that is why I have a difficult time getting attached to anyone anymore. I'd rather just let go and move on with my life.... I'm afraid that getting attached will hurt more. I've fought hard not to get too attached to my nephew because I know that soon he will also leave me behind... but for a better life for himself. But there is still that feeling and I know it is one of the reasons I have kept my distance. But the little shit won't let me! After we go through our evening ritual of getting ready for bed, he sits down with me to read a few books and then we listen to music before he goes to bed... and that's where he got me. He cuddles up to me... it has taken him a while, but he's decided that he doesn't mind being held and cuddled. I sing to him as he goes to sleep and he sometimes hums along. I once said before, sometimes all you need is a hug... I was looking elsewhere for it, but I guess it found me.

I treat my mother like that too... I try hard not to get attached. I even discovered that I speak differently to her. I am very cold. I think I'm afraid that if I get emotionally involved, even more than I am, it will hurt. My heart already feels too heavy and I cannot imagine it feeling worse. I guess that is why. I don't want to get emotionally attached because I'm afraid she will die on me and that will weigh the heaviest on my heart... no, I know. And I suppose I just don't think I could handle it.

I guess that is why I am still here. Leaving would mean I have to face the reality of my life. Whereas, before I still had my place to go to and the fantasy still existed... that everything and everyone would go back to the way it was and I could go back to my old life. So I am at a crossroad and I know which way to go, but I'm afraid. No... SCARED TO DEATH. I don't know if this is the right decision. I feel like a blind woman swimming in an ocean with no one around. Sink or swim right? But which way do I go? I guess I have to go with the tide.

Southern Cali

2005-09-05T14:45:00.000-04:00

It's labor day today. I'm sitting in my apartment looking around at the plain walls. I can't believe I'm moving out. My life that I started down in Southern Cali is pretty much over. Five years... so much has happened in those five years, so many memories, so many great friends, and great times.

This weekend was great. I arrived on Friday and visited with some great friends. Friday night, my girls and I went out to dinner and then went home to have a martini and watch some tv together. It was a fairly low key night. Saturday I ended up going shopping for a few needed items. Saturday night was great. My friend Lans and I went with our friend Aron to a salsa gig. OH man, I had a great time and a few martinis (ok, maybe more than a few). The crowd was kinda old though, but the music was great. hehe, some pictures to come...

Sunday I ended up packing up a lot of stuff. Went to Cheesecake factory where I got a piece of GODIVA chocolate cheesecake... can I just say, oh MY GOD (that stuff could almost be compared to sex)?!! Then a bunch of met up at the movie theater to watch a late flick. So far, it has been a great weekend.

I'm gonna miss living down here. Maybe there is something more for me than LA... My old dream about playing and pursuing a degree in chamber music is now a possibility that I could easily make into a reality... well, probably not easily.

I guess I will finish packing up my books, finish taking the pictures off the wall and put them into boxes. It's an end of an era... but a new beginning. A fresh start for myself and MY life. Maybe letting go of the past isn't such a bad thing? Now I can make room for myself and think about what I want... and it is really a wonderful thought. So, maybe what is in the past should be left in the past. This is kinda of a sick thought, but if you pick at a scab, you might create a scar. So leave well enough alone, right?

Sometimes a girl needs a little Sex...

2005-08-31T03:26:00.000-04:00

Sometimes all a girl needs is a little sex... and a little Sex in the City.

Tonight I spent the evening painting my nails, giving myself a facial, and watching Sex in the City. Sometimes, you just gotta give in to some me time, and that is exactly what I did. Now it would have been complete if I had actually had sex too, but I guess I'll stay away from that for a while... that just seems to get me into trouble.

I cannot wait until this weekend... salsa dancing, bar hopping, and unlimited margarita night? Um, this is going to be CRAZY fun. I'm excited to see everyone and just be able to laugh again. GOd I miss that.

The Irony of Love

2005-08-30T00:55:00.000-04:00

The Irony of Love

The greatest irony of love;
loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right
and finding out you love someone right after
that person walks out of your life...

and sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending
to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that
they will never be yours again...

for some, they think that letting go is one way
of expressing how much they love that person...
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love
being held by someone else...

most relationships tend to fail not because
the absence of love. love is always present.
it's just that one was being loved too much and the
other was being loved too little...

as we all know that the heart is the center of the body
but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason
why the heart is not always right...

most often we fall in love with the person we think we love
but to only discover that for them
we are just for passing time. while the one who truly
loves us remains either a friend or a stranger...

so here's a piece of advice;
let go when you're hurting too much.
give up when love isn't enough.
and move on when things are not like before...

For sure there is someone out there
WHO WiLL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...

my day, love, and chamber music

2005-08-27T03:40:00.000-04:00

12 hour day- I should really get paid overtime for this shit!

I had a meeting at the hospital at 8am today. We're trying to get my mother into an acute rehabilitation center. The interview (yes, you have to interview for this) was fairly simple, yet she didn't get into the program. So, round 4 with the rehab starts tomorrow! Although we are just grateful she was accepted at all into any of these facilities... because who knew, my mother is a very DIFFICULT patient. So then we transfered her yet again this afternoon. I must say, at least it was somewhat entertaining... the EMTs were very flirtatious and good looking...

I'm looking forward to my trip down to so cal. I need to let loose a little... or a lot. People stress me out. But I shouldn't complain. My prayers were answered.

I was thinking about love today... Unconditional love. What is it? Is it staying rather than leaving? Even when you are so angry... and somehow find the strength within yourself to say, I'm sorry? Is it about hating your life at the moment, but finding the perfect moment within all the hell? Is it about holding a child who has been left virtually parentless, all the while singing to them until they fall asleep feeling secure and loved? Is it about letting go because you have respect for them not to fight with or hurt them anymore? I don't think I'll ever know.

I missed my favorite movie tonight.

I practiced for the first time in MONTHS yesterday. It felt great and my mind was so motivated. I worked mainly on double stops. I even got my old viola out. I've been having musical discussions with some people lately. It's driving me crazy. How can someone call themselves a musician when they known NOTHING about what music actually consists of? Its like saying you like to read, but only flip through books with pictures! Ah, at least know what you are talking about if you bring up the subject!

I did get in contact with a chamber musician from SF who is also a violist. He was very helpful and informed me that Chamber music majors perform with the faculty at least once a semester. How awesome would that be? I could imagine it now... Brahms piano quartet, schumann, Beethoven, Shostakovich!!!! I would fall in love. I would never put down my instrument. I would melt like a popsicle! That is a dream. AND... my childhood quartet buddies (the first violinist and second violinist) are getting married or may already be married! I can't believe it! It was only yesterday when they would flirt endlessly, especially on the trip to Europe... our quartet bought those silly hats that are so typical of Austrians... I should post the pic.. hmm, that would be cute.

2005-08-25T02:46:00.000-04:00

What a day!

I've done so much on so little sleep. I stayed up really late last night trying to get everything organized. But, it looks like a bigger mess! AH, I can't win. Then I finally crawl in bed at 2am hoping to catch a few hours of sleep before I have to get up once again. Nope, the baby must have had a bad dream and was crying hysterically. So I brought him in bed with me hoping he would settle down and we both could get some shut eye. Yeah right, he saw my stilettos and thought it was play time! Oh no, everyone knows, you don't mess with Jenn when she needs sleep.

Then I woke up to my usual wake up phone call. I end up spending more than half of the morning on the phone with insurance companies because people are fucking idiots. I possibly have established a connection with someone doing a Chamber music degree in SF. I hope to hear more about the program. Lets see.... then I had a meet with the director at the district office for my mom. That went very well and I think that if I decided to get into substitute teaching for the time being, I'd definately have a personal connection considering the director stressed over and over again that if I had any questions, any questions at all, that I should call. What a nice group of people.

I've been really tired today, but do you think I could get to bed before 12? I can't wait until my mini vacation when I can act silly and be crazy. I could use a massage too. I have huge knots in my neck again.

I'm really excited about SF though. It sounds like the program I've always wanted to do. Imagine, playing chamber music and getting a degree for it? How incredible would that be? I'll be dreaming of it.....

He said, She said

2005-08-22T02:21:00.000-04:00

I wrote a pretty powerful email(in my opinion) about how I felt tonight. I wanted to let all of my emotion out. Which brings me to "he said, she said."

Most men think differently from women... so I've learned. They are thought to be unemotional.

Now, coming from a woman's stand point, someone who has to constantly talk to get her emotions out... or even to realize what the hell she IS feeling, this is kinda hard to deal with. Women react completely differently and want to talk talk talk talk until we talk no more. Men just want to ignore it and leave it alone until they can come up with a solution on their own, in their own time.

Us women want to chase them when this happens for fear that we will be rejected. We want to hunt them down to understand how they feel and what they think... so we smother them or constantly call, etc. This is the way we think it should be handled because that is how we deal with it... we like to talk. I've learned that you can't do that... it doesn't work that way. And it only makes them run farther away.

So, I wrote many emails, not for the sake of the other person... i know it sounds selfish and maybe it is, but i write for me. Just as I write this blog, I write to express my feelings and to just get them out... this way I can go on and not have that bottled up feeling. If I don't release those feelings, I will go insane and just lose it. So, I am learning different techniques on how to deal with all this mental/emotional shit. I will not bottle it up like most people do because I will only end up having to deal wtih it down the line.

So that my friends is why I blog. Not to have everyone in the world read it, but to release a lot of bullcrap.

I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

2005-08-20T14:41:00.000-04:00

I'm free, I'm free!!

Wat to do today? Maybe I'll fix my bike so I can go riding. Or, I'll go shopping. I could go to a museum in Sacramento. What else could I do? The possibilities are endless. I'm going to a movie tonight with my sister and somehow got pushed into having her spend the night. But I just have to say no... I wanna hit up a bar... I want to do something crazy! Well, I might not get that far, but I wanna try. I better get off this damn computer so I can go!

waste of time!!!

2005-08-20T03:26:00.000-04:00

I just spent way too much time redoing my blog. I tried to use a different template just to see what it would look like. Well, SHITSKI!!! I ended up losing all of my personalized stuff!! SO, now I've officially wasted an hour of my time. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH